[tiki]

I can't sleep and this is driving me nuts. Some days are good I want him to touch me and to be with him but most days I crindge when he touches me or even implies he wants sex. We have been married for 2 years and together for over 8.
Lets go back in time. I met him while I was in college and he was married, I was just having some crazy fun so I thought then I fell in love with this married man. In the end he left his wife and we got together it was a long and rough road.
When things started to really get rough about 4 years ago I started to get suspicious that he was cheating. My suspiciouns were correct. I was suspicous of 3 women but only really caught him with two, lots of it was emails but I know that one he actually met up with one for walks and coffee..... The women he met up with was within the year we were planning our wedding, I didn't have any real proof. so we worked on our issues and moved ahead with the wedding. On my wedding day I was very close to being that run away bride, but I went with it. We went on our honey moon and things were good but I still felt something was off. When we got home I snooped through his computer and found pictures of my husband and this other women kissing in her car, when I confronted him he swore that is all that happened but he told me that when I found out he was going for walks with her that all they did was go for walks and talk.
When I found the pictures I was only married a week and wasnt willing to throw in the towel, I was extremely horny and wanted him all the time after I seen these photos (weird) now I dont want him at all and I don't even know if I love him.

I really need some non bios insight.

[Ashlee T.]

It sounds to me like your intuition and instincts were screaming at you not to marry this man. You heard them, but you didn't listen to them. Personally, I can't see any reason why you would WANT this man to touch you. There is nothing more unattractive than deceit and betrayal. It is the classic case of "if he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you". To some extent you probably feel like you deserve it, having done the same thing to another woman. But you don't. And the wanting sex all the time after marriage, was most likely your way of trying to ensure he didn't cheat on you. Perhaps you subconsciously thought if your sex life was amazing he wouldn't cheat. You felt competition when you saw those photos.

When someone cheats, especially repeatedly, respect is gone. Your respect for him is gone for doing the cheating, and his respect for you is gone for putting up with it. Marriage is hard and takes a lot of effort on both parts. How can he give your marriage the effort it needs if he's out pursuing other women? How can you feel comfortable sleeping with a man you KNOW has and probably still is sleeping with other women? You don't need any more "real proof". You've had enough. It's time to read the big flashing red sign above your head. It's time to listen to your intuition for once. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life snooping, feeling disrespected and unloved and inadequate?

[jns]

Do you want to stay married or do you want to get divorced? If you want to stay married, you will have to become more comfortable with his chosen lifestyle. Possibly he will change, but guys usually don't.

[tiki]

I have no idea what I want. I talked to him today about the lack of sex and intimacy. It has all come back on me which is what i expected. He wants it, I don't. I also told him I don't know if I can ever fully move on from the cheating (which happened 2 years ago) and being hurt. He told me that's it's up to me to deal with. I honestly don't think he has since we said "I do" but I don't feel the same about him either.
Agh this is so hard.

Yes I agree HUGE red sign but what a hard choice to make.

[jns]

I have no idea what I want.

That is what I thought. In general I would say your life would be much better by getting a divorce and finding someone you are more compatible with, but if you are thinking of staying it is not the right advice. I'm a bit confused. Has he been completely faithful since the time of the cheating 2 years ago? If he has, maybe he has changed to some degree. Have the two of you tried counseling?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Tiki, I hope you are still around.

He's a womaniser, he won't change. The mere fact he said "deal with it" tells you that he has no skills nor knowledge of what constitues a marriage.

Off course you cringe.. He's playing the game and just wants a wife as well, you know the one that belongs whilst he does his thing, I am so sorry.. This is horrible.

How old are you two?

[Kristah]

Hey honey, I have been there but thankfully my husband and I have worked through it. There is now a look don't touch policy, and it has take 3 years to start gaining trust back. Its crazy because it can happen, but with you; you thought that if you married him he would be all yours but sadly that is not the case. If both of you are not willing to find a middle ground or he is not willing to stop at all then there will be no trust and with no trust is no relationship. I wish you the best of luck in your situation.