Hi all
I have been wondering quite a lot during the past year... About life and where am I headed. Don't know if this is making any sense. But hey, life doesn't.
Not sure where to start. So I'll just start a couple of months ago....
Where I realized that I am the giver and hubby oh boy the taker... I would work 18 hours a day (no lies) and when telling him that I'm an my way home, get asked to buy take away at 24 hour mc Donald's en route home....
October last year I discovered that hubby was doing porn. Yes, I know that some might say that it's because of the ludicrous hours that I work. But, 1. Those are not my standard hours and 2. Intimacy is good. I get all creative with locations and champagne and oils etc etc.... He couldnt really give me an explAnation, just that it has always been A 'problem' for him. Now I am abviously not male cant not relate to naked ladies...
So silly me went and looked at all the sites that he did and all the pics.
Being blessed with a graphical brain, in hindsight I should nt have done that as the pics are engrained in my minds eye... But, so we learn
The reason why I checked can't be explained, just had this 'nagging' feeling that I must check his history on desktop.
Last year August my sister told me something that crashed my world... My husband gave her a phone (his old one) and in there was Erotica, but not only that... Rape scenes... You know when you block something out - well, this was one of them.... It kept on bothering me, but I didnt say or do anything because I trust my husband and I am good enough and he will not do something like that....
A couple of years ago when then the chat sites on cell phones were introduced, he was on his phone quite a lot on mixit with younger girls. Me being naive (still dont) realize what happened. All I know is that it bothered me and that I felt very uncomfortable. Gut feeling?
Anyhow, that's bygones..., I think. When I discovered porn, I was shocked to the core. Now, still. Thinking about it makes me tremble, not anger.... It's that feeling of absolute disbelief....
I feel as if I am at a cross road in my life... Due to a number of reasons, the latest was my husband slapping me hard that i literally saw stars...
Will post some more later....
I have been wondering quite a lot during the past year... About life and where am I headed. Don't know if this is making any sense. But hey, life doesn't.
Not sure where to start. So I'll just start a couple of months ago....
Where I realized that I am the giver and hubby oh boy the taker... I would work 18 hours a day (no lies) and when telling him that I'm an my way home, get asked to buy take away at 24 hour mc Donald's en route home....
October last year I discovered that hubby was doing porn. Yes, I know that some might say that it's because of the ludicrous hours that I work. But, 1. Those are not my standard hours and 2. Intimacy is good. I get all creative with locations and champagne and oils etc etc.... He couldnt really give me an explAnation, just that it has always been A 'problem' for him. Now I am abviously not male cant not relate to naked ladies...
So silly me went and looked at all the sites that he did and all the pics.
Being blessed with a graphical brain, in hindsight I should nt have done that as the pics are engrained in my minds eye... But, so we learn
The reason why I checked can't be explained, just had this 'nagging' feeling that I must check his history on desktop.
Last year August my sister told me something that crashed my world... My husband gave her a phone (his old one) and in there was Erotica, but not only that... Rape scenes... You know when you block something out - well, this was one of them.... It kept on bothering me, but I didnt say or do anything because I trust my husband and I am good enough and he will not do something like that....
A couple of years ago when then the chat sites on cell phones were introduced, he was on his phone quite a lot on mixit with younger girls. Me being naive (still dont) realize what happened. All I know is that it bothered me and that I felt very uncomfortable. Gut feeling?
Anyhow, that's bygones..., I think. When I discovered porn, I was shocked to the core. Now, still. Thinking about it makes me tremble, not anger.... It's that feeling of absolute disbelief....
I feel as if I am at a cross road in my life... Due to a number of reasons, the latest was my husband slapping me hard that i literally saw stars...
Will post some more later....
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