[SadSally]

Hi there. I am 29 and have been married for 8 years. My relationship with my husband started as friendship. We were best friends for a few years before becoming more. we have very similar humour and he is a great father. Over the past 5 years my husband has started to treat me completely differently. He has become very critical of me and I don't feel he respects or supports me at all anymore. I have had a history of depression and he has blamed that for our marriage problems and used it against me rather than be a support for me in low times.

Our sex life is in the toilet. He doesn't try to be romantic or seem to really care about my needs. He would rather get a blow job *which he asks for and hints at constantly* than "make love". I have lost all attraction I ever had toward him. He weighs 350 lbs (about 70 lbs more than when we met) and I feel guilty for not being attracted to him. I don't want to touch him. I end up giving him what he wants 1-2 times a week now so he will treat me decently. But it makes me feel resentful toward him.

I don't know if there's a hope of fixing us. We went to marriage counselling a few times but he really doesn't follow through with any of the instructions or advice we are given. I have tried really hard to be supportive of his career. (Giving up my own at his request). I have tried to be a better wife for him in hopes that he will start to treat me better. I lost 70 lbs, started taking anti-depressants, I take better care of the house and do 90% of the parenting of our 3 children. I encourage him to go out and spend time with friends. I've tried to talk him into counselling and I've tried to kick him out. He won't leave. I don't know what to do.

Sally

[DreamP346]

Can you get him into marriage councelling again? You may need to shop around to find somebody that works for both of you. Also, counselling doesn't work overnight. You need to go several times before you start seeing results.

If you have decided that it is really time to end things, go see a good divorce lawyer and ask about what your options are since you weren't able to kick him out before. Also, you need to make sure you have financial support to make it happen. As you mentioned you gave up your career for him, I am making the assumption you do not work. With 3 kids, that can be pretty hard. Just make sure you plan everything before making the final move.

[jns]

You say he is a good father but children will pick up on how he treats you, so I'm not sure how good a father he is. As good of a friend as he was, he seems to be a bully now. Try counseling again and make sure he know that he has to learn from it. Otherwise, don't continue putting your kids through this charade.

[Aeryn Sun]

Even if he stops going to counseling, I would continue doing personal counseling.

[Ashlee T.]

This is indeed a sad story. It sounds like he's putting little to no effort in your marriage at all. As far as him being a great father...wouldn't that be an easy task if YOU are doing 90% of the parenting? Why do men get brownie points for loving or paying attention to their kids? It's their JOB as a man, a husband and a father.... just like it's your job to love and care for your children. He shouldn't be getting kudos for being a good dad when he's having to do nothing. Wanting you to stay home with the kids means for him a free pass from doing ANYTHING around the house, therefore promoting even more laziness on his part. Now he can say that since you stay at home, taking care of the kids and the house is your JOB. Some men want their wives to stay home because they genuinely feel it's best for all involved. Those men respect the fact that the woman works from daylight to dawn and when they get home from work they chip in as a loving partner. Other men abuse that type of situation to the fullest. He works all day then gets to come home and do whatever he wants until bedtime. You work all day then have to work all evening trying to take care of the kids AND him. He asks you for bj's but makes no effort to satisfy ANY needs you have. He's selfish. He's lazy. And he is wrong.

A partner who criticizes their partner like that, nitpicks their partner like that is suffering from self esteem issues big time. You losing weight and doing a better job taking care of things is probably threatening his ego even more, even though he said it's what he wanted. You're losing weight, you're trying to take better care of yourself in addition to raising a family and keeping a house...you're superwoman. And he's overweight, I suspect doing nothing to make that any different, lazy, self serving, low self esteem etc.

Words are words. He's showing you in every aspect of life that he doesn't consider you or your marriage worth any effort. You deserve much much more than that.

[Little]

Ditto to everything BD said. The following supposes your marriage is indeed over because of his selfishness and refusal to change:
Is there anywhere you can go with your kids, since he won't leave? Your parents' house, a best friend, a single mother you know who needs help paying her mortgage and would let you be a roommate (bonus points: this would still give you the relative freedom having two adults in the house provides.) What is your housing situation: rented, owned? Is your name on the lease? Is your name on the utilities? If it is, can you take it off or shut them off to avoid him impacting your credit?
What is your career? Can you get a job in it quickly? Does it pay well enough to support you and your children (with daycare costs, as necessary) without any support from your husband as long as it takes to get a court order for financial support? (Or potentially long-term, if he refuses to pay?) Are you opposed to applying for government aid in the interim?

[SadSally]

Thank you for your help. I know now that I need to get out. It's not getting any better. I have a college diploma and I've started applying for jobs. We have a house that is almost paid for so I am guessing I would get half of that. My family isn't an option but I've starting saving money from babysitting part time so slowly, I'm getting there. I've started seeing a therapist and I'm feeling good about this decision. I feel a lot more hopeful. I just don't know how or when to tell him.

Sally

[kymmylou]

This is sort of how it is with my husband. The emotional abuse after only 2 years has killed me. I have depression and anxiety and possible borderline personality disorder. Its so frustrating to feel stuck. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Im sorry that you have had to deal with this.