[Confused and hurt]

I have been with my husband for 5.5 yrs. We were married in July 2011. I found out in January 2012 that he had been cheating on me since September 2011. The day I found out, I throw him out and he went and slept at her house for the next 3 nights. He told me he was in love with her and didn't want to be with me because he was so unhappy. After the third night he decided that he wanted to come home. We have been trying to work on things and he promises he will never do anything like that again. And tells me he loves me more than anything. But how do I trust him again?

I have tried to talk to him about things that really bother me. Like, how I don't know how I feel about being married even though I feel like it meant absolutely nothing to him. Or how he has never said that he doesn't or didn't love this other woman. I don't want to have to come out and say I need to hear these things. (but I do) The only thing he says is he doesn't know what to say. I am really confused by that statement because I basically told him what to say. I don't understand why he would have married me if he was so unhappy?

I really don't know if I can get past the fact that he thought he love someone else. Is this something you can ever get over? Will I ever trust him?

We have both been married before. He was cheated on in his first marriage and also cheated on her. I was in a abusive marriage which took me a long time to realize I needed to get out. I don't want to live in pain anymore.

[lizzardb63]

After only being married for 2 months he cheats on you...goes to her place but 3 days later comes crawling back to you. Makes me think she wanted nothing to do with him. Why would he jeopardize his marriage for someone and then only 3 days later come crawling back if he had no problems cheating on you for that many months? Sounds fishy to me.

Maybe you two should enroll in some couples counseling. It might help work through those issues. It sounds like you don't feel like he is truly sorry, and I can't blame you. There wasn't enough time between him cheating and crawling back to you for him to even sort things out. If he can't say it he probably won't mean it if/when he does say it. If he was truly sorry, he would do anything to make you happy and to forgive him. If he can't even tell you he doesn't love this woman then it just gives me a feeling he isn't "over" her...

[Olympia]

Confused and hurt,

I understand your pain, and doubt. I experienced similar. My husband and I are still married, 28 yrs. in June. Neither have been divorced. But cheating drives a wedge between. There is much that needs to be discussed between you both. And forgivness, true forgiveness, will take time. What I asked myself... do I still love this man, enough that I can do this? Does he truly love you? Also, not to use the infidelity, when doubt gnaws at you. Communicate, respect, understand each other. Honestly open.... At times it may be difficult, but if you and he are true, it can work. Mind you, I did say, work... As that is
what it takes for a healthy marriage (two as one) to work. If need be a counsellor may be of help.

[Avatar Nirvana]

I say if you still have some love for him go to counseling. He says he loves you, but how do you know for sure? He even cheated in the past. He must realize that he not only broke your trust, but your heart. Even in counseling, this will take a while to heal.

[gardensparrow]

Oh, I'm so sorry you've had to face infidelity in your marriage. It's definitely hard to know what steps to take to move past an affair. And, I do think it's possible for restoration to occur in a marriage after something like this. However, it is important for both spouses to be totally committed to working through the issues that brough them to this place. And, often, that means being willing to meet with a counselor and get involved in some ongoing therapy. It's amazing what a difference that can make in a relationship. So, I would also encourage you to consider this option and talk to your husband about it. Hopefully, he'll be willing to go this route. If not, then you might want to look into going on your own. At the least, they can give you some guidance on how to respond to your husband and what you should be looking for as you consider whether he's sincere in his desire to work on your marriage. Also, if you enjoy books, you might want to look into some of the resources out there on working through an affair. Off the top of my head, I've heard that Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity by Gary Shriver and Mona Shriver and Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke both offer a lot of helpful advice on what you're facing. So, maybe you could find them at the library or online? Well, I hope things really turn around in your marriage. Praying for you...