[wisdomseeker]

Hi,

This is my first time posting my story online looking for support. Thank you for your time reading this and any insights you may provide.

Ten months ago my husband of 9 years left me and our 2 young children (at the time 2 1/2 and 4). This was a total shock to me, I was blindsided. Six days after our 9th wedding anniversary he told me he was unhappy and thinking of asking his sister if he could stay with her for a while. We had been having a tough year financially and struggling through some transition, but I believed that we were happily married. In fact, I had gotten us a hotel room for our anniversary and we had a wonderful night "off" from the kids. We had what I thought was a pretty special, happy relationship in general.

Anyway, this story is too long to tell it all here, so I will do my best with the basics.

I will say though that I immediately went into action to try to entice him back to me. He had complained about me not being affectionate enough in the months prior to this, but our sex life was active and I never denied him intimacy.

Well, 2 weeks later I discovered very inappropriate messages between him and his high-school sweetheart from 17 years ago. They had been meeting in person as well as daily contact via phone, text and facebook. He left the house that night. He had no remorse.

For the following 3 months I continued to do my best to entice him back. Aside from a few fits I threw about the affair, I chose mostly to ignore it and do my best to woo him back, including seducing him any chance I got. I began to pull my life together as much as possible in order to support myself and our children. I hadn't been working at a full time job when he left, so I went out and got one and child care.

He continued to stay at his sister's for free, but his income was still required to support our home. He was spending money like it was water, and I ended up pawning enough jewelry to pay rent one month and asking my parents for money the next.

So after warning him as such, eventually I had no choice but to move back home with my parents, 500 miles away. He did not put up a fight. At one point early on he even had said "You know your parents will take you in..."

For 2-3 months after we moved he barely tried to contact the kids, but we called every night at bedtime. He did not provide any money for child support.

I filed for divorce in hopes to be able to retrieve some child support. Two days before our first meeting with a judge he asked me what our hopes of getting back together were.

It has now been 3 months since that. He is in much better communication with the kids and they have been to visit him twice for 7-9 days. But he has only provided a small fraction of what the court has ordered as child support. He claims to want our family back together, but I know that he is still in daily communication with his "girlfriend." He is all talk and NO action.

I have people who say "Oh, I can relate" or "I know how you feel", but they have not actually/literally experienced anything like this. I do not know anyone personally who has been through this. I can't even believe that this is happening to me. Is there anyone who can really relate to this? I want to hear from someone who has been through this... Please.

Thank you.

[acerousme]

Okay so this isnt my place to actually give advice, because I have never been in your shoes, but I wanted to let you know that coming here to vent was definitely a right move. And for him to put you and the children through that was horrible of him. Whatever his reasons were, you NOR the children deserve that sort of treatment. And I am quite sorry for what you had to endure.

If he's only providing a small fraction of the child support, I say back to court. He has responsibilities. (My dad didn't pay his support for us...and it hurt us kids).

Again, I am so sorry sweetheart! xx

[Ashlee T.]

There have actually been lots of women come here and post similar stories. Do a quick search for "husband left me and our children" and you'll unfortunately find many of them. I'm not sure how many of those gals stuck around WH, but hopefully some of them did and can speak up to your story.

I've also never been in your shoes....but know enough to know that what you're going through is horrible. I will say that when I read the title of your thread my first thoughts were "10 months ago he left her.....and she's still moving along...she's going to be just fine". I know you feel like a wreck at times...a basket case. But you must also remind yourself how strong you truly are.

I know you've got kids...and I know it's easy to fall back into "well he's their father and they deserve to have their father in their life" as an excuse to get back together with him. Please don't let yourself go there. Your kids deserve better than to see you with someone you cannot trust, whom doesn't respect you, etc. It's time to give up any backtracking and begin to heal.

Welcome to WH. I think you'll like it here.

[wisdomseeker]

Thank you, Ladies!

I know, sadly, that there are* many other women out there who share a story like mine. I just don't any. However, thank you, it is good to hear from grown children who have been through this as well as other strong women.

I should say that I am moving forward through the legal portion of the divorce and getting child support. It takes a while... Also, I should say that I have incredible parents and wonderfully supportive friends. I could be in a much worse situation. I am ultra-blessed despite the horror of my marriage.

I have become much healthier since moving back with my parents. I have* started a new life and I am happy with so much of it. I have been dating a man very regularly who is totally aware of my situation and very supportive. However, all of that does lend to my feelings of guilt.

My (ex) husband knows how to play me and what to say to make ME actually feel bad for HIM.

In general I feel like I need the support to realize I am doing the right things, especially by my children. And as I said earlier would so love to hear from women who have walked this path before me.

Thanks again :-)

[stariana]

Hi Wisdomseeker : ) I am divorced and had to fight my ex for the support..... only difference is he left me for his "other" indulgence which was drugs, not a woman. Speaking from experience, you ARE doing the right thing. You and your children deserve to have the freedom to be happy. Don't waste precious moments with your babies worrying. They grow up too fast. Enjoy every minute of your day, knowing as they grow up, they'll know that their mom is there for them, no matter what. And never hesitate to go back to court to get the money they deserve. That' why the law is there - for your children. You didn't choose this, so have no regrets for the actions you've been forced to take. Live Well, Laugh Often, LOVE MUCH!!!

[Hugo-B]

You don't see someone's true colors until you've seen them struggle in the face of adversity. The easiest thing to do when times get hard is turn your back on the problem and let someone else struggle to pick up the pieces, alone.

Whilst leaving your wife is not ideal, it isn't against the Law and unfortunately we live in a throw away society where idiotic celebrities like J-Lo routinely have two, three, or even four husbands in a lifetime (or career) and people come to accept it as 'the norm', relationships and marriages break up every day, that's life, it's unfortunate, but it's life, and it wont change any time soon.

Leaving your wife AND abandoning your children are two completely different things altogether. Don't get me wrong, if a couple are at each others throats and they have children I'd be the first to say they should live separately; but moving out, then leaving your wife and your children, then shirking your responsibilities as a father and neglecting to provide any financial support is morally repugnant and quite frankly unforgivable as far as I'm concerned.

If he has no moral compunction about not seeing his children and leaving you to pawn your jewelry to keep a roof over the children's heads whilst he's ****ing away money on his face-book sweetheart I wouldn't expect too much loyalty from him in the future if you decide to take him back. He also shouldn't have just assumed that your parents could pick up the slack.

I'd bet that by the time he found himself in court his affair had fizzled out and he finally realized the exact cost of the mistake he had just made and he thought trying to win you back was the most beneficial thing to do, for HIM. And this still hasn't prompted him to start paying what he owes to support his children.

Don't get me wrong, there is a clear distinction between someone who suffers severe financial hardship as a result of this recession or whatever and has to move back to their parents to avoid eviction or whatever but it sounds like (and correct me if I'm wrong) this guy is more than happy to let other people clean up after him.

You deserve better and your children deserve a male role more who can offer more stability and display a much higher level of integrity. He is the children's biological father so has obvious legal entitlements which you cannot and should not deprive him of, but cutting off financial and paternal support to his kids is unforgivable. Start building a new life without him; lower your expectations of him accordingly, and make him jump through hoops for anything he asks you for from now on. I'd try and find a good no win no fee lawyer too, to chase those back dated child support payments...

Good luck with the new boyfriend x

[Hugo-B]

AND, if you're ever in doubt, just remember: words lie and actions don't. Just your husband/ex husband whatever by his actions, not by his words. Whenever he promises something just say 'come back to me when you've done it or are here to it'. You want demonstrations from now on, not worthless promises and ********.

It's that simple, before and after each interaction with him just ignore his words and ask yourself one simple question: what are his actions telling me?

If you choose to ignore everything else I've written then you'll do just fine if you go ahead and implement that.