[jemmlove12]

Hi All,

I found this forum online and noticed how much you all help each other out, it was refreshing and my palms are clammy just typing this coz I need help big time.

Ok so basically I turn 22 this week, my fiance is 27, we have been together since I was 17 years old and he proposed to me on my 21st birthday. We still both live with our parents however have put in an offer on a flat and are in the process oh buying it. Our relationship has never been easy sailing, we've broke up a couple of times and before he proposed I was ready for ending it then. Minus the break up though we have a relationship most people would crave, we have our own lives, we do our own thing and don't stop or hold back one another. When he proposed it was with all my family and his at my 21st party and I was so swept up in this perfect little bubble I said yes. I genuine thought I was happy with this, I went out instantly to plan our engagement party and wedding! Everyone was so happy and everything is so perfect.

Now that we are 1 month away from moving out together I am freaking the **************************************** out! This is a big deal, this is a mortgage, this like you "seals the deal" and I am absolutely terrified of this.

We hardly have sex anymore, not because of him, no he wants it a lot but me. Whenever he touches me my body does not respond, I actually cringe. I feel like he is my best friend but not my partner, during this whole mortgage process I've had to deal absolutely everything and it is my money going down on the deposit. I think I've felt like this with him for a long time in fact I know I have.

Now that we are going to be doing this I am starting to question everything. The fact I've not been along since I was 17, what if I regret it 5 years down the line, I've never really been myself without him etc etc.

I am struggling to write down exactly how it is but long story short:

He & our relationship on paper is perfect but it's not satisfying me in the slightest.
People have said that I ought to suck it up, and I'm just frightened.
I've felt this way before, spoke to him, but things don't change for me.
is sex really important in a relationship? Am I expecting too much?
Am I being a drama queen??

[Claret]

If you weren't purchasing a home together and were to still remain with your parents for a while, would you still be with him? If the answer is yes, then I'd suggest you are having panic attacks because of the permanency of what you are doing. You are making a committment not just to each other, but to a bank and usually for at least 25 years. It's natural to be frightened of moving away from home where it is probably very comfortable and inexpensive into a situation in which you will suddenly be the ADULT. It'll be up to the two of you to cook, clean, pay bills (on time), purchase furnishing and (agree with each other as to style and colour), planning down the road for the next big step -- children.

If, however, you say that you are not sure whether or not you'd still be with him, if you feel you are looking further afield and are truly discontented with your current relationship, then I'd say cut the guy loose now. There is no shame in taking a look at how you feel, what you feel and discussing any doubts you have. He may have doubts also and be afraid to bring them up with you. If he has doubts but just doesn't want to disappointment you, then find out now before you finalize the purchase.

Take your time, it's a big investment (you and he as a couple).

[Hugo-B]

At the very least make sure the money you pay on the deposit comes off of your half of the mortgage. Make sure the conveyancing solicitors draw the papers up that way.

If you buy the flat and split up yo can just rent it out, don't worry too much about that side of things, hopefully the numbers stack you can't rent it out and not have to make up a shortfall. even if there is a small shortfall you'll have to make it up between the two of you so it wont be too bad.

^what Claret says.

[jemmlove12]

I am unsure Claret, I think I may have been continuing the relationship before the whole flat thing purely because it is easy and convenient and the thought of breaking up with him especially because of the engagement seemed like a nightmare.
I know I have to speak to him, I don't want to break his heart. he is currently working away and when he texts me "i miss you" i reply equally but I don't miss him, not one bit.

With the current market I'd rather not buy the house and commit to such a commitment than do it, and just hope I will be ok when I move in.

God, I feel sick.

[Claret]

I am unsure Claret, I think I may have been continuing the relationship before the whole flat thing purely because it is easy and convenient and the thought of breaking up with him especially because of the engagement seemed like a nightmare.
.,..
God, I feel sick.

Easy and convenient can become a lot of work, horrid, heartbreaking and devastating to both of you further down the road. I'd talke the stance that you could remain engaged for now, but I'd certainly call off purchasing the flat. It's easier and would consume less of both of you now than later.

I know I have to speak to him, I don't want to break his heart. he is currently working away and when he texts me "i miss you" i reply equally but I don't miss him, not one bit.

There is only one thing wrong with breaking his heart now, it's breaking his heart later when he has more money, time and emotions invested with you.

With the current market I'd rather not buy the house and commit to such a commitment than do it, and just hope I will be ok when I move in.

There will always be another house, flat or apartment, equally nice later on down the road. In fact, I would guarantee it. It's a huge committment. Look closely at it and determine whether or not it's rentable if you and he purchase it and then split up. The economy is such (I believe the UK is in a similar boat to the rest of the EU) that you may not be able to find a purchaser if you later determine you must sell. Mortgage rates are going up the the pool of purchasers with qualifying jobs is not getting any bigger. With lay-offs etc. it is indeed a buyers market right now, but who knows what it will be like in a few years.

Please, have an honest talk to him. Find out where he is. Find out whether you feel you can subjegate yourself and settle.

[DreamP346]

You really need to figure out you relationship before making a commitment, especially a financial one. It sounds like things were shaky to start off with. If he hadn't proposed, would you still be together? It also sounds like you are putting all the money into the flat? Is that true?

Here is what I would suggest. Hold off on buying the flat unless you can afford it by yourself. Move out and live on your own so you know what that is like. You can either buy or rent. Take the relationship slowly. You can stay engaged, but say its going to be a long engagement until you guys are better off financially. When you are ready, live together. Only after you feel comfortable with all of these, make the move towards financial committments and marriage.

Marriage is a financial committement. By buying the flat together, its the same as getting married. You are combinating your money. No longer will it be "yours" and "mine". Everything will be "ours". You have your whole life ahead of you to be together. Don't rush into it. Make sure you are ready for all the committements marriage requires.

Tell that to your boyfriend. Explain that you want to live a little and never regret being with him. You are very young and if you get married now, you will alway wonder what life would have been like living on your own, being young and single without mortgages and family. It may make you resent the marriage. Therefore, you want to take it slow.

[JanieMarie]

You've GOT to tell him how you feel. You can't live a double life. Sure, he will be hurt to find out that his feelings for you aren't totally reciprocated at the moment. But chances are he already senses something is wrong. He deserves to know the truth about your feelings, fears, concerns and reservations. If you are going to build a life together, start it out right with total honesty.