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Searching for advice

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  • Searching for advice

    I've been with my husband for 5 years, and at the start of our relationship, it was great. We communicated, we had fun, we were just enjoying ourselves and learning about each other. The first 1.5 years was great, but then it started to go down hill--very slow at first, and by slow, think of a small snow ball rolling down a hill and it's just getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

    At first, we both worked, and I didn't mind doing the house cleaning, cooking, etc and sometimes he would even lend a hand. But into the 2nd year of our marriage, he lost his job. When this happened, I told him that I know how hard it is to find a job right now with the economy, and all I wanted was for him to be productive, whether it was finding another job, volunteering, writing his book he's always wanted to do -- as long as it was productive, I didn't mind being the one working since we could live contently with my salary.

    It's been 3 years since then and he has done nothing productive with his time. I have addressed this multiple times throughout those years and each time was a promise of, "I will try harder."

    I suppose right now I am just feeling burnt out from his excuses, and his lack of ambition or direction of where he wants to go. I've tried my best to help him and support him; tried my best to help direct him to where he wants to go by giving him resources but he's done nothing.

    Those 3 years I've come home from work, cleaned, cooked... do all the chores, take care of everything that needs to be taken care of because it's important (i.e. writing rent checks, mailing them off, financial responsibilities, etc).

    I suppose my question is: when is enough, enough? How many more chances should I give him? Have I given him enough chances already to better himself -- to better our marriage -- and is he just not going to do it?

    I'm stuck at the point of that I still love him, but not in love with him anymore. I don't have that sexual attraction to him anymore because I feel that ... in this relationship, I am basically the mother and him the child.

    My normal day is going to work, coming home to see him on a sofa in front of his computer.

    This isn't even getting into any of his bad habits (2 2 liters of soda a day).

    I'm not quite sure what to do with myself; I love him, but not in love with him. I tried my best to communicate with him, and to engage in meaningful conversations (future, life, dreams, aspirations, goals) but nothing ever comes out of it.

    I've tried talking to him about the problem but he'll just say, "I'm trying so hard and you're not even noticing." or "Look, can you not come home and at me?"

    I'm not sure what to do here anymore... and no, we have not seen a marriage counselor and I'm not sure if I want to see one...


  • It's difficult to advise you what to do, because in your heart you've lost the love and I would too after that long and all the attempts that you have made.

    I can only assume one of two things.. That either he really never had visions, passions, dreams, goals or losing his job sent him into depression.

    If it was the first one, whereby he was just "working" and didn't care for the work and lost his job as a result then that would also send someone into depression.

    But, it also advises you that, that is his nature and he hasn't and won't change it, he just goes with the flow of life.

    If he did have drive and ambition and goals and a reasonable job, then 3 years has created this mess and he's spiralled.

    Does he need to see someone? Maybe.

    Should you continue down the road you are on? No.. It's not fair that you do everything and get nothing in return, that's not a marriage. So to me, either he gets help, sees a Doctor to establish if he has depression, a councellor to get his act together or he will remain the same.

    If you were to leave do you think that he would pick his game up?


    • Its seems like you do everything so your husband has no incentive to do anything. Could be he is just in a slup and can't climb out of it. Also, I am sure you are really frustrated and although you are not doing it intentionally, you maybe talking down to him which is making him shut you completely out. If I was in this situation and didn't have kids, I would just tell him in a calm tone that I could not be with a man that was not an equal parter in life and ask him to move out. If may end the relationship or it may be a wake-up call for him. Love and romance can always be rekindled, but do you want to have kids, buy a house, plan your retirement and grow old with a man who is content not doing his share.
      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


      • Thank you for the replies.

        I believe he has had dreams but they are something that he believes he cannot achieve (even with encouragement for me) so he's given up on it. I wouldn't be surprised if this is part of his depression but the point is, I've tried to suggest to him to see someone professional because I do believe he has depression. The problem is getting him to agree to go and see someone to help him.

        I guess... at the moment he doesn't want help, or believe he doesn't need it and is somewhat even content with where he is at.

        I'm not sure if I leave him he would even change. I'm pretty sure if I leave him, he would probably become more depressed and that just puts guilt on me. On that note, I feel that I am responsible for him and his livelihood.

        I don't have kids, and at one point I did see having kids with him but right now? No, I am avoiding it with proper protection (if we even do have any sexual intercourse).

        I am sure that I have my moments of being upset with him and being absolutely angry; I am only human and can only have patience for so much of this, so there are those times when I do get upset and raise my voice at him. The problem also lies in that no matter how I talk to him, or phrase things, it comes down to, "I will try harder next time, I promise."

        I'm at the point in my life where I am realizing I am going no where because he is holding me back. I have grown as an individual in my career and in life, and I he has been in the same spot throughout our relationship. He's almost 30, and it's not going to be a long time until he hits that age. When I think about that, and think about my current situation and living conditions, I can't help but feel depressed myself, knowing that living the way we do now -- it will never get better.


        • He is being lazy. Laziness like that causes depression. The antidote is doing something, especially something productive, something artistic or something innovative. In such cases, I see the computer as helping to make the situation worse. Maybe taking classes will get him out of this rut.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia



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