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Living in fear

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  • Living in fear

    Hi, I'm new to the forum, I found it while looking up ways to heal from emotional abuse. I've been with my husband for four years. He has a lot of anger from his past that he projects onto me. He cuts me down, controls me, and when he is upset will go days without talking to me because he knows that form of punishment hurts me the most. He is a pilot and is gone every week. I have three children with my ex husband. I informed my husband that my ex offered to keep the children for a few days so that my current husband I could spend some time together. My husband became enraged at this and didn't talk to me for five days. It use to be at least once a month he would ignore me for a few days, then it was once a week, and now it's a few times a week. He keeps becoming worse. I sit here living in fear if he will ever come home again, if he does, will he be mean to me. I haven't eaten in three days or slept. I'm constantly nervous and so scared. The pain is killing me inside! I don't understand why I'm to blame for everything. I try to be the best I can be for him. I just recently begun seeing a therapist who stated we needed to work on me becoming stronger. I use to be so strong and independent. Now, I have the most difficult time functioning. I don't know what to do and I'm too scared to leave him. I don't work because he likes me at home, I don't have a lot of friends because he likes me to dedicate my time to him. Does anyone have any suggestions??

  • Your husband needs therapy, not you.He needs to want help.

    This behavior is also no god for your kids. Your husband, by the sound of things is ruining your life..

    You should leave this ****** hole for yours and your children's sake
    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


    • I like Buddhaboy's answer. "Spot on, ol chap"

      Now to regain all seriousness...Your husband needs help, and you need to leave if he doesn't change. Think about how this is crippling you, and your children. I bet, if your ex heard about this he would freak. Because he knows its wrong of your husband, too.

      Sweetheart, this isn't a healthy relationship... that's what it all comes down to. Soon enough he will have you so scared, that you'll just stop leaving the house. Or worse...what if he starts hitting you?? You need to leave, and if he comes after you...tell him to get professional help and then you'll think about coming back.

      Please leave. Before its too late
      The children almost broken by the world become the adults most likely to change it


      • Thank you both for your encouraging words. I spoke to my therapist today and she informed me that I was addicted to him, when he ignores me for days, I go through withdrawals waiting for my next fix from him. She knows I'm not ready to leave him even though I should. I'm still afraid to stand up for myself and tell him he needs counseling before he can come back. I'm not quite at that point yet, but I did schedule marriage counseling for next Tuesday, so that's a first step. I know I can't handle much more of this abuse or I will go insane. It's hard being in love with someone like him!


        • I'm sorry to hear all this...

          Despite the tiny amount of information you gave us the key characteristics of a nasty, controlling, abusive bully are present. He purportedly doesn't like you nor care for you yet hasn't left you, when you hopefully leave him soon I'll bet money he transmogrifies into a pathetic, weeping wreck - which will actually be him showing his true colors.

          He has done his very best to minimize your support network (wont let you work so you've got no money, minimized your contact wit friends and family etc) to increase your dependency on him and making it as difficult as possible for you to leave him.

          This 'man' is scum of the finest pedigree. Do you have anywhere you can go, friends, family? I would explore all options, think of your children this environment can't be good for them.
          "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


          • I don't want to give advice, as I have never been in yiour situation I wouldn't want to give wrong advice and make things worse.
            However, I can tell you that if the time comes, it IS possible to leave a man like this.

            I know this from my mother. Although I am too young to remember I know that she suffered a violent, controlled and desperate relationship.
            She was with this partner for years, afraid to leave for what he would do to her children, or her parents (he threatened to petrol bomb their house).
            What I do know is that after years of violence she found from somewhere the courage to leave him.
            I don't know the details - I don't want to know. She's a tall woman, and was 7st by the time she left him from not eating (although now she's a health 12st!).

            I understand your relationship isn't violent like this. But the message I am trying to send is that it IS possible, when you find the strength, to move on and do what is best for you.
            I'm sure you are a strong and capable woman and I hope things work out. The first step was speaking to a therapist - so KEEP ON STEPPING!


            • Imcarter, I am so sorry to hear this and welcome to the Forum.

              You know, I think emotional abuse is the worst abuse. Once upon a time, you were free to be who ever you wanted. You had friends and laughed and you were intelligent and worked and enjoyed life.... The truth is that once, has been deliberately manipulated, for self gain of someone else and the truth is , that once is only yet around the corner.

              It's like riding your bike, you never forget how to do it.

              The problem is, parts of you start believing you really have done something wrong and it's your fault. Parts of you feel that if you leave, you've failed a second time in marriage and parts of you is totally lost, can't totally remember who you were before hand as you tend to a house, children and that's all. Nothing else, you forget how beautiful you are inside and out.

              Then one day, as your therapist knows, you'll will start to really despise him and you'll start to remember who you are, what you want out of life and you'll start to realise that it's actually him, not you.

              You'll realise you didn't fail and you will talk.. You've started, 1) with a therapist and 2) here

              And, all of a sudden people will be right there for you giving suggestions of help and you will be strong enough to walk.

              You have to get to that stage first unfortunately because once you do there will be no stopping you, you truly will realise all your worth and you truly will realise you deserve better.

              When you get to that stage, don't be frightened to shout it to everyone, including your family. People are not stupid, they can see mysery honestly they can and they will bend backwards in support.

              How do I know? You just told my story ...............

              Keep writing here hun.

              I want you to know, I am on my way to being finally successful in my business, I am engaged to be married to a beautiful man and I love myself, like I used to.

              All it took was to realise what I was worth, who I was before hand and the whole thought pattern changed, so did I and so will you.

              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!



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