[kani]

I am really confused right now!!. I really don?t understand the need for men to watch PORN?

Before me and my husband got married I used to find PORN on his computer and he would always tell me, it's his boys and not him!!!

******ly I believed him every time until we lived together and I found more, and he knew he couldn't blame any one else. He apologised and promised to not do it again!!!!! I am not too snoopy but the times that I have checked I found stuff there. Over the 7 years we have been together I have caught him over 5 times already.

It hurt me soooo bad ever sense then I stared to feel different about my self I have developed insecurities and trust issues.

I really can say I have no problem with it if I knew about it, rather than hiding it and getting caught. But I have passed the stage of allowing porn and now I hate the thought of him finding other women desirable and not me.

Over the last few years I jumped from a size 8 to 12/14 and now I am pregnant. It really doesn?t help me feeling any more attractive to what my husband fell in love with.

Above all that I am very happy and content with him as a person, but I almost feel like there is a second person tapped behind his so called sweetness. I recognise him as a good man but his fantasy and my insecurities just can?t mix

He was supposed to be studding for a very important interview and here is what triggered the past!!!

At 3 in the morning I woke up to go and use the bathroom, and as I walked past him I saw him minimise the screen on the laptop looking ever so guilty. I knew something wasn?t right on the way back I made noise as if I have jumped on the bed and went back to sleep.

I slowly creped back to see what he was going to do and he opened the screen, where he had been looking at half naked women!!! I couldn?t bare it. I confronted him straight away. Yet he still lied to my face. He was looking at women dancing in youtube!!! I know the porn is extremely limited there but there is still enough images to excite a man.

Now here is the second problem I almost feel like he developed another desire that?s less provocative, but I still want to feel beautiful when he say I am.

I truly don?t feel it, see it and I think I have demolished my own self confidence by him watching porn to begin with!!!!


Please help and advise?it breaks my heart every time I think about not trusting him to do simple work on the lap top. Previously on the old laptop I blocked any sexual sites or even topics and I felt secured I knew there was no other way!!!!

I am not the possessive type and I don?t want to become one either?.Please somebody help me.

[Guest]

many people find my posts offensive on this topic - and many more disagree with me.

but if you're interested in anything i have to say on it, search the posts under my name. it's really all i've written about.

then if you have anything specific you want to discuss, post it & we'll go from there.

your reaction is very common. your feelings are justified. and there's hope for much better for you both.

[kani]

Lost in my husband's lies

Hi there,

thank you for your reply, I have check your profile and I know it's one of those things that men sometimes do, I still feel so awful it has been 5 days since I have spoken to my husband....I know I am pregnant and my hormones are all over the place, but my heart is still broken over the fact he can lie to me!!!!

I am aware that everything is going wrong around me and the stress level is rising for me....but I have been thinking weather or not to have the baby!!! (I know it's not nice thoughts) but I feel that we have just reached the end of the road. I guess I am just getting more angrier at him for not been honest to me...

He just doesn't get it...I want to hear his explanation but the truth and not the lies....well, what's my chances of him explaining to me the truth.


In fact I am starting to doubt his love for me!!! He knows I am carrying his child and yet he left me to burn inside. Pretending that everything is ok.

I really don't know what to do!!!!

[Guest]

chances are he doesn't either. not too many people recognize porn as the problem it really is.

it starts for must of us at such an early age - and sexual inquisitiveness is really natural, especially for young boys. often it has its hooks in pretty deep before we realize it even has hooks.

then there's the fact that men have a hard time relating to your reaction. it often has the same impact as cheating, for a woman. he probably can't understand that. it isn't cheating - and he can't understand why you'd be so upset. it is emotionless for him - no more meaningful that cutting the grass.

different men have varying levels of addiction, obviously. but keep in mind also that he may be extremely humiliated & embarassed. when my wife confronted me about this it took a long time before i could reveal it without wanting to melt into the floor. it's hard to explain how humiliating it is.

then, he also might not understand why he can't stop - if he can't. what was a youthful recreation turns into a habit quickly - then one day you realize you actually make time for it, you arrange your schedule so you can look at porn - it becomes more important than you meant it to. and you wonder why it's so important?

you're stressed, understandably. and i don't know your husband, or you - but the sole fact that he may be into porn does NOT mean he doesn't love you.

try - as much as you feel like a victim - try to be careful & realize he's ashamed. whether or not he should or if it's fair to you - rest assured he'll never be able to talk about it if he feels unsafe. it's just too disturbing. he's probably ashamed on his own - adding your response just confirms the very thing that porn tells him.

every man wants to know that he's got what it takes. he's good enough - for you, for work, on the football field, whatever.

if he never got that message (and it comes from our fathers), he'll feel inadequate - even subconsciously. porn gives without taking, seemingly. women with no needs (it takes strength to meet a need, and he doesn't think he has any), with no desires (same is tru), who ask nothing of him (if he thinks he doesn't have what it takes & they don't ask anything of him...) - but they appeal to his every desire.

then the chemicals that are present - endorphins that wash over his brain - it all comes together to make a very powerful agent. one that makes him feel better - it gives the semblance of intimacy, without requiring what real intimacy requires. it's the most viscious lie out there for men.

porn promises free intimacy - and there's no such thing. then, once he's bought the lie, he's left with a humiliating, degrading addiction that actually does the opposite of what it promises - it renders him less able to achieve real intimacy & pulls him farther away from you, the only one who can really provide the true intimacy he craves.

i know it hurts you - devestates you. but it truly is a sad place for a man to be.

i can almost guarantee you, w/out even knowing him, that he doesn't want it that way.

and if he felt inadequate before - now he's having a child. how much more will the allure of no-strings-intimacy draw him.

don't give up on him - or you. or your baby.

[ELENATION]

Thank You So Much!!

this message has been deleted

[sulli]

I am living proof that relationships/marriages do fall apart due to porn addicted men. Not only did he look at porn and maturbate all the time, he began looking at the teen age girls porn sites. It took me to a whole new level of disgust, mistrust, and a deep sadness. That the man I adored would have the desire to look at teen sites. When I confronted him, he only became defensive and said I thought he was a pervert. He didn't stop. And then one night he had interaction of some sort (only they know for sure what happened) with our 15 year old babysitter. Her parents found out and my ex had to go downtown and meet with a mediator at the police dept. No charges were brought against him because she admitted to making advances and said nothing happened. ?????? That was the beginning of the end for us. I suggested counseling, to no avail. He said porn was just a source of "stress relief". I went through all of the emotions that I have read from all of you ladies. I have no answers. I have been divorced for 5 years now. It took a long time to date again, and I definately have trust issues now. I am trying very hard not to sabatoge my current relationship with my mistrust. All I know is that all men masturbate and are going to use visuals to help them. I choose to rise above it and stay focused on my own path. Good luck and I am here if needed.

[Guest]

Somehow I got to this site looking for answers for my problem, my husband looks at porn and masturbates and since day one....we've been married 16 years, when I was slim and beautiful, now that I'm 45 and a little chubby, he is chubby too... he claims that he loves me and it has nothing to do with me and that he has had that problem since he was a teenager, anyway, when I read what you wrote, it just gave me some hope and I just want to tell you that I appreciate it so much, it has caused huge damage to our marriage throughout the years, insecurities for me, and I can go on and on.... I don't know if you are totally right or not, but it just makes sense to me, is it that I want it to make sense? I don't know, but I still appreciate it so very much. THanks.
Helen

you're so wlecome. what is it that makes sense to you but you're afraid might not be true?

the great thing is that, even though porn is becoming more widely accepted & celebrated, it's also being studied more readily & objectively. there is a growing response of literature out there that is revealing the truly toxic aspects of porn addiction & it's impact on relationships.