Support and advice needed
Hello everyone,
I'm looking for some support and advice.
While the situation I've created is entirely my fault and I understand, that you always have to deal with the consequences, I'm still hoping for some so much needed support right now.
My story is as follows:
Almost 7 years ago I was in a long-distance relationship and was in love with a foreigner, whom I'd met while working abroad during summertime. Unfortunately I knew, that for many reasons our relationship won't work, thus I was trying to come to terms with the fact, that we can't be together. At this difficult time, my fellow student in the Chemistry department at the university, where I was studying, hereinafter referred to as P. - a wonderful, kind and optimistic guy, began to show an interest in me. After some efforts on his part, we started dating. I related to him on many levels - we both come from difficult, even abusive, family backgrounds. We're both very inquisitive, with an above average intellect and we enjoy doing a lot of the same things. From the very beginning our relationship was challenged by many difficulties. After about a year into relationship my father got very ill - he was paralysed and I became fully responsible for his care. My mum wasn't much help in this department, because of long working hours and a lack of emotional stamina. I was getting him reassigned from hospital to rehabilitation centre to a nursing home later. During this time I went through all of his anguish - he cried every time I came, fed and washed him. He couldn't speak properly, but still I could make out, that he was begging me to take him home. As I mentioned, I was in my bachelor studies at that point and I was also working, thus it was quite impossible to comply with his wish. I felt responsible and guilty anyways.
After about two years of suffering, he passed. Then new problems arose. The apartment, our family was leasing, was contracted through my father, thus after he died, a price re-negotiation was in order. At that moment my boyfriend P. was having difficulties living with his parents (we were 20 at the time), thus we decided to take a loan from a bank and buy an apartment for the two of us. For about a year, we were very happy together - we studied together, worked together (I recommended that he come to my workplace, after he left his job), and basically did everything together. We grew so much on each other - we didn't even communicate with other people much. It felt like being a part of one beautiful whole! I can see now, how such attachment is destined to bring a devastating heart break in case of a break-up. I was warned by his parents, as well as by some friends, that living only for each other is not healthy and might end badly... Of course I didn't mind such warnings - I was madly in love and would have literally given my life for him.
After the blissful year my childhood problems began to rear their ugly heads. I was given up by my parents after birth - my father only wanted a son, my mother wasn't too excited about having children at the age of 29 either and on top of that they had a huge alcoholism problem. Thus I was given to my grandmother and a retarded aunt from my mothers side, with whom I lived till the age of 12. When I grew up, I realised that my parents did the right thing by giving me away, but during childhood I wished they would visit me more ( I saw them for 1-2 hrs a year) and I felt abandoned. My grandma and auntie did the best they could and had the best intentions at heart, but there was one particular complication, that I still have to struggle with to this day. My grandma was a war-time child and had experienced famine, thus she had some serious issues with eating. She would make me eat and eat, sometimes till I threw up and then she'd feed me some more.. This resulted in weight issues. I was overweight as a child and not too social either. The only thing I could do well was study. I struggled and battled with my weight constantly. I finally lost about 25 kg (55 pounds) at the age of 16 and kept a healthy weight through diet and exercise for about 5 years.
You can probably guess what I'm leading to here - I started gaining weight a year after my father died. P. was very supportive during my fathers sickness and used to bring me breakfast in bed and feed me chocolates every evening. I hadn't told him the whole truth about my childhood and weight (he knew that I had grown up without parents, though) - I was ashamed and wasn't ready to discuss it much. At the beginning P. simply told me to watch my weight, because it was obvious, that I was gaining it very fast. As my weight grew, our relationship went downhill. At first, I insisted, that I just needed a break and promised that I'd loose it soon enough. At that point I told him about my previous weight problems and assured him, that if I had dropped the weight once, I could do it again. But in the end I didn't do it
There were moments, when I was being stubborn and told him, that he should love me the way I was. Then there were times, when I lost some weight, but it came back again, because I couldn't stick with my diet and "ate up" all the worries, which came with writing my bachelor thesis, afterwards changing my study profile to medicine and struggling with finding a well payed job (we needed to make loan payments regularly).
With ups and downs in our relationship we ended up in Germany last year, where P. had a scholarship for his Ph.D. studies. We separated for about six months, right before he went to Germany, but we stayed constantly in touch via e-mail and skype and still had feelings for each other. Thus after these 6 months I came to visit and we decided, that I should come to Germany and stay with him. While living on my own, I had managed to drop about 15 kg (33 pounds), which was good, thus when he saw the changes, he got very excited and asked me to marry him. The outlook was very positive - he gets a degree at a prestigious university and I finally gain a healthy weight and find a good job. I'm fluent in German and have 2 university degrees, thus the possibility seemed realistic. What happened though was a huge disappointment.
P. became very unhappy with the group and the professor he was assigned to. A severe depression set in and I couldn't even get him out of the bed in the mornings. He wouldn't eat, sleep or do much of anything. The biggest problem was that he had signed a "Devil's contract" with the scholarship foundation: he wasn't allowed to travel out of the country (except for emergencies like a death in the family) and in case he failed to get a degree for some reason, he would end up owing about 20 000 EUR. This weighed on him heavily and he became suicidal. He tried to work things out through the scholarship committee, but they weren't understanding or helpful at all. He simply lay in bed for days - feeling guilty, ashamed and not finding any reasons to keep on living. It was a personality crisis of massive proportions.
And what were I doing during this ordeal of his: I began to gain weight again (got all that I'd lost in 6 months back in 2), I didn't find appropriate work - I lost all my confidence and wouldn't go to job interviews. I was trying to be supportive - I told him how much I loved him and admired him and assured him, that we would get through this all together. I tried to be caring, but that wasn't the kind of help he needed. I couldn't give him such a reason to go on, that he would accept. He blamed me for not finding work and a better apartment (there were also lots of problems with the landlord - P. asked me to find a more suitable apartment when I came, but I decided that there will be time for that later) as well as going back on my promise to loose my weight. The only things I did, that actually helped him were - I found a psychologist, who was fluent in English (P. speaks very little German and it was far from easy to find one in the area with the appropriate credentials) and with his help P. got a recommendation to abort the studies and go back to our home country, which in turn voided the necessity to pay back the 20 000 EUR to the foundation. Secondly, I was dealing with the landlord - I found some tenants (in Germany you have to find tenants before you move out or leave him the bail money) and also drew up a proxy for our friends, who would receive the bail money in our stead, because we were leaving Germany soon. The landlord didn't accept the tenants I kept finding and he kept the bail money for himself, thus I wasn't successful in this either. I also dealt with all the things concerning the bills, shopping, cooking and cleaning, any communications with the German authorities. The cooking wasn't great and the cleaning wasn't done regularly, though. Thus after this whole Germany affair P. felt like I've let him down and I couldn't be relied upon.
When we came back to our home country, the communication and understanding between us was extremely difficult - we were both depressed, unhappy and had grown apart. During the last couple of months in Germany P. was being mean to me and saying such things like "I can't look at you any more - and he actually walked a bit head on the street" and that I couldn't look well, no matter how I dressed up, while being this fat... It all contributed to my insecurities and I was miserable and "drawing into my shell". I suffered in silence and tried to do more and more for him of what I could, like serving him food and drink, because he wouldn't even open the fridge or make a tee himself, playing lots of PC games with him, which he enjoyed... But back home we went to live separately - each to our own parents. At first we met anyways, but whatever I said and did was wrong. I obviously couldn't do anything right. At one point it became clear to me, that we have to stop this. I simply walked away after another argument and we didn't speak for 2 days.
He called later and said, that it wasn't his intention to hurt me, but I was still smarting and told him that we were through! I went to a psychologist and began working on my problems. From all this anguish and hear-break, with the help of my therapist, I managed to get the will to find myself a new job. I also started attending driving courses and began a diet-exercise regiment. I was having success - finally. I began feeling like a person again and not a piece of garbage.
Meanwhile P. made some attempts to communicate and meet, like coming to visit with his mum or e-mailing. It was clear, that he wanted to resume some kind of relationship. I didn't want to. I knew, that if we got together so soon again, I would fail in bringing my life back in order, because I would impose my issues on him instead of dealing with them. What happened is that he didn't go to a therapy, although I think he needs it very much, but went back to kind of "work" at the university, where we used to study. It's work in the name only, because he doesn't get payed and skips regularly, when he doesn't feel like going. He also got contacted by a friend, we used to hang out with. She initiated a romantic relationship with him, which he told me on the Valentines day
They are together for about 4 months now. After I heard the news I invited him for a cup of coffee and told him that I'm actually hoping, that we could get together again soon. It never even crossed my mind, that our separation could be permanent. We were in a very bad place, when we returned and we both definitely needed some time to get back on the track, but I've always believed, that we could work our difference out. He told me, that perhaps it would be possible, when we became different people and that he wants to commit to the new relationship.
Since then I've continued with my work, weight-reduction and overall improvements. I'm successful and fully confident, that I'll get back to my healthy weight again - thanks to my therapy - I've changed my outlook on the weight issue and have stopped eating my problems away. Me and P. still keep in touch from time to time. I have very good relationship with his sisters, thus I visit sometimes and meet P. there as well. The interaction is definitely strained, but we talk and even remember the good old times some.
Two weeks ago he asked me out for a coffee, but it was a last minute invitation and I couldn't make it. I tried to reschedule, but he hasn't gotten back to me on that yet I tried to call him to simply talk some, but he hasn't been much forthcoming. And today I got a whiff, that he is getting another Ph.D. position - this time in France. He's supposed to go in October. And the news made me feel, like I was loosing him again. It's not like I have him anymore, but he's reachable and I had hopes, with me doing so well in the weight loss department (I have about 15 kg = 33 pounds more to go till the healthy weight, I've lost about 12 kg = 26 already), that we might get back together. He has told me, that he doesn't have such strong feelings about the new girlfriend, like he used to have for me. I feel that on his part there still are some feeling for me. But now he'll be leaving again...
Most probably he'll keep spending his time with his new girlfriend, because he won't want to make any big changes right before leaving. I hope we'll be able to keep in touch, but when, if ever, will I see him again? I think, that from my behaviour it is understandable for him, that I want to get back together. I still love P. very much. I'm also concerned, how he'll be able to deal with the pressure and the new surroundings, when it didn't go at all well the previous time. In my opinion he hasn't made any particular changes to improve his mental state. Of course, a new relationship comes with some positive surge of feelings, as well as the improvements in his relationship with his parents were providing some foothold, but will he make it on his own? I really would like to be there for him. If I could, I'd come with, but this time I would find work and look good and give the right kind of support to P. But right now, I don't know, what to do? I haven't been able to concentrate on work, since he asked me out and today I feel as if someone has kicked me in the stomach - hard. I'm afraid, that me coming on to him and trying to discuss the relationship will result in the opposite reaction of what I want to get. I'll be most grateful for any comments, suggestions and support you can provide me with.
I can't thank you enough, for reading through this whole flow of thoughts and emotions!
Even after simply writing all this up, I feel better, because there is no one in my life at the moment, I can share this with, except you.
Thank you!
I'm looking for some support and advice.
While the situation I've created is entirely my fault and I understand, that you always have to deal with the consequences, I'm still hoping for some so much needed support right now.
My story is as follows:
Almost 7 years ago I was in a long-distance relationship and was in love with a foreigner, whom I'd met while working abroad during summertime. Unfortunately I knew, that for many reasons our relationship won't work, thus I was trying to come to terms with the fact, that we can't be together. At this difficult time, my fellow student in the Chemistry department at the university, where I was studying, hereinafter referred to as P. - a wonderful, kind and optimistic guy, began to show an interest in me. After some efforts on his part, we started dating. I related to him on many levels - we both come from difficult, even abusive, family backgrounds. We're both very inquisitive, with an above average intellect and we enjoy doing a lot of the same things. From the very beginning our relationship was challenged by many difficulties. After about a year into relationship my father got very ill - he was paralysed and I became fully responsible for his care. My mum wasn't much help in this department, because of long working hours and a lack of emotional stamina. I was getting him reassigned from hospital to rehabilitation centre to a nursing home later. During this time I went through all of his anguish - he cried every time I came, fed and washed him. He couldn't speak properly, but still I could make out, that he was begging me to take him home. As I mentioned, I was in my bachelor studies at that point and I was also working, thus it was quite impossible to comply with his wish. I felt responsible and guilty anyways.
After about two years of suffering, he passed. Then new problems arose. The apartment, our family was leasing, was contracted through my father, thus after he died, a price re-negotiation was in order. At that moment my boyfriend P. was having difficulties living with his parents (we were 20 at the time), thus we decided to take a loan from a bank and buy an apartment for the two of us. For about a year, we were very happy together - we studied together, worked together (I recommended that he come to my workplace, after he left his job), and basically did everything together. We grew so much on each other - we didn't even communicate with other people much. It felt like being a part of one beautiful whole! I can see now, how such attachment is destined to bring a devastating heart break in case of a break-up. I was warned by his parents, as well as by some friends, that living only for each other is not healthy and might end badly... Of course I didn't mind such warnings - I was madly in love and would have literally given my life for him.
After the blissful year my childhood problems began to rear their ugly heads. I was given up by my parents after birth - my father only wanted a son, my mother wasn't too excited about having children at the age of 29 either and on top of that they had a huge alcoholism problem. Thus I was given to my grandmother and a retarded aunt from my mothers side, with whom I lived till the age of 12. When I grew up, I realised that my parents did the right thing by giving me away, but during childhood I wished they would visit me more ( I saw them for 1-2 hrs a year) and I felt abandoned. My grandma and auntie did the best they could and had the best intentions at heart, but there was one particular complication, that I still have to struggle with to this day. My grandma was a war-time child and had experienced famine, thus she had some serious issues with eating. She would make me eat and eat, sometimes till I threw up and then she'd feed me some more.. This resulted in weight issues. I was overweight as a child and not too social either. The only thing I could do well was study. I struggled and battled with my weight constantly. I finally lost about 25 kg (55 pounds) at the age of 16 and kept a healthy weight through diet and exercise for about 5 years.
You can probably guess what I'm leading to here - I started gaining weight a year after my father died. P. was very supportive during my fathers sickness and used to bring me breakfast in bed and feed me chocolates every evening. I hadn't told him the whole truth about my childhood and weight (he knew that I had grown up without parents, though) - I was ashamed and wasn't ready to discuss it much. At the beginning P. simply told me to watch my weight, because it was obvious, that I was gaining it very fast. As my weight grew, our relationship went downhill. At first, I insisted, that I just needed a break and promised that I'd loose it soon enough. At that point I told him about my previous weight problems and assured him, that if I had dropped the weight once, I could do it again. But in the end I didn't do it
There were moments, when I was being stubborn and told him, that he should love me the way I was. Then there were times, when I lost some weight, but it came back again, because I couldn't stick with my diet and "ate up" all the worries, which came with writing my bachelor thesis, afterwards changing my study profile to medicine and struggling with finding a well payed job (we needed to make loan payments regularly). With ups and downs in our relationship we ended up in Germany last year, where P. had a scholarship for his Ph.D. studies. We separated for about six months, right before he went to Germany, but we stayed constantly in touch via e-mail and skype and still had feelings for each other. Thus after these 6 months I came to visit and we decided, that I should come to Germany and stay with him. While living on my own, I had managed to drop about 15 kg (33 pounds), which was good, thus when he saw the changes, he got very excited and asked me to marry him. The outlook was very positive - he gets a degree at a prestigious university and I finally gain a healthy weight and find a good job. I'm fluent in German and have 2 university degrees, thus the possibility seemed realistic. What happened though was a huge disappointment.
P. became very unhappy with the group and the professor he was assigned to. A severe depression set in and I couldn't even get him out of the bed in the mornings. He wouldn't eat, sleep or do much of anything. The biggest problem was that he had signed a "Devil's contract" with the scholarship foundation: he wasn't allowed to travel out of the country (except for emergencies like a death in the family) and in case he failed to get a degree for some reason, he would end up owing about 20 000 EUR. This weighed on him heavily and he became suicidal. He tried to work things out through the scholarship committee, but they weren't understanding or helpful at all. He simply lay in bed for days - feeling guilty, ashamed and not finding any reasons to keep on living. It was a personality crisis of massive proportions.
And what were I doing during this ordeal of his: I began to gain weight again (got all that I'd lost in 6 months back in 2), I didn't find appropriate work - I lost all my confidence and wouldn't go to job interviews. I was trying to be supportive - I told him how much I loved him and admired him and assured him, that we would get through this all together. I tried to be caring, but that wasn't the kind of help he needed. I couldn't give him such a reason to go on, that he would accept. He blamed me for not finding work and a better apartment (there were also lots of problems with the landlord - P. asked me to find a more suitable apartment when I came, but I decided that there will be time for that later) as well as going back on my promise to loose my weight. The only things I did, that actually helped him were - I found a psychologist, who was fluent in English (P. speaks very little German and it was far from easy to find one in the area with the appropriate credentials) and with his help P. got a recommendation to abort the studies and go back to our home country, which in turn voided the necessity to pay back the 20 000 EUR to the foundation. Secondly, I was dealing with the landlord - I found some tenants (in Germany you have to find tenants before you move out or leave him the bail money) and also drew up a proxy for our friends, who would receive the bail money in our stead, because we were leaving Germany soon. The landlord didn't accept the tenants I kept finding and he kept the bail money for himself, thus I wasn't successful in this either. I also dealt with all the things concerning the bills, shopping, cooking and cleaning, any communications with the German authorities. The cooking wasn't great and the cleaning wasn't done regularly, though. Thus after this whole Germany affair P. felt like I've let him down and I couldn't be relied upon.
When we came back to our home country, the communication and understanding between us was extremely difficult - we were both depressed, unhappy and had grown apart. During the last couple of months in Germany P. was being mean to me and saying such things like "I can't look at you any more - and he actually walked a bit head on the street" and that I couldn't look well, no matter how I dressed up, while being this fat... It all contributed to my insecurities and I was miserable and "drawing into my shell". I suffered in silence and tried to do more and more for him of what I could, like serving him food and drink, because he wouldn't even open the fridge or make a tee himself, playing lots of PC games with him, which he enjoyed... But back home we went to live separately - each to our own parents. At first we met anyways, but whatever I said and did was wrong. I obviously couldn't do anything right. At one point it became clear to me, that we have to stop this. I simply walked away after another argument and we didn't speak for 2 days.
He called later and said, that it wasn't his intention to hurt me, but I was still smarting and told him that we were through! I went to a psychologist and began working on my problems. From all this anguish and hear-break, with the help of my therapist, I managed to get the will to find myself a new job. I also started attending driving courses and began a diet-exercise regiment. I was having success - finally. I began feeling like a person again and not a piece of garbage.
Meanwhile P. made some attempts to communicate and meet, like coming to visit with his mum or e-mailing. It was clear, that he wanted to resume some kind of relationship. I didn't want to. I knew, that if we got together so soon again, I would fail in bringing my life back in order, because I would impose my issues on him instead of dealing with them. What happened is that he didn't go to a therapy, although I think he needs it very much, but went back to kind of "work" at the university, where we used to study. It's work in the name only, because he doesn't get payed and skips regularly, when he doesn't feel like going. He also got contacted by a friend, we used to hang out with. She initiated a romantic relationship with him, which he told me on the Valentines day
They are together for about 4 months now. After I heard the news I invited him for a cup of coffee and told him that I'm actually hoping, that we could get together again soon. It never even crossed my mind, that our separation could be permanent. We were in a very bad place, when we returned and we both definitely needed some time to get back on the track, but I've always believed, that we could work our difference out. He told me, that perhaps it would be possible, when we became different people and that he wants to commit to the new relationship.
Since then I've continued with my work, weight-reduction and overall improvements. I'm successful and fully confident, that I'll get back to my healthy weight again - thanks to my therapy - I've changed my outlook on the weight issue and have stopped eating my problems away. Me and P. still keep in touch from time to time. I have very good relationship with his sisters, thus I visit sometimes and meet P. there as well. The interaction is definitely strained, but we talk and even remember the good old times some.
Two weeks ago he asked me out for a coffee, but it was a last minute invitation and I couldn't make it. I tried to reschedule, but he hasn't gotten back to me on that yet
I tried to call him to simply talk some, but he hasn't been much forthcoming. And today I got a whiff, that he is getting another Ph.D. position - this time in France. He's supposed to go in October. And the news made me feel, like I was loosing him again. It's not like I have him anymore, but he's reachable and I had hopes, with me doing so well in the weight loss department (I have about 15 kg = 33 pounds more to go till the healthy weight, I've lost about 12 kg = 26 already), that we might get back together. He has told me, that he doesn't have such strong feelings about the new girlfriend, like he used to have for me. I feel that on his part there still are some feeling for me. But now he'll be leaving again...Most probably he'll keep spending his time with his new girlfriend, because he won't want to make any big changes right before leaving. I hope we'll be able to keep in touch, but when, if ever, will I see him again? I think, that from my behaviour it is understandable for him, that I want to get back together. I still love P. very much. I'm also concerned, how he'll be able to deal with the pressure and the new surroundings, when it didn't go at all well the previous time. In my opinion he hasn't made any particular changes to improve his mental state. Of course, a new relationship comes with some positive surge of feelings, as well as the improvements in his relationship with his parents were providing some foothold, but will he make it on his own? I really would like to be there for him. If I could, I'd come with, but this time I would find work and look good and give the right kind of support to P. But right now, I don't know, what to do? I haven't been able to concentrate on work, since he asked me out and today I feel as if someone has kicked me in the stomach - hard. I'm afraid, that me coming on to him and trying to discuss the relationship will result in the opposite reaction of what I want to get. I'll be most grateful for any comments, suggestions and support you can provide me with.
I can't thank you enough, for reading through this whole flow of thoughts and emotions!
Even after simply writing all this up, I feel better, because there is no one in my life at the moment, I can share this with, except you.
Thank you!
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