[churchem]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years TOMORROW!! It has been a wonderful, yet rocky 5 years. I have always had a trust issue. Not just with him, but with any guy I dated. I have recently found out that my husband had another email address that he was using to email his ex-wife about the children they have together. He always talks about how much he hates her, but has another email he hides from his wife to talk to her?!?! I have always told him that all I wanted him to do was be honest with me upfront about talking to her and there would be nothing said about it. I do get upset when she calls because it is always about money! I feel like when she says "jump" he says "how high?" Every time I would ask him if she called or emailed him, he would say "no" and walk off. He says it is because he doesn't want to fight with me when he tells me. What??? So you would rather lie to me, me find out later that you hid it from me, than to be honest with me from the start????? This has been a ongoing battle with he and I for years! What should I do???

[MiriRose]

[FONT=Century Gothic]Hi churchem - I can totally relate to how you're feeling about this discovery. I know that my husband and I have had to work through some trust issues over the years, and I believe it will get easier for you. (Edit: removed outbound links and promotion of business)

[lizzardb63]

Do you think he feels he has to hide this e-mail BECAUSE you get upset he talks to her? How did you discover this e-mail and what did the e-mails say? Maybe he truly is trying to avoid upsetting you. The first thing that came to mind was he keeps contact with his ex because of his kids. If she needs something- I assume she says it's for his kids. DO you think when she says "jump" and he asks "how high" he's doing it not for her, but for his kids? Is he actively involved in his children's lives?

I have a sense that you have a little resentment towards her because you state "She calls because its always about money" so maybe he gets those vibes and finds it easier not to discuss anything about his ex. I know my mom upsets my fiance a lot, and if I don't have to bring up some of the conversations my mom and I have, I won't. UNless I feel it's truly important, I don't discuss these with him. I don't want to upset him (if that makes any sense).

I do think though that if you asked him to be honest with you and let you know when they talk then he should, but you HAVE to trust him. Otherwise there is always going to be this barrier or tension between you and because you already don't have much trust, he doesn't want to cause you to not trust him anymore already. He doesn't want to give you any more reason (even though he really hasn't given a true reason the way it is). I can see where he is coming from, but for someone who has trust issues, it might not be the best tactic.