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Marriage issues - Communication and Sex

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  • Marriage issues - Communication and Sex

    Hi. My husband and I have been married for over 17 years. The last two have not been good. After lots of talking, our issues seem to be in two areas - communication and sex.

    Communication - I'm pretty quiet and don't talk much, with him and in social situations. With him, it's mostly routine day-to-day stuff. He wants more in-depth conversations about stuff that really matters. I can change in this area. It's still hard, but I have been working on talking more.

    Sex - He is a very sexual person and wants more sex, more making out, exploring sex. I've become very non-sexual. I don't really feel turned on. We have regular sex, but he says he feels it's always for him - he wants to see the desire in my eyes. But I don't feel desire. I think my feelings towards sex are due to my perception that we have too much sex. (We have sex almost daily (on average 5-6 times a week at least), unless one of us is sick or something. It's been this frequency pretty much the whole time we've been together.) Looking forward, he wants to have more sex; I don't, ideally, I'd like to have less sex. I agree with him that I need to be more engaged in sex; I think I can be, but I don't think I want to explore sexually or have increased sex.

    I've decided to start seeing a psychologist next week. I'm looking forward to the sessions, to help get some answers to why I've become so quiet/shutdown/disconnected/non-sexual.

    (I think I just wanted to say this stuff out loud to someone else. My apologies as my thoughts are jumbled.)

    We still love each other and have build a good life together. We both think the sex issue is a deal breaker and if I don't become more of a woman, our marriage is done.

    We've even talked about him having another sex partner. But then it seems ludicrous when we talk about how that would actually happen. And then he says he won't find someone else cuz he has a smaller penis. So then I sometimes think he feels stuck with me. But then I also think being with me is better than nothing (ie. having some sex with me is better than not having sex with anyone).

    Any thoughts?

  • Why do you want less sex? Are you not enjoying it physically? Does he make an effort to please you? Its really difficult to get a feel for what is going on: If he is a selfish lover who only cares about himself, then it makes perfect sense that you are losing interest in sex, and would not want to explore even more things that you don't like. On the other hand, if he is a caring lover who tries his best to please you, then there are so many women out there who would envy your situation - and some day one of them may find him.

    Please don't fall into the trap of "a little sex with you is better than nothing". People deserve fulfilling sex lives, not compromises. (and btw lots of women couldn't care less about how well endowed he is).

    Sex almost every day is a bit more than average, but not unusual for a couple who are in love.


    • 5-6 times a week is a lot and I can see how it has become more routine and boring for you. I think a good compromise would be for you to give in a bit on the exploration and for him to give in a bit on the frequency. Up the quality and lower the quantity.


      • Explore ways to get your libido back, but I agree with mv that a compromise should be found between what your husband wants and what you want.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


        • Having an open relationship can be a wonderful thing, but it only works in a relationship that is strong. You first need to sort out the communication issue between the two of you. Its great that you are seeing a psychologist. Maybe both of you can see one together to strengthen your relationship. Once that is resolved, you can talk to each other about alternate lifestyles. If you are comfortable with him having other sexual partners, there are groups in each community that meet on different lifestyles. You would be suprised how many people do not live the traditional monogomous lifestyle that we assum everybody wants. Just make sure you talk to each other about what the limit of those other relationships would be and what your comfort level is. Its all about communication, that is why the communication needs to be strong before you can delve into other aspects.
          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)



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