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desperately looking for answers

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  • desperately looking for answers

    So my husband and I have gotten into fights before...sometimes a little physical. Today, it reached a whole new level. He choked me, i have finger print bruises on my neck...bruises on my chin and face, scratches on my arms, thrown across the room and onto the floor... I NEVER thought he would treat me this way. I'm extremely upset, I don't know how to react to it all, what does this mean for our marriage...what do I do to take steps in the right direction. I am NOT okay with this behavour. I have 3 young children and I NEVER want them to see something like that and think it's okay to treat someone that way or to be treated that way. May sound weird, but I don't want to say anything to my family or ask for help from them because I don't want them to think bad of him =/

    This whole fight started over me FINALLY getting annoyed with him after he played a video game for TEN HOURS!!! and I shut the TV off...

    Please, any advice would be SO appreciated. I feel so lost right now, and don't know what to do next....

  • Go to the ER or Dr or Police Department.ASAP !!!

    Do it Tonight or Tomorrow while the Bruises are still showing.

    Make a Domestic Violence report. It doesn't mean he will be Arrested, but the Violence will be Documented.

    Hopefully he will be Arrested and be forced to get Anger Management ( first offense ) usually is a couple of days in Jail and Classes for Anger Management and Probation.

    You can Opt that he not have a Restraining Order as long as he follows Probation Rules from the Judge.

    While he is gone to Jail ( if he is ) Throw out or take that Video Game and Machine out of your Home and put it elsewhere.

    If you allow him to and the Judge does also , to come home. Have Rules set about his behavior, with you, with the kids and his own personal behavior.

    Realize that what you said about not wanting your kids to ever see it or to learn that kind of behavior, Violence and Assault.. Is in your Hands, in your hands Right Now !!!!

    Chose to not ever allow that again from him or any other Man or Woman, to Yourself or Your Kids.

    I'm not saying kick him out or end the Marriage, Right Now. he may be able to be helped to control his problem .
    I am saying that You must have the Power and use power to not allow that kind of Behavior. You Must Protect the Kids and yourself..

    Tell a Respected and Loved Family member, so it is documented by them as well as the Police.

    Then think of what you have said .

    " I don't want them to think Bad of him ".

    Do you think they would think bad of someone who Treated your Mother or Sister Like that ? How would you think about someone who threw your Mom or Sis around and Choked them ? And the Kids.. Imagine him doing that to a Kid that walked up and turned of the TV ?

    Goodness girl, get Family Involved, for Support. They can even support him getting help is his qualities as a Husband out weigh the bad things.

    But Do NOT get into the " It was only this one Time" Forgiveness mode. Take the reins, Take the power and don't play games with your life or your kids lives.


    • He choked you and beat you up. Your family should think bad of him. He should be arrested and be punished. The children will think that the fight is normal if you try to make it normal. Then they will not defend themselves properly or will be the aggressors when they grow up. They need to know that there are consequences for such behavior. I think you should also go to a battered woman's shelter to get help and to come to terms with this. If he is not willing to get help for his self control, you and the children would be better off if you were single.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • Please tell your family and/or other people you are close to. You need a lot of support during this time. You may be feeling embarrased that you are in this situation, but always know that it is not your fault. So please seek help and support from those close to you. You need both emotional and physical protection, so the more people you tell, the better. Get the police involved now. You need to project your children, both from him directly and also the trauma of seeing their mother being beaten by their father.

        Personally, non consentual bruises on the neck is the end of a relationship. I could never trust such a person around my kids again.
        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


        • If you have gotten into fights before then I would imagine you are both pushing each other's buttons. You don't like his behaviour and perhaps yell, nag and as you stated, turn things off, and relatiation begins.. To me that means that neither of you know the word "communication" and that if he sits in front of a computer for 10 hrs and you have three children, and he is playing games then, he doesn't understand the words committment, marriage and being a Father.

          Fear is a horrible thing. It makes us "think" in-correctly. Like, our family/friends will blame us, "why did you turn it off? " "It's not his fault". WRONG. No man has the right to hit a woman ever. No children should see such horrendous actions between their parents. And, no woman should go through what you just went through.

          When do you say ENOUGH? When do you realise this isn't a marriage and there is nothing to fear? That you can talk you are talking now, to us...

          Abuse is hard for you to see, you just see how can I get it right, not tell anyone and be happy ? It won't happen again, I won't turn the TV off... It will happen again, you can't get it right as you did nothing wrong... Bad communication does not justify a man hitting a woman...

          You have to protect yourself, your children.. Whether you like it or not, you will see that in time.. Going to the ER ensures it's on file... you need to do that. Going to your parents, who are blood, the people who raised you, is going to get you to release the real pain inside that you are feeling because they will support you and be there, trust me on that... And, take it all from there, as I am sure they will either change the lock so he can't get in, or have you there with your children whilst things are taken care of.

          Don't be frightened and stop being a victim, thinking it's your fault, or that marriage is for life. It is for life, but not for someone to attempt to take your life. You don't think that he did? He was just angry? He was right in the middle of this game or near the end and you stopped it? Throwing you across the room, and esculating his temper, one wrong move and you would not be able to write this now.

          Open your eyes here.. He could have choked you to death, in anger. Do you want to be there for your children or not be here and him bring them up? I know what I would "have" to do... Please listen to everyone.



          • I agree with EVERYONE. This needs to be documented. This is not only for the safety of yourself, but also for your children. Abuse of any sort runs in a cycle, and it is up to you completely to break that cycle. Whether or not you chose to break it, is completely up to you.

            But would you want your kids growing up thinking its okay to hit someone because they aren't co-operating with them? or giving into them? I should hope not. By going to the Police, or Hospital ensures YOUR safety, and others in the future. This man needs help, and you need to show him that.

            You wouldnt put up with that behaviour from your kids, or anybody else for that matter. What makes him so different?

            PLEASE report this. You will be saving your own life, and the kids' as well.
            The children almost broken by the world become the adults most likely to change it



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