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I'm leaving my fiance

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  • I'm leaving my fiance

    It was the final straw last night when i checked our internet history and found he'd lied to me. Long story cut short, he'd been watching 'barely legal' porn again, long before he'd admitted it. I thought having a one year old daughter, it would be the last thing he'd be into. He's lied to me about so many things, been verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive.

    He's been controlling, possessive, manipulative and always blamed me for his own twisted actions. I threw my engagement ring somewhere in our back garden. i told him if he ever finds it, to shove it up his ********.

    No way will he ever have unsupervised access with our little girl ever again. He doesn't know how to take care of her anyway, he has to be reminded to feed her for ******** sake.

    But i have painful, tight feeling in my chest and a pulling sensation in my belly.
    I'm scared i'm over reacting.

    I have no family, no friends, no job, not even a bank account.
    How will i bring my daughter up, feed her? I guess i just need some reassurance.. Has anyone been in this situation and would like to give me a bit of support please? I'm scared.

  • I'm scared i'm over reacting.
    I know you just like typed that. Not going into detail.. Because you don't want to diss him yet deep inside you know both , the pain, and the protectiveness you HAVE to do now.

    This is hard for you. But your gut feelings are right. I am sorry you entered this relationship in hope but you are not overacting based on what you wrote.

    I imagine you have no friends, nothing as he controlled that and you lost those people over time right?

    They were there for you once and so will be again, start typing.

    Someone will come through for you if you tell the "honest" story and you can go from there.

    He has a lot of issues and you have a child.. Take the child and yourself and go somewhere .

    Let other posters advise where.. Where in the UK do you live.. ?

    We are here for you again... and actually always.



    • One step at a time....

      You are about to take the first and hardest one....leaving him. Once you do, you know that things will get better. The only way to go from the situation you are in is UP! Yay!

      Find a close friend, that you can trust, to live with for a short time while you get on your feet on your own.

      I'm sure you are overwhelmed with "all that you must do", so make a list of the things and conquer them one by one, over time.

      You can do it! Lots of others in here have.

      One small step at a time...


      • You have many valid reasons to leave him and should probably do so.

        I wouldn't worry about the "barely legal" porn as indicating a risk for your child. That porn is still showing adult sexually mature women, and it is very common for men to be attracted to this. An attraction to children is a different, very uncommon, and much more dangerous thing. Unless he has shown an attraction to children, rather than young adults, I don't think you need to worry.


        • Thanks all. I took the first move and took my daughter to a police-appointed safe house for the night while he was at work. I came back yesterday to try to work things out but ended up getting -metaphorically- stabbed through the heart again. I know what i have to do now.

          CW, i took your advice. I searched online for someone to help me and Women's Aid Doncaster have said they'd help my daughter and i into a refuge and get me a bank account sorted out. I've also found a site...can't remember what it's called... specifically for newly single parents with activities, help and support.

          RC, i'm not so worried about that anymore. i don't like it but when i tried to work things out yesterday and found he'd been lying to me for three years -unnecessarily. The trust is gone. After everything he knows about how i was treated by my family, he still tricked me and manipulated me for three years. Everything was all a lie and i don't know for sure if he ever loved me at all. At least i found out now before i married him.

          Thanks all for your support x


          • All I want to say is good for you! You are strong enough to get away when need be. Especially when you have a child.
            A lot of women are too scared to leave unhealthy relationships so props to you. I wish you the best and there's moral support here if you need it!
            "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."


            • Melephant, I wish you good luck and would like to tell you that I think you've done the absolutely right thing! It's great you were courageous enough to take your daughter and leave him. Seems like you were a very strong woman. So you will fix the other following things, too. And it is so good you already know where you can get help from.
              Good luck!


              • I doubt Melephant has internet access at the moment and if she did, she'd still be working through all the new surroundings.

                Just dropping in to say proud of you and I hope you are doing good Melephant.
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                • I am a mother in a compromising situation myself - it is terrifying to be pregnant, terrifying to raise a child, but even more terrifying still at the prospect of possibly doing the whole thing by yourself. I feel your pain. What you should do is possibly speak to a third party, completely removed to the situation. You can usually find free or fairly cheap people to speak to, no matter where you live. And soul searching is always a good idea too. Did you know he watched this porn before or while you guys were dating?
                  In the end, just because he watches "barely legal" porn doesn't mean he will abuse his daughter. Many men watch this type of porn, and lots of other weird porn too, because it is a type of taboo fantasy that turns them on. However, it sounds like he isn't very attentive to his child, and being reminded to feed her is a serious enough concern.
                  Just know that being an internet policeman will only bring unhappiness to yourself and to your fiancee. You shouldn't have to do that, and he is his own man.


                  • One of the saddest things to me is seeing a young, single, pregnant and potentially (if not already) vulnerable girl doing her best to prepare for the journey alone. I sued to do a lot of work in social housing (I believe you call these projects or section 8 houses or something similar in the USA?). But unfortunately it happens, and I believe a child has a better chance with one single parent doing their best, alone, than with a dysfunctional one thrown into the mix.

                    I won't echo the porn comments, I agree with everyone's opinions on that. It sounds like the porn thing was the straw that broke the camels back here, and rightly so, the guy sounds like an A-hole of the finest pedigree.

                    Melephant, good luck, I like you, always have, always will. xxx
                    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


                    • Originally posted by AshB$ View Post
                      All I want to say is good for you! You are strong enough to get away when need be. Especially when you have a child.
                      A lot of women are too scared to leave unhealthy relationships so props to you. I wish you the best and there's moral support here if you need it!
                      I know this thread is no place for jokes, but when I read the title I thought: 'what's happened to AshB now?'
                      "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


                      • From a man's perspective there is absolutely no reason for him to be abusive to you in any way. I would be concerned that if you did get married to him it would give him validation that the way he is treating you is OK. You don't deserve that. As the mother of his child he should be willing to do anything to make your life better, and that starts with how he treats you!

                        I can only imagine the hardships you may be facing, but by facing them head-on you are trying to make a better life for you and your child. It may seem hard now, but in the long run you will have the life you deserve.


                        • OMG! This is why I'm so glad I've got my guy locked up nice and tight in a male chastity device. Barely legal is technically legal, right? Still, it's awfully creepy.


                          • Thanks everyone for your support, it does mean a lot. Just an update, after i came back from the safe house and got my heart broken again, i called the housing people who dropped me off and they took my lil girl and me to a hostel. However, it wasn't very safe so i called my ex and he came over. We both agreed that what would be safer for my girl and easier for us all is if i moved back home (the house is in my name anyway) and my ex moved in to his parent's house.

                            He sees his girl every day and has her on weekends. She is growing up to be an extremely happy and sociable girl and her hospital visits are down to twice a year -woo!

                            My ex and i are getting on fine but that's it. We are being civil for our girl and that's it, i don't even hate him any more, i just feel nothing. I would definitely urge anyone who was in a similar situation to mine to please get out of there, it will be the greatest thing you could ever do for yourself -and especially your child, if you have one



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