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He left, desparate for help

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  • He left, desparate for help

    My boyfriend/fiance left 2 weeks ago. He said he had been unhappy for a while. He moved back into his parents house, taking only a duffle bag of clothes. We have been together for 5 years, he has been my 3 sons primary parent (My ex only sees them 2-4 days a month, and is not very involved). We just bought a house in December, and a second dog about a month before he left (the dog was his idea). A week after he left, he came home for mothers day, made me brunch, and stayed the whole day. We had wonderful conversation, he hung out with the kids, and we even had sex. I thought things were going to be ok, but then the next day he told me he couldn't come back. He needed space to sort things out in his head. Since then, he has gone to a therapist (but he refuses to go to couples counseling. He says he isn't comfortable doing that yet). He still claims he doesn't know what it is that is making him so unhappy, and that he loves me and the boys and doesn't want to end our relationship. I 100% know he is not cheating. I have no idea if/when he will come back. In the mean time, I've become a single parent, trying to take care of kids, work, cook, keep the house, do the yard work, and train this insane new dog. I don't know what to do or how to feel. Please, any help, thoughts, ect is very apprieciated.

  • I'm sorry you are going thru this
    Is he a Boyfriend of these 5 years or an Actual Fiance. Have there been any employment changes ( him ) Was the Buying of the House a Joint venture , is his name on it too ?

    I am confused as to why, he would leave within a couple of weeks of getting the House and a New Dog ?
    He may be afraid of " Commitment " on Paper. He has a " Ready Made Family, with you & the kids, but he just might be Frightened of the Actual, OMG, this is Obligation, House, Kids , " Wife ". He might just be stepping back and taking a Breath.
    Then again, you are left with all the Things right now.. Which you would be anyway,if he left Permanently.

    Another thing, the 5 years bugs me, It may be time for you to Expect some Commitment from him. Not be a " You're here only when things are Good " type of Woman, and having that OK, with you .
    Time for him to Dig in or Pull out. That Wishy Washy 1/2 in 1/2 out of your life and "Obligations " can do more harm to you & your kids.
    Have a talk with him, In or Out Honey ? I can do it on my own, I don't want to, but I'm not going to just be here when you have the Whim to be.

    Decision Time ...


    • Thank you for your response Baby girl. To answer your questions, the house is only in my name due to his student loans/credit. His name is on the title however, and we chose the house together (we lived in a rental prior). We consider ourselves engaged, although I do not yet have a ring. He is currently saving for that and he had told me that we would be getting "officially" engaged by the end of the year. We have already planned out and set a budget for our wedding, so that we can also save for that. All of these future plans have been mutual (not me pushing it). The main reason we are not yet married is purely financial. I am truely wondering if he had some sort of breakdown or could be suffering depression or something?

      **UPDATE: Yesterday he called me. We talked for 40 minutes. Nothing about the current situation, or our relationship. He talked about work, the classes he's planning on taking to finish his degree, ect. I told him about the yard work I'd done and what was new with the kids and work. At the end he said he'd call tomorrow, and that was it. I just let him lead the conversation, and it was nice but very suprising. Maybe the space is helping? I'm more confused than ever, and trying not to get my hopes up.


      • I agree with Babygirl, your boyfriend has a fear of commitment. The fact that he is going to therapy is a good sign. At least he recognizes it and is seeking help. I don't think couples counseling is necessary since he's the one with the issue. I also agree that he should not be able to come and go in the relationship either. He needs to get his dog and his things and not come back until he's ready to commit so you can focus on taking care of things while he's gone. This will help you keep your sanity as well as prepare you for the possibility that he decides he can't or doesn't want to continue the relationship. Even if he starts dating other women, I believe he will eventually come to the realization of what a good thing he has. Hopefully it will be soon.



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