[torn2pieces]

yes he is a bit controlling. He just has a stupid attitude when I get home or asks "What time is it" (letting me know he notices I am leaving early) in the morning. We spoke about it and he says he just misses me, but it's not cool. I think what may of caused some of this is when he first met me I did not have good work ethic I would take long lunches, miss days and so on. I have made a complete turn around, but at the same time since his career is so demanding and not very understanding of having kids, I am always fine with being the one to ask for time off for the kids appointments or other errands we have. My schedule is pretty much set, I work 830-5 M-F, so I am okay with being responsible for dropping off and picking up the kids. We are not married yet and I WILL NOT let marriage get in the way of my career. Getting my degree, becoming a Paralegal and being on a legal team excites me WAY WAY more than a freakin marriage. That's kinda bad, but it's true.

[grrrr]

Torn- it started out as a "what do people think" question, but kind of personal at the same time, obviously... I don't know I
if you're looking for answers from people or justifications? You're a smart woman. I don't know if any one of us can really answer the question in the way that will make you feel better about it. There's no good answer to it in the "larger" sense because no one can know how one "feels" - but you seem conflicted, which is "normal" - so that's good too??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hun when you met you were both on a "certain level"...

You've changed, you obtained goals, dreams and you intend to persue them and, you intend to make it.... It's become your passion your reason for living and your love.

It's hard for a person to be with a work-a-holic Someone with passions outside the house. They feel rejected..Rightly so. And they fear a break-up, a lose of someone they love, rightly so.

You have to balance... Unless, you have no feelings whatsoever for him, you have to balance and realise he is in your life, and is important as well, otherwise, you are allowing someone to be in your life, giving them nothing of what they deserve, where otherwise you should be on your own.

But, let me warn you as a work-a-holic a woman who has always had goals and dreams and has persued with a vengence/

We all need "someone" in our life, to smile, to love, to give love, to be there after a bad day.... Life full of work only is lonley.

If you have feelings for him, feel what he is telling you.

If you don't, let him go and concentrate on your future, there is nothing wrong with having goals and succeeding.

I just want you to be aware that it's not all about passions...You can bring those passions into your romantic life as well and be less stressed and feel loved.

What do you want?

[Random_Kitty]

I have learnt for me, being in a great relationship is better than being single but being single is significantly better than being in a bad relationship.

I think a lot of the pressure to couple up is related to a similar expectation of having children.

[Hopeless Dork]

I am in my mid-30s (female) and never been married. Never even lived with a guy. I am a single mom. I have a boyfriend now but years without one and it wasn't the worst experience a person can have. I don't think its as much society in general as specific families that put pressure on being married etc.. especially some older tradional people who think there is only one life to strive for: Married, 2.5 Kids, picket fence, dog named spot. Anything short of that makes them nervous for YOU because they think that is all there is to life. Non-traditional people of all ages, and particularly younger generations no longer see it that way. They see happiness and sucess in a woman's education, career, interests and overall doing what she wants to do.

Not being married is no longer an indicator that you are some sort of weirdo, most people are very acceptable that not everyone wants that stereotypical 'dream' I listed above. Depending on who a person surrounds themselves with, and listens to... their mileage will vary on that.

I think giving up on love and the possibility of making it work out with another human, however is a huge mistake. Deciding to not actively seek a partner is not, however, a bad choice. There is a difference to deciding you don't need someone else to make you happy, yet leaving the door open to possibility than simply stating to refuse to entertain the idea of being with anyone and shunning all contact with the opposite sex. The latter path can lead to bitterness, lonliness and a sense of missing out later when you wake up from the ice storm. The former could lead to independence, finding yourself, raising your expectations and being more 'whole' and ready to accept someone when they can help make you happier and enrich your life.. rather than wreak havoc on it.

[Little]

I find that lots of people are so focused on their absolute ideal (which for many is a "traditional" marriage,) that they are completely unable to conceive of somebody NOT having the same one. Take heart: there are lots of people in this world for whom romantic companionship is not #1. It's nice sometimes to have people of similar feelings as your own around, so maybe you should try to connect with some like-minded people? As for the others ... nod and smile, then vent later

[maleview]

Just don't let the kids be the losers in the situation. It is great to have goals and go for it and I think that successful unmarried women are becoming quite common, so you should not feel alone. It is difficult when both partners are working a lot of hours and i think your change to putting a lot of energy into your career is making him feel left out, as CW so elegantly stated.

[torn2pieces]

Hun when you met you were both on a "certain level"...

You've changed, you obtained goals, dreams and you intend to persue them and, you intend to make it.... It's become your passion your reason for living and your love.

It's hard for a person to be with a work-a-holic Someone with passions outside the house. They feel rejected..Rightly so. And they fear a break-up, a lose of someone they love, rightly so.

You have to balance... Unless, you have no feelings whatsoever for him, you have to balance and realise he is in your life, and is important as well, otherwise, you are allowing someone to be in your life, giving them nothing of what they deserve, where otherwise you should be on your own.

But, let me warn you as a work-a-holic a woman who has always had goals and dreams and has persued with a vengence/

We all need "someone" in our life, to smile, to love, to give love, to be there after a bad day.... Life full of work only is lonley.

If you have feelings for him, feel what he is telling you.

If you don't, let him go and concentrate on your future, there is nothing wrong with having goals and succeeding.

I just want you to be aware that it's not all about passions...You can bring those passions into your romantic life as well and be less stressed and feel loved.

What do you want?

In my opinion I am not a work aholic. My family comes first, but I thought he and I were working together with this "life". I have been with the kids many many many nights and days as he worked long hours and I do not feel the kids are negatively effected, especially because he may work his butt off for 3-4 days but on his day off its all about the kids. I get up with the kids get them out the door and usually pick them up, I do not feel I am negleting them or him if I work an extra half hour or even an hour, cause if I work extra that means more money which means more fun when I do take the kids out. I think there is a balance and I am not perfect at it but I balance work and family fine. I pick up where he may slack off and if I am late and he is with the kids I do not see the problem.

[Ashlee T.]

Yep...I'm agreeing with you torn..I don't see you as any more of a workaholic than he is. I just see that he thinks he should be able to do what he wants when he wants it and likes the idea of controlling you.

[torn2pieces]

Yes I agree regarding the kids. Yes I agree there are alot of single successful women, and it makes me question WHY? Men often pursue their career in full force and are married. My kids are what matters, but to be honest I have been left out so he can put his energy into the bars and friends and sports so if I am doing it to be successful and bring more money in the house I do not see the problem.