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  • Husband has moved out

    After 23 years of marriage my husband came home and announced that he wasnt in love with me and was moving out. That he stayed as long as he could for the kids sake(15,15,12 yrs. old) . He wasnt happy and did not want to spend the rest of his life in a loveless marriage. we are both 44. Though our marriage has not been perfect. Stressful career for him stay at home mom for me.I never questioned my husbands love for me or his commitment to our vows and to our family. I love this man dearly and do not want a divorce.So though things had been a little icy for us the past year this came has a total shock to me. He says there is no one else and i believe him. He says he wants to find his real self and doesnt want to be married anymore to me or anyone else. He told me when i tell him i love him and want to work things out he feels sorry for me because he is no where even close to wanting tht right now. He says he feels sorry for me because he's undeserving of my love because he cant return it. He will no longer let me touch him for even a hug. This was a very loving man to me always- thoughtful and kind and it just feels like he's turned into someone i dont know. Extreme amount of pressure at work right now. I keep trying to remain positive but he's constantly telling me he does not want to come home and has no feelings for me. will always take care of me and loves me as the mother of his children but does not love me that way anymore. The kids have told him they want him back home and his reply was daddys not happy there. at this point he believes nothing in our relationship will change so he does not want to go back to the way it was. I have all the faith in the world that it can but i need a willing participant. Im now at the point of what do I do??? Or better yet what am i doing wrong??? he understands the way i feel and knows that i will take him back and that anything can be forgiven.Do i ignore him- keep telling him how much i love him or just try to move on

  • I think this may be the classic case of the "mid-life crisis". What were his plans and dreams prior to getting married? Does he still want to pursue those dreams? Has he given you any idea of what has set this off? Is there any way you can suggest counselling, marriage therapy or even family therapy? Has children, mortgage, and bills, snowed him under? Is there any way to relieve the pressure from him at this point? I'm only asking all these questions because before you can help him, you also have to help yourself. So, what is your answer to all these questions and what can you do for yourself? You are only in control of yourself and your circumstances, you won't be able to alter his no matter how much you may try.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.

    Comment


    • Stress can be emasculating. He may not feel like much of a man. Men usually link sex to love in a relationship. He pulled back from even hugs. What is the rest of the story of your sex lives: were you two each happy with how often and what type of sex you were having.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • I was in the exact same situation 15 months ago, unfortunately my ex chose to lie to me and tell me he thought he was gay, instead of didn't love me any more. I took him back, after separating for 6 weeks, then he left again 4 months later(Still without telling the truth). At least your husband has told you the truth. My ex was the same age as your husband as well, and my kids are a little older. It might be a mid-life thing, but there is no guarantee he'll change his mind. I think you should try an build a life away from him, with your kids and your friends, and if he chooses to come back, then great, but if he doesn't, the you will have made a start to a life without him.
        Loving Every Minute

        Comment


        • Keep telling him you love him will probably push him away right now. Give him some space, but don't disappear from his life. Ask him if he would be open to a different arrangement in your relationship. You still remain friends, but he can see other people. Or something like that. But see couples councelling at the same time. This way you can work on the marriage, but he doesn't feel like he is trapped.
          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

          Comment


          • I fell out of love with my first wife long before I ever got the nerve to walk out. Its never easy on the one who is the one being left. The fact that your kids are young will make this situation even harder. I am very sorry about you are going through and am guessing that there is a lot more behind his leaving you than he is telling. He may not be telling you everything because he thinks he is sparing your feelings, there are so many scenarios here. I had fallen in love with another woman and had a brief affair (11 days) before leaving the situation I was in. My kids were adults so I felt no sense of abandonment, it was easy for me. At the time I did not tell my ex about the other woman, not to sound cold but it was none of her business, we had a terrible relationship. This will be very painful for both of you but if he truly does not love you then he is not doing you any favors by staying with you. You deserve someone in your life who wants to be with you. I wish you the best

            Comment


            • Is he willing to go to any counseling? A decades-long marriage can not just one day turn into an announcement of "I don't love you anymore and I'm leaving" Obviously something went awry a while ago and he failed to communicate that then. Yes, it is a bit late to go down the counselling path, these things are best dealt with early. However, that doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is irrepairable. It just means it will take more time and work.

              The question for both of you is, are you WILLING to work on your marriage, to give it one last shot (with the help of a professional) before calling it quits? It seems as though you would be willing to work this out, and that is great! However, you must recognize that if he refuses, there is nothing you can do and your marriage will end.

              So what can you do? Talk to him, preferably in a neutral place, away from the kids, and ask that he at least do some sort of mediation or counselling to either see if you can repair what was broken, or if not, that you can at least end things with a sense of closure and understanding so it will be easier on the two of you and on your children. If he agrees, go and seek help together with an open mind, knowing that you've done everything YOU can. If he says no, then there is not much more you can do other than start preparing yourself for the dissolving of your marriage, making sure you and your children will be taken care of. You may still want to seek counseling for your own benefit, and for your kids too.

              Comment


              • Though he has told me there is no one. I cant help but think that there possibly could be someone who has caught his eye or some type of emotional affair. He is a very successful man- and well some women dont need more then that to pursue. please explain to me how you fall out of love with someone?? its the classic i love you but im not in love with you. He says he will always take care of me and never allow anyone to hurt me but isn't that being in love with someone. We don't argue. Our whole lives have been wrapped up in our kids and trying to make them happy. He says i neglected him but i feel like i was the one neglected in this marriage. Of course i was given all the material possessions but i just needed his time and aattention. he has a whole list of things that i've done wrong. not appreciative,supportive, the list goes on. At this point he says this may not mean divorce but then he'll say he wants a fresh start and it doesnt sound like its with me.

                Comment


                • We had not had sex in a year.................I had a miscarriage and was physically not able to for a while then it just became so long that it became hard to be intimate. He in no way was acting like he was missing it and then when I was ready he would not have any part in it. I asked him one night if we would ever make love again and he said he didnt know. I offered myself one last time days before he left and he said he was tired and that was that.

                  Comment


                  • hi Claret, He has had an extremely stressful year with work. He owns part of a company and will be selling in about a month.We have plenty of money but i believe the stress is still there of taking care of everything. we have a nice home- take atleast 3 major vacations a year- private school for the kids. He owns 2 sport cars and a suv. he bought me $ 30,000 earrings for Christmas. Though we can easily afford this lifestyle it is him who pursues all this not me. He says he just wants simple things out of life. Funny coming from someone who just bought a porsche!!!

                    Comment


                    • kwheel, it is possible to love somebody and not be in-love with them. Its when you care for somebody as a family or friend, but you don't have sexual attraction, you don't have this desire to spend your entire life with them, your happiness doesn't depend on their happiness, etc. As you say more, it seems like there were issues with your relationship, but because they happened slowly over a long perior of time, you didn't notice them. I really do think there if hope for both of you IF your husband is willing to go to couple's counselling. Ask him if he will go to resolve issues between you two so you can still remain friends and be good parents together. Maybe that will be a start. Then you can assess if it really is possible to rekindle things with him or if he truely has moved on. You will need that closure for yourself if this really is the end of the marriage.
                      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                      Comment


                      • Falling out of love with someone does not just happen overnight your followups to your OP certainly shed more light on what has taken place in your marriage. I hope that in the end you are able to pick up the pieces and move oin with your life, regardless of what your husband decides to do.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by kwheel View Post
                          We had not had sex in a year.................I had a miscarriage and was physically not able to for a while then it just became so long that it became hard to be intimate. He in no way was acting like he was missing it and then when I was ready he would not have any part in it. I asked him one night if we would ever make love again and he said he didnt know. I offered myself one last time days before he left and he said he was tired and that was that.
                          It does sound suspicious, like his libido was being fulfilled elsewhere, but stress could have decreased his libido to nothing. I cannot see what he was talking about when he said loveless marriage. When you were ready again, the two of you could have started over to build up the intimacy. Is he pouting like a little boy because you could not have sex for a while?
                          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                          ...
                          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                          Comment


                          • I do not think he is having sex with anyone. He could always take it or leave it. So maybe in his mind he's built up this fantasy relationship that doesnt exist. So there's no pouting but as was said men think sex is love. So if there was no sex going on maybe thats why he doesnt feel loved. Those are his exact words I dont feel the love. he only feels like an ATM. He knows how much I love him but right now I think he sees this as a desperate attempt to "save" myself and my happiness. He wants a do over a fresh start. I'm just confused in how you go from an extremely caring individual to just completely shutting down. Its like he just looks through me with no emotion. Part of me thinks hes trying way to hard to shut me out. That hes scared to let the wall down because I've dissapointed him and he doesnt want me to hurt him any more. So its just easier to shut things out and move on. He has a history of doing this with his family. No relationship with his Dad at all. and went years without speaking to his mom and sister. But he has forgiven all but his Dad and does have a relationship with them now. Issues- most definitely but i just feel hes headed for a train wreck but seems happy in being the engineer. My only hope and prayer in this is that he doesnt rush into doing something stupid just for the sake of getting it over and moving on.

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