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  • Hard times

    Me and my husband are drifting apart. We hardly talk to each other any more. The main reason is sex. I no longer get aroused and don't enjoy sex any more, in fact it is a chore that I tolerate only for my husband. He knows this and thinks I don't love him any more. It all started after I had an operation to remove bladder stones. I haven't had an orgasm or gotten aroused since. Before that we were having sex 8 to 10 times a week and I initiated most of it. Now it is only when my husband wants it. He has started going out with "the boys" every Friday and Saturday night. When he comes home, half drunk, he wants me. I do my best to please him but when he is like that he hurts me with deep penetration that hits my cervix. I always ask him to take it easy but he gets carried away. Two hours ago he was hurting me so bad I couldn't stand it and had to tell him to stop. He got mad when I made him stop before he finished and won't talk to me at all, I don't know how this will end. He is downstairs watching TV and drinking beer. I'm a little afraid that when he comes upstairs he will want to try having sex again.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
    ― Bodhidharma

  • It all started after I had an operation to remove bladder stones. I haven't had an orgasm or gotten aroused since.
    Chaya are you sure it's not the stress of it all that has caused this thought pattern? Or, have you seeked medical advice over the ramifications after the operation?

    When was the operation? I note you haven't been here for a while.

    Even if it was a few months ago... Your husband needs a smack to not understand and be suggesting these things to you and helping you through it to work it out.

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment


    • Originally posted by chaya View Post
      Me and my husband are drifting apart. We hardly talk to each other any more. The main reason is sex. I no longer get aroused and don't enjoy sex any more, in fact it is a chore that I tolerate only for my husband. He knows this and thinks I don't love him any more. It all started after I had an operation to remove bladder stones. I haven't had an orgasm or gotten aroused since. Before that we were having sex 8 to 10 times a week and I initiated most of it. Now it is only when my husband wants it. He has started going out with "the boys" every Friday and Saturday night. When he comes home, half drunk, he wants me. I do my best to please him but when he is like that he hurts me with deep penetration that hits my cervix. I always ask him to take it easy but he gets carried away. Two hours ago he was hurting me so bad I couldn't stand it and had to tell him to stop. He got mad when I made him stop before he finished and won't talk to me at all, I don't know how this will end. He is downstairs watching TV and drinking beer. I'm a little afraid that when he comes upstairs he will want to try having sex again.

      It's hard to have sympathy for a man behaving like that.
      Would it be possible to tell him what you have written here ?

      In an attempt to see things from his side, it might be good to ask him what is happening in "his" life as of late, what are the things he is finding difficult to deal with...
      This is not out of pure empathy but to understand what are these things so important that have gotten him to the point to be so self-centered...
      Behold the presence of the Father in all beings...

      Comment


      • chaya, you need to open communications with him again. Being a cop is not an easy life. He is always in danger. Typically spouses don't want to know and understand because doing so would throw them into depression. Typically the cop keeps things from the spouse and keeps it bottled up inside and only releases with other cops as they know what is going on. Not an ideal situation.

        You have to let him know he is hurting you with his deep thrusts and work with him to find positions where the penetration isn't as deep yet he has the sensation that it is. One way is like doggy style with you flat on your stomach instead of your knees. This way your buttocks are providing interference to such deep penetration as would happen with regular doggy style. At the same time they provide the sensation of penetration because they squeeze together. Another way may be certain sideways positions where you are lying sideways and on your side and he is in the same position as missionary. This time you upper buttock cheek is providing padding that doesn't let him penetrate as deep.

        Also, you should work with your gynecologist or even a sex doctor to find out where your libido has gone. It may be psychological in that you underlying believe that he has not given you the proper amount of concern and tenderness. This may not be a conscious thought, how it may be how your unconscious mind is processing things.

        Lastly, as these changes have taken place, where have you turned for a sounding board? I am not saying that this is the only place, not by far, but when these things start happening you have to talk them out with someone before they get you stuck in a rut. Pulling back from others will usually not lead to a good resolution.

        I know his mother would be against it, but I feel that going to a Buddhist spiritual retreat every once in a while would be good for him and good for you both if you went together. Try to get that in the conversation when you two are communicating.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment




        • I was wondering how you were doing. Sorry it is not so good.

          I remember awhile back you had a problem with his drinking, I believe it was when you all went to the Beach/Camping with other couples. It seems an issue here is his Drinking along with some of his " control " issues.

          Cops do ( some not all ) tend to get into the Alcohol abuse mode. They get off work after busting Drunk Drivers and Intoxicated Husbands and Wives that beat on each other or kids, and decide to have a beer or drink or two with their fellow officers.
          This to them, is not a problem, they can handle it !! In their minds, they are Nothing like the " Trash " they put in Jail.. But many will use the Night out with the " brothers " as an crutch to not go home and share their day with their Families.

          Your Statement of..
          He has started going out with "the boys" every Friday and Saturday night. When he comes home, half drunk, he wants me.
          Has me concerned. It is good that he has Every Fri and Sat eves off . It is hard to get a 'Regular Beat " like that as an Officer.

          The Half Drunk, also is a Red Flag. Can he or does he want Sex with you when He isn't Intoxicated ? I can also understand you having a surgery and needing time to recover .

          How long ago was the Surgery ?
          Has it been ample time to recover totally ?
          I know it takes different recovery times for different people.

          It sounds like your " Desire" for Sex is more of a Desire for Making Love, rather than Hubby coming home half Smashed and " Wanting You " as you said. I am not saying say No to Sex with him, but you are allowed to say No to Rough Sex, You are Allowed to say No Sex when Intoxicated !!

          Maybe plan a Romantic Dinner for Fri or Sat Night, give him a weeks notice that you have a " Date Night ", at Home, Make one of your Special Dinners that you make so well or try a new Recipe. A few Candles some music you both like or a Movie on the TV.

          Do not plan on Sex as the outcome, Plan on Romance and Closeness, Bonding time. Limit the Alcohol to one small bottle of good wine and maybe a after Dinner Brandy or Liquor, Have it an Early night where you are in bed by midnight ( latest ).

          Maybe give a massage or get one or trade off . Get that Hot Tub up. Leave your panties there instead, of finding your Sisters , laying there .. lol
          The thing here is to both Relax, learn to just enjoy each others company that Brought you together in the first place.

          I can see your loss in interest in Sex, with all that has gone on. Remember Sex is Not an Obligation, Chore or something You have to do. Unless you are Pressured or Forced, then that is a Rape.

          Making Love and Intimacy is something you Chose to do, willingly, without Force or Obligation.

          Just because he is your Hubby, doesn't mean he can Demand SEX or Intimidate you into having Sex. As with many Relationships/ Marriages, The moods will be different, they will swing, they will be off set. They will change,

          Just learn to Keep it Fresh, Keep It Alive and understand the others " moods" and then Sex is not an Issue, But Making Love will be a Requirement.



          Comment


          • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
            Chaya are you sure it's not the stress of it all that has caused this thought pattern? Or, have you seeked medical advice over the ramifications after the operation?

            When was the operation? I note you haven't been here for a while.

            Even if it was a few months ago... Your husband needs a smack to not understand and be suggesting these things to you and helping you through it to work it out.

            CW
            There has been a lot of stress on both sides but my lack of response has been going on for over 3 months now. It started before the bladder procedure. It was not really an operation, it was done through a cystoscope. I was only sore for 2 days.

            I'm beginning to think we were not meant for each other. I love him but can no longer fill his needs. I should start to consider divorce.
            [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
            Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
            ― Bodhidharma

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Maximus View Post
              It's hard to have sympathy for a man behaving like that.
              Would it be possible to tell him what you have written here ?

              In an attempt to see things from his side, it might be good to ask him what is happening in "his" life as of late, what are the things he is finding difficult to deal with...
              This is not out of pure empathy but to understand what are these things so important that have gotten him to the point to be so self-centered...
              I don't blame him for the way he has been acting. I am the one that changed but I can't help it. He thinks I don't love him any more and that why he don't satisfy me any more. I do still love him and would be happy to live with him for as long as he will have me if it weren't for the sex issue.
              [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
              Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
              ― Bodhidharma

              Comment


              • Originally posted by jns View Post
                chaya, you need to open communications with him again. Being a cop is not an easy life. He is always in danger. Typically spouses don't want to know and understand because doing so would throw them into depression. Typically the cop keeps things from the spouse and keeps it bottled up inside and only releases with other cops as they know what is going on. Not an ideal situation.

                You have to let him know he is hurting you with his deep thrusts and work with him to find positions where the penetration isn't as deep yet he has the sensation that it is. One way is like doggy style with you flat on your stomach instead of your knees. This way your buttocks are providing interference to such deep penetration as would happen with regular doggy style. At the same time they provide the sensation of penetration because they squeeze together. Another way may be certain sideways positions where you are lying sideways and on your side and he is in the same position as missionary. This time you upper buttock cheek is providing padding that doesn't let him penetrate as deep.

                Also, you should work with your gynecologist or even a sex doctor to find out where your libido has gone. It may be psychological in that you underlying believe that he has not given you the proper amount of concern and tenderness. This may not be a conscious thought, how it may be how your unconscious mind is processing things.

                Lastly, as these changes have taken place, where have you turned for a sounding board? I am not saying that this is the only place, not by far, but when these things start happening you have to talk them out with someone before they get you stuck in a rut. Pulling back from others will usually not lead to a good resolution.

                I know his mother would be against it, but I feel that going to a Buddhist spiritual retreat every once in a while would be good for him and good for you both if you went together. Try to get that in the conversation when you two are communicating.
                I have been to the GYN 3 times with this problem. She did pap smear and a biopsy of my cervix. She says I have a very sensitive cervix. All the tests she did were negative. She recommended a sex therapist but my insurance wouldn't cover it and it cost too much. I don't think it would do any good anyway. Sex has always been painful for me but when I was enjoying it so much the pain didn't matter. Divorce is the best option, for his sake and mine. He deserves a wife that can satisfy his needs.

                It's hard for me to talk about this, even with the GYN. It is even hard to post it here. The only person I have told is my sister. Her reaction was less than helpful for me.
                [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
                Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                ― Bodhidharma

                Comment


                • Babygirl, I would love to have a romantic evening with him but it's just not going to happen. If we say more than 10 words to each an argument will start. This hurts my feelings and I end up crying and he sometimes goes out and comes back real late. I even wish he was cheating on me so he wouldn't want me in bed and he would be satisfied.

                  I know I can legally say no but I believe it is my duty to try to meet his needs. We would be better off apart so he could find someone that can satisfy him and give him children, as my mother-in-law put it, "a whole women". As long as I'm still his wife I will try to meet my obligations.
                  [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
                  Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                  ― Bodhidharma

                  Comment


                  • chaya, soldiering through things has not done any favors to your marriage. Your husband has to be told that sex is painful. You and he have to work together to make it less painful or not painful. It should have been worked on before, but it needs to be worked on now.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • Chaya, it sounds to me like you've sat back passively and let things take a course you do not like..and now have just given up on your marriage. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I do believe it to be true based on what you've posted here throughout this marriage. You've given up. And if that is the case, then you're right, divorce would be better. There is no sense in staying in a marriage that you're not willing to try to make better. Being passive to "please" him is not making an effort to make things better. In the end...it makes you a martyr. You had issues even before the loss of libido with communicating with him. Everyone here at WH told you that if you continued to be passive you'd end up harboring resentment and it would build up to the point of destroying your marriage. Don't you see now that this is what is happening?
                      "Be what you're looking for."

                      Comment




                      • Chaya..

                        You are a Fighter.. Look what you have come through and survived in your young life. You are Strong, you are a " Whole Woman " and it is disgusting that your MIL said something like that to you.
                        Just because you cannot bear Children, does not mean you can't be a Mother and a Loving one at that. You Hubby married you knowing you could never bear his child. He chose you above all others, including ones who could bear his child.

                        Now you need to hold on to that thought, to that Love and Fight For your Marriage. Giving up and laying down and being defeated is not the way to go . He being a cop, has counseling available to him, you being his wife makes it available to you and Cops can get Marriage counseling thru their Work.
                        I believe you need Marriage counseling, the two of you. Sex counseling can come later if needed, but when you start working on the marriage issues first, you may find the sexual desire to be reinstated, when you realize that Sex is not your Duty or Obligation, That it is a sign of Love for each other.

                        Many couples go thru dry spells, many go through rough times, spats and arguments. You say you Love him. Well sex is not the only way to show it, though it helps, but you can try to talk with him, show him you love him,in other ways, a touch, a cuddle a smile,. You don't have to be submissive, but you should be a Partner, part of the Team, The Marriage Team.

                        Hopefully you can sit down with him, explain how much you love him, explain that sexually it still hurts, but if you two can find a easier position (s), if he can take it Slower and Gentler then you two can get back to the Sexual Pleasure you shared before.

                        I feel that when he is rough and having " Demanding " sex with you, it is reminding you of the Horrific Past you have had. Possibly a deep seeded fear of being Forced and Obligated and just wanting it to be over with, that has you not wanting to make love with him .

                        What you need now is to start over with him, start gentle and slow, have him earn the trust from you again, that he won't just be Hard and Fast and " Take " what he wants.

                        But in this, you also need to be Strong and Firm, tell him...

                        I will not be Forced to have Sex, I will not have Sex when you are Intoxicated, I will not allow myself to be hurt or in pain from Sex.

                        I do Love you, I do want to Make Love with you, I do need some help and some Understanding and Compassion from you.

                        Sex is not my Obligation or Duty, though it is an extension of the love we have, the love we need to salvage and rebuild..

                        We ( Hubbys Name ) can renew our marriage, but we both have to give and sacrifice some things. We have to work with each other with communication , with fairness on both sides, with truthfully caring about the others, wants, feelings ( physical and Emotional ) and not just being " Self Gratifying ".

                        Ask him what he wants from you, what he needs from you, not just sexually. Then Tell him, what you want from him, what you need from him, again, not just sexually.

                        Make a plan, give it 90 days or whatever time you two can set. Work on it Daily, Weekly. Plan 1 night a week as a " Us Night ", Don't make it a " Sex Night " make it an " we will spend quality time, dinner home or out, walk on beach, watch a movie, hot tub and candles and a glass of wine and Chocolate Dipped Strawberries.

                        Make it a Taboo Time. Set the Taboo Subjects. No talk about Work, no Negative about any Family or Friends. Rather make it a " Positive only Night ".
                        Discuss Dreams and Goals, Vacations to plan for Someday, Wishes to be Granted.

                        Share Humor together...
                        ( Both your School and his Work ) can be allowed in these convo's. You have the net, so maybe sit down and find a site like " Wal~Mart's Best Dressed or one I just Chuckle over, There I Fixed It. ( these can be Googled or Binged)

                        But seriously we can have our family just laughing and Talking and sharing Funny stuff . We can,any one of us be in a bad mood, had a hard day and one of us will go to the other & Share something Funny, or Adorable Animals or anything. And the next thing we know, The bad thing has passed that had us in the uptight, unsociable mood.

                        It works and it is Sad to say ( but really Not ) we all know that the other one cared enough to try their Best to get us out of the Negative mood and into a Positive one.

                        This being said, One will Realize that there is a Positive " Manipulation " than can be very Beneficial !!

                        Yes it is a Controlling of Another, in some ways, though I feel you cannot Force Laughter out of another . But again it is for a Positive Reaction ,a Beneficial Solution to all involved .



                        Comment


                        • I ordered these pills from the internet that are supposed to boost my libido and arousal. I took 2 of them this morning and another at lunch. I fixed a special dinner, hubby's favorite, and was going to have a romantic evening. The whole thing ended when he called an hour ago and said he had to work overtime and wouldn't be home until 11 Pm and not to wait up for him.

                          I thought of going out to a tavern and get drunk until I remembered I'm not 21. I tried one of my husbands beers, I don't see how he can drink that rotten stuff. I'm having a glass of plum wine now and plan on being intoxicated when he gets home.
                          [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
                          Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                          ― Bodhidharma

                          Comment


                          • Most if not all internet libido boosting pills are a scam and in some cases may be dangerous.

                            I wonder, with your husband being a cop, what will he do with an under-aged drinker. Handcuffs? The drunk tank? ???
                            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                            ...
                            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                            Comment




                            • Chaya,
                              Being a Diabetic, you should never order stuff online, most ( not all ) of that stuff is as Jns said a Scam, You could be getting a sugar pill, that can really screw up your system and even could be dangerous for you.

                              If you have Libido problems, there are Sites like the one below ( Link not Included ) that you can search up on .


                              What is Female Libido Enhancer?

                              A female libido enhancer refers to procedure or medicine to improve libido. To get answers to the question you will primarily need to know what is libido. Libido generally means the desire for sex though there are certain technical definitions to it. One such technical definition says that it is the psychic or the creative energy that someone has to put in for individuation. There are times when this libido can be reduced or impaired and it is mostly seen in females. There can be both physical and psychological reasons behind this. Some other causes of decreasing libido can be alcoholism, substance abuse and hyperprolactinaemia. It should be treated immediately otherwise there can be adverse effects on a long term relationship.


                              Natural Female Libido Enhancer

                              The best way to increase female libido is the natural way. So how can you up the female libido naturally? The first thing you can do is increase your mineral intake. It is the adrenal glands that drive you and therefore you will need to keep them nourished with minerals. You can get your minerals from ocean plant extracts, green leafy vegetables and coconut kefir. Another natural female libido enhancer is sleep. You body may be sleep starved and this can result in lessening sexual desire. Good sound sleep is beneficial for a healthy libido. Cutting down on sugar helps. Sugar causes adrenal fatigue and your sexual health will suffer. If your sex hormones are out of balance you will experience low libido. Balance your hormones.


                              Prescription Female Libido Enhancer

                              There are several prescription female libido enhancers in the market but most of them fail to live up to their claims. It is used to alleviate the first signs of sexual discomfort but what you need to know there are certain ingredients in these products that come with severe side effects. So, before you purchase any such product you will need to check out the ingredient list. A prescription female libido enhancer should contain Maca. It is a South American herb that increase libido. There should also be Red Raspberry leaf that regulates contraction and Cayenne Pepper that stimulates circulatory equalization and strengthens the heart.


                              Homeopathic Female Libido Enhancer

                              One of the best ways to start treating lowered libido is homeopathic. A great homeopathic female libido enhancer is the Lycopodim Clavatum. It starts becoming effective once the spores are crushed and besides increasing the libido it also betters digestion. Another remedy is Kali Phosphoricum that treats worry and fatigue, the two sexual drive killers. Agnus Castus is known as the “chaste tree” and treats poor sexual vitality. Arnica Montana is also a great remedy and is very effective for low libido.



                              So please try doing some research, before buying online " treatments " especially in a " medication Form. Or a Self Medication form, Alcohol is an Instant Sugar and can be Very Dangerous also.

                              Diabetes and Alcohol

                              Alcohol is processed in the body very similarly to the way fat is processed, and alcohol provides almost as many calories. Therefore, drinking alcohol in people with diabetes can cause your blood sugar to rise. If you choose to drink alcohol, only drink it occasionally and when your diabetes and blood sugar level are well-controlled. If you are following a calorie-controlled meal plan, one drink of alcohol should be counted as two fat exchanges.

                              It is a good idea to check with your doctor if you are overweight or have high blood pressure or high triglyceride levels before drinking alcohol. If you are in doubt about whether drinking alcohol is safe for you, check with your doctor.




                              Effects of Alcohol on Diabetes

                              Here are some other ways that alcohol can affect diabetes:

                              While moderate amounts of alcohol can cause blood sugar to rise, excess alcohol can actually decrease your blood sugar level -- sometimes causing it to drop into dangerous levels.
                              Beer and sweet wine contain carbohydrates and may raise blood sugar.
                              Alcohol stimulates your appetite, which can cause you to overeat and may affect your blood sugar control.
                              Alcohol can interfere with the positive effects of oral diabetes medicines or insulin.
                              Alcohol may increase triglyceride levels.
                              Alcohol may increase blood pressure.
                              Alcohol can cause flushing, nausea, increased heart rate, and slurred speech.

                              Diabetes and Alcohol Consumption Dos and Don'ts

                              People with diabetes should follow these alcohol consumption guidelines:

                              Do not drink more than two drinks of alcohol in a one-day period. (Example: one alcoholic drink = 5-ounce glass of wine, 1 1/2-ounce "shot" of liquor or 12-ounce beer).
                              Drink alcohol only with food.
                              Drink slowly.
                              Avoid "sugary" mixed drinks, sweet wines, or cordials.
                              Mix liquor with water or diet soft drinks.

                              Please Please talk with your Dr again, research and ask about Natural Enhancers with your Dr. Talk with Hubby, work this out with him. Don't just Give up on your Marriage, There are many more things you can try with Hubby, It's too soon to start thinking Divorce, when there are options still available.

                              Don't be a Quitter, just because things are a bit rough in the marriage.Be the Survivor and Fighter, that you have already proven that you are .

                              Comment

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