[renalofton]

I've been with my husband for ten years (married for six) and I don't feel the love is there anymore. I just quit my job and moved to a little town for his job that he recently got. He works for the state so they require him to work overtime now. Sometimes he's gone all day and Im stuck at home with the kids in a town with no friends. Now he comes home after work and says that he has to work the graveyard shift. This morning I watched him as he got dressed and he got ****ed. I tried to give him a kiss as he walked pass me but he just looked at me and said no as he shut the door behind him. I called him to tell him that I didn't feel loved and he hung up in my face.

We have two kids and I would like for it to work but I don't think it will. If I get a divorce I will have to start over from scratch. I really don't have any support system in this state and I don't want to move in with my mother.

He complains that we don't do anything anymore but we have two children that are still really young. He wanted to go explore the caves last weekend and I told him that it wasn't going to work because our youngest is only six months old. When he talks about things in the house he always says my. For example: get off of MY couch. Get off of MY bed. Don't mess up MY table.

I used to love him but now I just feel unloved and alone. He talks about the women at his work. He tells me stories about them where its clear that he's flirting. I don't think he's cheated but I feel like its inevitable.

I don't know if I feel like this because I have a friend that is the same age as me and recently separated from her husband. She tells me about how much fun she's been having ever since she separated. Fun is nice to have but I would rather feel loved. Real love not just "we live together and have two kids so lets force it" love.

Should I just start the divorce process and see what happens?

[Ashlee T.]

Well it definitely sounds like an undesirable situation. How long have things been like this?

With or without kids, couples have to make time for each other. Maybe that means finding a babysitter in your area that can watch the kids on occasion while you all have date nights. I'd also venture to guess your sex life is not great?

It seems that he has it in his mind that because he is the "breadwinner" that everything is "his" and that he is doing you a favor by ALLOWING you to use HIS things. That is so very wrong. It's almost as if he's struggling with you not working outside the home, but he's not realizing that this is a HUGE adjustment for you too.

[renalofton]

Last year he said he wanted a divorce but I don't know if he was just too lazy to do it or if he was just saying that to be mean. The first year of marriage was hard then after that it was nice. After we had kids is when things started to get worse. I don't want to waste time. I don't want to stay with him for another ten years and have him divorce me or find out that he's been cheating. I like your idea about finding a babysitter to watch the kids. That might help. Apart of me feels that even if we had a "date night" every week that eventually things would go back to the way they are now. When we were younger I felt loved by him but that feeling is gone. Its almost like having a room-mate that you don't really like, you live together because in some way its beneficial for both people. I don't think the love will ever come back. I asked him if he was in love with me or if he just had love for me and he said being in love was for teenagers. That kind of broke my heart to hear.

I really don't know what to do but time is ticking and I don't want to look back on my life and say I should've would've could've.

[Ashlee T.]

I can understand why it would hurt to hear that, but isn't that also the way you feel? I mean, can you honestly say you're in love with your husband? It definitely seems like you're not getting what you deserve from him, but he, on the other side may feel he's not getting what he deserves from you either. Have you two sat down and talked about what is lacking in your relationship?

If you've both given up, there's no use in trying. But if you think it's salvagable, it's important to talk.

[KMonte85]

It seems you're both not getting what you need out your marriage. Does that mean it should end? Not necessarily.

I'm a big proponent for marriage counseling, given that you're both willing participants, and can go with the mindset of fixing your relationship. The couples that I know how have chosen counseling before going straight to divorce were able to either reconcile, or at least clear the air and repair the relationship enough that they could dissolve their marriage in a civil manner and maintain a good relationship for the sake of their children.

Let him you know want to talk, not yell, not argue, just talk about where you are and where you want to be. And then you actually do it. Talk to your husband.. not when he or you are in a hurry, or crabby, or when the kids are tearing around the house.. talk when it's quiet, when it's just the two of you, when you're both feeling calm. And see where you both stand when it come to the state of your marriage, if it is repairable, if counseling could be an option. And if cost is an issue, never fear... there are MANY lowcost or free services out there for people looking for help.

[Little]

Definitely do marriage counseling and possible a trial separation before divorce.

Speaking as a stay at home mom - the setup can take a negative toll on the strongest of relationships. You go from both leaving the home and bringing back money to one person bringing in money, with the other one just SAVING money. It's easy to see the numbers coming in. It's very hard to see them NOT coming out because of what you specifically are doing. And if your husband isn't really invested in the idea of women who stay home (especially if he's seen many women who abuse the position,) he isn't going to respect you, no matter how hard you work.
You could try writing down all the money you're saving the household - in daycare costs, in gasoline, in extra doctor fees because your kids are getting sick at daycare - as well as the TIME you're saving your husband with the tasks you're able to pick up at home.
It's not a quick fix, but it's a start towards mutual respect. And definitely find a babysitter for some nights out.

[renalofton]

In order to be in love it has to be a mutual feeling. I will try out the babysitting thing to see what happens. Hopefully we are able to patch things up. I will keep you ladies posted and let you know how it goes. Thanks for responding! I appreciate it a lot.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that the hardest thing to do when married is to keep it as if it's still dating, it's still girlfriend and boyfriend, in other words two people "sharing" something together, in its totality.

His work I think means that he has little time for family life, he's learned to be single.

Like everything that is told by one person, it's hard to offer sound advice, thoughts. So if he's learnt to feel single, and resents married life why? How does he feel when he gets home, what is there for him? How many no's does he hear for the sake of children verses "him" maybe that is why babysitting came into the thought pattern on this thread You are obviously wise and a smart Mother but I think he doesn't feel a part of your life.. No, plus no, often ends up with a feeling of rejection.

He is being protective, you are telling us "Divorce" only you don't want to live with your Mother, that you had a great time with him but no more. Did moving change things? You sacrificed something large, with no rewards, friends? New people, things to do, laughter coming in the house or bord, need his company to make you happy, laugh but he's tired and so the wheel keeps turning around and around.

You both need to remember why you met. You need personally to get out there and make friends, communicate with others, get a part time job even if it's on-line, I think you are bored and he feels it, the need of him, the non-laughter, and he's pretecting what he thinks is going to happen next, therefore, it's my, my.

He brings in the income... And, he doesn't have that laughter, smile, hug... It sounds as though you are living through your children.

I apologise if I am wrong but don't be upset over anything I said either, if you can look deep and see one or two things from it, then it's going to help you and that's why you are here.

You are a Mother. But you are a best friend... And you are a wife. And you are a sexual partner, and even the last one needs thoughts as well... As, he is and should be to you but one has to start for that "equal love " that you speak of.

CW