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Should the wedding wait?

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  • Should the wedding wait?

    Money is super tight right now. I have barely made 2 paychecks in my lifetime so far. And my fiance has had his salary cut back severly after being told he was getting a raise from his father, who owns the business. He comes from a quite wealthy family. Even though he feels "average", his parents have been very wealthy.

    I don't know the details, but I know their family is going through some horrible stuff right now. Money problems I think. Anyway, my fiance is getting kicked out of the house pretty much because it's getting too hard. And his father wants him to live his own life and take care of me. Here are some problems:

    My baby got a scholarship for sharp shooting. While studying pre-med at Ohio State, my fiance was diagnosed with pancreatitis. This included lots of hospital stays and some ambulance rides. He became too sick to even function. The doctors told him he was pretty much on his death bed. So he flew back here, to Washington. Having nowhere to turn, he moved back in with his parents. He was too ill to take care of himself.

    He continued having pancreatitis attacks, destroying his pancreas. Now it is chronic at the age of 20. He's had procedures done and a few trips to the ER. He was massive medical bills to pay, and some I believe may have been sent to collection agencies. Not good! Ever since a teen, his father has been helping him pay his car bill, splitting it half and half. Now his father won't help. They want him out of the house by the end of this week, God knows why....

    He has no place to go. He has tons of medical bills to pay. Car bill. Phone bill. Gas. He'll have to worry more about food. And this cut he has recieved to his salary is NO help whatsoever. I told him it is quite normal for young people out of high school to struggle. But adding on the hundreds of dollars of medical bills is insane! He was making very good money for his age and now it's down to minimum wage pretty much. He's making the same as me. Only difference is he tries to work 10-12 hour days while I was 2-4 hours.

    He has to look for a new job. A higher paying one. If he leaves his father's company, that means I'll have to leave too. Because what I do is computer/phone work for my fiance. He needs to look back into college, a medical program over here. I'll be trying to enroll in a technical school to study funeral services. We will both be tied up with school and working.

    I am on birth control but we both have our doubts about it. He already thinks I am pregnant. And I feel 50/50 about it. A baby would not help the situation. He wants to take care and pay for me, yet he's freaking out about how he'll care for himself. How could a baby fit into this!? We are now being extra careful, just in case.

    It is all really stressful right now. It's upsetting me because I thought we were doing well, which we were! He now says he'll live in his car til he can find a better paying job so he can afford to rent an apartment. It's pretty crappy. We wanted to get married summer or fall of 2013.... But I don't know if that should happen due to everything going on right now. I want a well planned out wedding. And 2013 would be the perfect year in my eyes. I just don't know.

    Should it be put aside to focus on other things?
    "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

  • It's becoming so upsetting for me. I can't watch my fiance go though so much pain.
    I try so hard to help with his health issues, he didn't listen to me today. I know he had a very bad pancreatitis attack tonight and it breaks my heart.
    I want to be strong for him. I wish he didn't have to go through something so painful and horrible at such a young age. It's killing me. I know he doesn't have as long as everyone else. I know he'll never lead a 'normal' life. He's never going to feel 100% again. He's in constant pain, it never goes away.
    It is very heart breaking. I wish I could fix it. I don't understand why God won't fix it. I am breaking down.
    "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."


    • Take a pregnancy test.

      Forget about the wedding for now. If money is tight you have no choice unfortunately. Concentrate on your BF's health.

      What's suddenly altered your BF's relationship with his parents so drastically?

      Can't you just move back with your parents temporarily until this blows over and you're both working steadily?
      "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


      • If it were me... Yes, I would put the wedding plans on the back burner.

        Have you and your boyfriend discussed living together? Sounds like you both are making minimun wage but together you should be able to live decently comfortable. You might not have cable, and you might eat Ramon Noodles everyday for lunch... but I'd rather be together with very little than live apart and see him struggle. At least if you were living together you could offer the other comfort and company.


        • You don't have to reserve anything now, do you? I would think the final decision for most large weddings can be put off for a while. If you were to elope, it could be put off even further. Maybe plan things but don't finalize those plans until you are sure you can pull them off.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


          • Ash.

            We all want to live in a perfect World but obsticles will always be put in the way, I feel to see if we can jump them. As each one we jump we get stronger for it.

            I am wondering whether his Father has helped him on-going, maybe 50/50 but he's also given him a good paying job and from the sounds of it a part time job for you.. Maybe his Father 1) is suffering financially and needs to cut down in order to survive and 2) feels it's time his son flew the coop and took care of himself in totality and that of his future wife, which means he has to stand on his own two feet.

            Given his Father appears to have supported him thus far, means his Father is not mean, quite the opposite and feels your fiance can do this if he thinks right.

            That means going for job interviews with the credentials that he has and obtaining a new job and it means you too, get a resume off his Dad and get out there and find a full time job or two part time jobs. You both are at the age where you have to stand up for yourselves.

            I'd like to know more about the illness. Is it cancerous? Is he on medication, what is the diagnosis. What have you heard from his Father about all of that, do you talk to his Father..


            • I currently am living with my father who keeps freaking out on me. He got really ****y today and called me to scream at me another 10 minutes and told me to pack my stuff. I know he probably wasn't very serious since I've been hearing that since the age of six, but I'm gonna take it seriously.

              CW: Pancreatitis can cause cancer. I am almost 100% convinved he will get cancer of the pancreas and die. It is very deadly.

              From a website:
              "Survival Rates
              According to the American Cancer Society, for all stages of pancreatic cancer combined, the one-year relative survival rate is 20%, and the five-year rate is 4%. These low survival rates are attributable to the fact that fewer than 20% of patients' tumors are confined to the pancreas at the time of diagnosis; in most cases, the malignancy has already progressed to the point where surgical removal is impossible.

              In those cases where resection can be performed, the average survival rate is 18 to 20 months. The overall five-year survival rate is about 10%, although this can rise as high as 20% to 25% if the tumor is removed completely and when cancer has not spread to lymph nodes."

              And here's a little on pancreatitis: (fiance has chronic)

              "Pancreatitis is inflammation of the pancreas. It occurs when pancreatic enzymes (especially trypsin) that digest food are activated in the pancreas instead of the small intestine. It may be acute – beginning suddenly and lasting a few days, or chronic – occurring over many years. It has multiple causes and symptoms.

              Signs and symptoms The most common symptoms of pancreatitis are severe upper abdominal pain radiating to the back, nausea, and vomiting that is worsened with eating. The physical exam will vary depending on severity and presence of internal bleeding. Blood pressure may be elevated by pain or decreased by dehydration or bleeding. Heart and respiratory rates are often elevated. The abdomen is usually tender but to a lesser degree than the pain itself. As is common in abdominal disease, bowel sounds may be reduced from reflex bowel paralysis. Fever or jaundice may be present. Chronic pancreatitis can lead to diabetes or pancreatic cancer. Unexplained weight loss may occur from a lack of pancreatic enzymes hindering digestion.

              Diagnosing pancreatitis requires two of the following:
              -Characteristic abdominal pain
              -Blood amylase or lipase will be 4-6 times higher than the normal variations, but this will be dependant on the laboratory that is testing the blood.
              -Abdominal ultrasound is generally performed first, which is advantageous for the diagnosis of the causes of the pancreas, for example, detecting gallstones, diagnosing alcoholic fatty liver (combined with history of alcohol consumption). They are both the main causes of pancreatitis. Abdominal ultrasound also shows an inflamed pancreatitis clearly. It is convenient, simple, non-invasive and inexpensive.
              -Characteristic CT scan

              The treatment of pancreatitis is supportive and depends on severity. Morphine generally is suitable for pain control. There is a claim that morphine may constrict the sphincter of Oddi, but this is controversial. There are no clinical studies to suggest that morphine can aggravate or cause pancreatitis or cholecystitis. Oral intake, especially fats, is generally restricted at first. Fluids and electrolytes are replaced intravenously. However there is also evidence showing that earlier nutrition and feeding contributes to better recovery. The underlying cause should also be treated (targeting gallstones, discontinuing medications, cessation of alcohol etc.) The patient is monitored for complications."

              Pretty much with chronic pancreatitis, there isn't a cure.
              "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."


              • Ok hun, I know what it is. But he hasn't got cancer yet. So what is he doing to help prevent it? Diet, drinking etc and what has he been going to hospital for?

                Just trying to view this side first.

                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                • Well the main thing he has done was change his diet drastically. Meaning he is cutting back on fat because his body simply cannot digest it. He is increasing his water intake. He has to take panceatic enzymes to help digest his food.
                  He has gone to the ER for horrible pancreatitis attacks. The pain is so great at times he cannot walk. Sometimes, like last night, he will be so nauseous that he will throw up. He will be severely dehydrated due to the fact he isn't able to keep water down. It's a horrible disease to have.
                  "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."


                  • I'm so sorry to hear about everything that is going on. I hope that things start to get better for the both of you.

                    However, in regards to the initial question- why put the wedding on hold? My husband and I got married during a very simple ceremony, and our only cost was to pay my friend to officiate the wedding, and we had to force the money on him. In my opinion, weddings to have to be an expense. You can have the ceremony, to dedicate your love to each other, and worry about the fancy display when you have the money. I know we intend to have a vow renewal ceremony at 5 years (we're almost at 2) because it's not a high priority for us right now. If you love each other, and want to be married, then do so.


                    • Originally posted by rosekitten View Post
                      I'm so sorry to hear about everything that is going on. I hope that things start to get better for the both of you.
                      Thank you!

                      I agree. I've just always dreamed of a fancy wedding, not big, just nice.
                      "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."


                      • Originally posted by AshB$ View Post
                        Thank you!

                        I agree. I've just always dreamed of a fancy wedding, not big, just nice.
                        Then have one! But, the fancy ceremony doesn't have to be at the same time as the actual license. I've never understood making love wait, just because the wedding wasn't going to be the fancy one that was imagined. Love is love, and no amount of pomp and fancy ceremony will change that.


                        • I think you are right!
                          "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."



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