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Husband left me for another woman

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  • Husband left me for another woman

    Its been a few months now and I just can't seem to snap out of the pain.

    I guess it doesn't help that I must see and talk to him regarding our 3 yr old daughter.

    The long story short is this, I guessed he was having an affair. He admitted to the emotional connection with his coworker and some kisses. I was devistated but realize what an affair is - a symptom of something deeper wrong in the marriage.

    About 2 years into our marriage, one year ago, I too had one. It was simalar in that it was a coworker. I'm not making excuses for myself but my husband is extremely introverted. All men are it seems but he is an extreem case.

    He figured out my affair and confronted me in such a way that changed my life forever. He sat me on his lap one night and apologized for being so emotionally absent and vacant and told me he knew I had someone else. He told me to come back to him and we would never speak of it all again. I was so happy, this was my dream come true, all along I did not really want this other man, the attention and human connection was my desire, so I dropped the other guy instantly. I had my every desire. My husband knew, loved me anyway and seemed to be back in our marriage. But the details arose. Without us seeking them.

    My affair was a coworker. Him and I were not supposed to be messing around. It was agains company policy. Someone reported it and there was an investigation. He got fired. Blamed me and my husband. It was ugly and all the details of the affair came out. I watched this break my husbands heart. But his love for me was already transforming me. So I did all the things a person who regrets does. I opened all my areas of privacy to him, let him in my phone, my purse, my car, begged him to check up on me anytime he would like. I started counseling. That is where I learned the nature of my mistakes.

    I suffer from severe anxiety (which we knew already, but couldn't trace an origin). Anyway in counseling I learned that I have PTSD from a large amount of childhood and adulthood sexual abuse. I have a sexual addiction and an anger problem. So off I went, heavy and deep into my demons, to confront, face down and demolish in the name of my marriage. Anyone who has done this understands it's not something one does easily or even fully desires to do. But I did. I wanted change. I wanted to be a new woman to the husband I felt deserved a better wife. I wanted to give my daughter things not given to me. I have been on this path for a year now. Fighting tooth and nail for real and true change within when I realize my teammate doesn't seem so interested anymore.

    When I notice that same distance we had so much of before my affair comming back. So after admitting to this emotional affair with a few kisses with his coworker. He decides to fight for us and stop talking to her. I was uneasy about how this was going to happen given that they work together and I intricately understand the addictive nature of affairs and cheating.

    Whatever, after much sorrow, anger, rage, grief, and pain I go for it. Stand next to my man while he sorts his issues out. That's what was done for me. It's the least I can do for him now. Bu something is different. He's not open like I was. He's not acting like he's clean of secrets. In fact we were closer, he was nicer after my affair.

    So I check the phonebill and sure enough, he never ended anything with the other woman. I watch him keep lying to me. In extravagant ways. Not simple coverup stories omitteing the truth. No, he goes to great lengths and details with his lies. I called him out on this. He swears he's trying to end it. We go to counseling.

    Me and the counselor break it down for him that if he in fact wants his marriage he will need to find a different job. Working with her will not allow him and I a chance to reconcile. He was against it but went with it. Since that day and for 2 months after he continued to get busted in lies. I never busted him with her but he was not honest with me about his whereabouts. And in a blatant obvious way. The lies and blatant disregard for me kind of made me blind with rage a few times and I threw things at him and hit him. I've never been the abuser before.

    Upon suggestion of my counselor we decide to separate for 2 months in order to ultimately reconcile. He went to stay with his family and I with our daughter. The idea was to stay honest and loyal while apart. After all he supposedly was not seeing the other woman anymore. I mean he quit his job for he sake of his family. He got another but our family was now suffering financially for his indiscretions. I honestly couldn't see him making the decision to continue with this woman that supposedly meant nothing to him. A week after he was out, I ran into him driving to meet up for him to spend time with our daughter and he didn't see me seeing him on his new secret phone.

    I confronted him about what I saw and he denied and lied. I still couldn't grasp that he would go back to a woman he went as far as quitting his job to get away from. He kept on being weird and closed off and increasingly mean and disrespectful towards me whenever we got together for visitation. I knew he was still lying. And I tried to swallow it. I felt I had to. After all I'm scum too right. And ultimately want my family back together. But the lies in combination with the disrespect was intolerable. So I followed him and sure enough he lives with her. I confronted him.

    He of course says they're not intimate. Just roommates. Lol. She's helping him in his time of need because he had nowhere else to go. The pain of all this rejection, the lies and betrayal, the mind games, all o this has stirred up my own insanity to a point that I don't know how to recover. People say time heals. Time will make me better but it's not happening that way for me.

    For me, I'm sinking more each day. My addictions are all calling to me. My sorrow is so consuming I can barely care for my daughter. My marriage is obviously over. I've been replaced but it all happened while I was trying to get better. Trying to become someone worth loving. Why didn't he just let me go after what I did a year ago. Is this his revenge. He is extremely spiteful. I can't afford the counselor anymore but feel so lost I need it more then ever. Besides we weren't done a the point I had to stop. We had just got into the real bad stuff.

    Now I'm here, wounds all open. Scared of what's becoming of me right now. All my old feelings of self loathing are back stronger then ever. And I'm so angry I have moments of pure rage. I miss him. I love him. I need help.
    Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 07-13-2012, 02:56 PM. Reason: paragraphing for readers.

  • don't ever give up on yourself. your daughter deserves the "whole" you. if you were on the road to self-recovery, you were doing that for you. keep doing it. you are worth it. everything else will work out how it's supposed to. your daughter should be your focus, and she should be the drive behind your strength to carry on and become the mom you always wanted to be to her, with or without a man by your side.
    just breathe . . .


    • Oh, I'm so sorry you're facing this situation with your husband. It's evident you've been trying to do everything you can to save this marriage and rebuild trust after your own affair. But, I know it's hard if your husband doesn't share the same committment. However, I definitely think you're on the right track by pursuing counseling. It sounds like that's been very helpful in working through the issues from your past and how that's affected your present relationships. But, I wondered, has your husband ever gone to counseling with you or on his own? I'm not sure if he'd be willing to do that at this point, but it sounds like that could be key to restoring your marriage. Of course, as you mentioned, counseling can definitely get expensive after a while and I hope you're able to find a way to continue this. If you're interested, I do know from my time working at Focus on the Family that they have counselors you can speak to for free over the phone (removed phone number - Google it!). So, just something to keep in mind if you feel you need someone to talk with. Lastly, if you're a reader, I've heard of a book that might be helpful to you. It's called Love Must Be Tough (maybe you're heard of it?). But, it has some good input on what to do if a spouse doesn't seem to want to give up their affair-with the goal in mind of restoring the relationship. Maybe you could find it online or at the library? Well, please know that I'm praying for you. Don't give up hope and surround yourself with lots of support!
      Last edited by KMonte85; 07-13-2012, 01:41 PM.


      • Anyone who has suffered the childhood trauma you have and is proactively seeking help to work through issues imposed on them by their abusers is worthy of commendation in my opinion.

        I would concentrate on being a great mom and sticking to your therapy schedule. I am sorry to hear about the breakdown of your marriage, but whether you and your husband work things out or not your life, and your child life will be exponentially better for the work you are doing on overcoming 'the demons'.

        Good luck, you're on the right path. Just keep truckin' x
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


        • I know it's easier said than done. But, focus for now on you and your daughter.

          You were seeking counselling for him ultimately and you delved deep down inside yourself and had a reason, which gave you a goal but there were/are obsticles in the way that have and are preventing you from reaching that goal.

          If you concentrate on you, focus on you, that, that goal was yours, you owned it, it belonged to you, for you not him and re-visit the words spoken to you when you could afford counselling and keep going for it, strive for it, make it your biggest challenge yet, for you then it will be worth it trust me.

          If your husband felt he was there for you over this a year ago but has strayed and doesn't care, maybe he really was hurt inside more than you know and never showed it, maybe he still is. And, I don't think it's revenge rather, a pfttttt. I think a man is no different than a woman, when one partner cheats, they wonder if they are good enough or not and sometimes, they seek someone else to prove that they are, for their own self esteme.

          Work on you. Time is on your side, you do not know that if you come out of this so much stronger and better and disolve some of those demons that he won't realise what he had and where you are now in life, and that it truly was a mistake and you both can forgive each other and move on.

          If you go backwards there is no chance with this person as you can not possibly correct the mistake, life is about learning sweet stop beating yourself up.

          Anger is a waste of energy don't allow your daughter to see this, she needs you and she needs an up-bringing that lets her become who she wants to be in this world as well.



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