[goodwife78]

I met my husband 7 years ago and have been married for 5 years.

My kids were 11, 8 and 4. Everything was good at first.

About 3 years ago he started acting funny towards my kids. He would say that my kids were disrespectful because they half cleaned up whenever they cleaned.

Whenever they wanted to go somewhere he would say no because he said they didn't need to or they didn't clean up good enough.

My oldest daughter started ignoring him whenever he would yell at her about her chores. She never said anything back but she took her time about doing them. I talked to her several times about that but she would say, mommy the chores are never clean enough for him.

He has been providing for us since I lost my job years ago and everytime something is not cleaned the way he wants it, he says that my kids are being disrespectful and they shouldn't be because he pay all the bills. (I buy all their clothes and most of their shoes and the things they need for school).

He has older kids and they come over from time to time because they don't really like him. I treat his kids as if they were mine but I don't get the same in return.

My oldest daughter just left for college and I must say it was rough at home for her. He always had something to say (negative). Her boyfriend was not allowed to visist when she turned 18 because he said she shouldn't have one.

My daughters boyfriend father drove them to the prom but they were not allowed to pick her up from my house. My husband said he don't like her boyfriend because whenever my daughter is mad at him her boyfriend don't speak when he pick her up from school. (which was a problem as well). He said when she left for college she could not come back. She has been gone since August. I told him she was coming home for labor day and he sent me a text saying he guess she can stay at our home as long as she don't disrespect him.

The only time my daughter talked back was a couple of days after her 18th birthday when he ran up on me like he was about to hit me. She had a 3.9 GPA in highschool and is on a full scholarship. She was number 3 in her class, received several academic awards including the faculity cup and humanintarian award. He didn't even show up to her graduation because he said his car wouldn't start but when whe got home he left in that same car that would not start and did not say a word.

When she left for colleges she left her acceptance letters on her wall(22 of them) and her cords and honor ropes that she graduated with and her best defensive player plaque in soccer. He took her things off the wall and said she does not live here anymore. I was so crushed I moved into her room.

I'm proud of her for everything she has accomplished and I can't express my feelings around him or he will have something negative to say about her. When she got her scholarship money she bought shoes for my 15 and 11 year old. My husband was upset because he said she didn't have the decentcy pay one of the bills we are behind on because he took care of her. I told him he was crazy! She didn't owe him for anything.

Now is is going in on my 15 year old. She plays sports and attends a early college high school(heavy workload). Her room is a little messy at times and he is doing the same thing to her that he did to my oldest. She said some things about him on twitter(which he read from my ipod) and now he will not take her to school althought he works around the corner from her school. I have to drive 15 miles both ways everyday.

By the way, I was in school but not I'm trying to find work because he moved us into a house he could not afford and my vehicle is failing which he will not fix. All the bills are behind but he makes good money. He does not give me access to his money, he just calls me from work to pay couple of bills online. The money is not adding up.

This summer is said me and my oldest daughter were running up the utilities because we were home. I

don't like having sex with him and he accuses me for cheating and takes it anyway.

He always using the bible to make me feel guilty saying that I'm not being a good wife and that I only care about my kids and family.

He is not a father to my kids and I don't think he will ever be.

I have been planning to leave (which he is aware) and he says I'm using him because I haven't left yet and I'm only leaving because of my kids and God is not pleased with that.

By the way, I have no income, my kids father lost his job so he is not paying child support, He only gives me $40 for gas every two weeks. I have to depend on my family for gas money.

He keep saying that God is not blessing me with a job because I let my kids disrespect him and that I'm a direspectful wife because I don't let him talk to me any kind of way.

I want to leave but I feel sad about leaving because I feel like I'm suppose to stay for better or worse. I feel trapped!

He is always bringing up that the bible says you should only divorce if there is adultry. I don't know what to do.

I don't feel like the situation with my kids will get any better. When my 15 leaves for college, I fear my son will go through the same bs. I'm actively seeking working. I have been braiding hair to make ends meet something I hate doing. I try to make sure everything in the house is spotless including the basement because he checks whenever he comes home. I cook, wash his clothes, in the past couple of weeks, I stopped making him lunch and fixing is plate for dinner.

Now I'm a horrible wife that know how to raise her kids. I think I did pretty good for a person that had her first child at 16. This is his second marriage, which he is still paying the ex $400 a month because she took him for half of his pension when they divorced. Sorry yall, I know I have a lot to say.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi goodwife.

Do not allow this guy to brainwash you ok. A controlling person and I suspect he is also OCDC, will belittle, use tactics that makes the other person think they are in the wrong. I am pretty sure the Bible says, you don't Divorce full stop, having said that, if there is a God, he would not want someone to be tormented for life and would forgive.

You've already made your stance, you've told him you are leaving. He is paying $400 a month to his ex-wife, he's darned if he is going to support you and your kids, yes, your kids, that is how he is thinking. As, he is thinking this way, he all the way through, through bitterness and dis-belief in marriage, rather, women take it all, takes it out on you and your kids.

Contratulations on your daughters achievements and I suspect your other two children too.

Make sure you box those things up and get them out the house now, safe... They are treasured items and who knows what would happen to them, if by chance you left without being able to take things.

Not giving you money, sex, with-holding, is controlling and he's being emotionally abusive.

I understand you don't have any money, he still owes you as you are married, upon divorce.

I see two things. Fear of where to go, no income has kept you there. Yet, at the same time, your eldest has no home, no mum, he controls if and when she can return and has even gotten rid of her room, how do you think that makes her feels phsycologically? And, now the 16 year olds turn, to receive what you are receiving, emotional abuse . To me that's the worst kind. They need to believe in love, in marriage not reflect on what they have seen and let it taunt them through life, so the second thing I see , is how this is destroying your children.

Even if it's cleaning. Find some work, find someone who will take the three of you in for now and keep finding work to stand on your own two feet.

None of you deserve to be treated as if you are nothing, and be controlled because he has the income, or to be verbally and emotionally abused.

You felt he was going to hit you at one stage, you can bet that will occur when his blood boils way over the top.

Time to fast track in moving out of that situation for all of your sanity.

[Little]

Your kids sounds great. YOU sound great. Your husband ... sounds like a jerk. He's doesn't just dislike your kids, it sounds like he dislikes YOU and is actually controlling and at least emotionally abusive.

Don't assume that his emotional abuse won't escalate to physical. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the less powerful spouse leaves. Stop telling him you're leaving, or at least make it seem like you'll never get around to it. Don't tell him you're leaving until you're long gone.

But understand that you're doing yourself and your kids a FAVOR if you leave. You can't go back in time and fix your oldest daughter's adolescence, but you CAN keep the other two from having an abusive father figure during this important time. Kick him to the curb. You will likely be entitled to spousal support due to his having supported you financially, depending on what the rules are like in your state. You can apply for government support while you are trying to get a job too.

And you should completely ignore what he's saying about God punishing you. I'm not big on religion, but I just don't jive with the idea of a vengeful, punishing God. Put your faith in a benevolent deity if faith is what helps you through. God will reward you for caring for your children well now and in the future, just as you have in the past.

[Stillness]

Welcome, goodwife78. What do you mean he "takes sex anyway?" Is he forcing you? You say he ran up on you. Does he get physically violent or has it just been a threat?

I don't have a lot to add that the others haven't mentioned. Like them I feel that he's using fear, religion, and the Bible to control you. It has things to say about fathers not irritating their children and taking care of them well and very much to say about husbands treating their wives with tenderness. You may want to be careful trying to show him any of that because I really get the feeling that he might be a powder keg waiting to explode if you took the Bible and showed him where it might condemn things he's doing. If you want to know and you think you could show him without putting yourself in danger, let me know here or PM me and I can show you a few scriptures. Who knows, maybe he would listen and change.

What I will tell you for your own conscience is that it does not forbid separation or divorce for reasons other than adultery. I'm not encouraging you to do either of those things since if you do respect the Bible it does say that God doesn't like them under any circumstances and dissolution of marriage could be interfering with something you don't have a right to. Even if it's your marriage and it's unpleasant it's not to be treated lightly. He does allow divorce and separation though. Here's the law right from the mouth of Jesus:

"However, I say to you that everyone divorcing his wife, except on account of fornication, makes her a subject for adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." - Matthew 5:32

Is this the scripture he's using? Read it carefully. It's not the divorce that's the problem, it's the remarriage. So if you were to divorce and remarry then that would be wrong scripturally. (Take a look at 1 Corinthians 7:10, 11 that mentions separation but remaining unmarried as a command from the Lord too). That's no consolation if you'd like to find a new man. But if the situation is such that you've done all you reasonably can to make things work, but need to get away from him and you want to cut off ties legally, then you would not necessarily be in violation for leaving.

At the risk of agreeing with someone you've made out to be a very unpleasant individual, he is correct in my eyes if he and your kids just don't get along or they really are being disrespectful and you're taking their side against him. Children can get good grades and still be out of line and disobedient. But if it's gross non-support or abuse, I think that from a scriptural perspective and just a common sense point of view, you're well within your rights to get away.

I wish you well.

[goodwife78]

Wow! You have him picked out to the T! For so many years I have made excuses for his actions trying to convince myself and others that he acts the way he does because of his past. I feel like I have been protecting him instead of protecting my kids. You are right, he has always referred to my kids as "your kids". I was afraid to leave because of my income as well. After reading the comments and other stories related to mine, I no longer feel that I should stay in a marriage that is going nowhere and continue to feel like a caged bird. My faith is being tested and it is well overdue that I step out on faith. Thanks for commenting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[goodwife78]

That makes sense not to keep telling him I'm leaving. I have told him twice and each time I'm being accused of another man. It's amazing how I can post something online and I get just what I need to keeping moving on. I must say I have been blessed. Thanks so much for your comments as well!

[goodwife78]

I used to point out things in the bible since he always try to use the bible although he is not walking the way he is supposed to but he would just find a way around them so I gave up on that. I used to think my kids were bad kids because of the cleaning situation and I kept a lot of things from them. My oldest never went to a high school football game because her room was never cleaned enough. She received a scholarship to go to Canada in the 8th grade and I almost made her stay home because my husband said she didn't deserve to go ($3000 all expense paid trip). A couple of months ago he said he believed I paid for the trip and lied about her teachers paying. I teach my kids that it's more to life than just getting good grades. They have to be good stewards and respect all adults regardless of what happens. I let my 15 year old go to the football game last week and my husband said I was not a good mother because I'm letting my children run the streets. By the way, he did not raise his kids and neither did he try to get joint custody. He has four kids, 20,21,21,23. Only the 20 year old is in college, and all of them smoke weed and party. His excuse is that the mother didn't raise them right. He's the problem and not my kids. Thanks for the scriptures because I was thinking back to why this marriage went wrong. When I met him he was married, had a girlfriend on the side and moving into his own apartment. I convinced myself that I was not doing anything wrong although his was still married. We moved in together nine months before he divorced because he could not afford to pay for his apartment and other bills due to the separation of the ex. That was a mistake. I didn't get to know him first. Thanks again for your comments and I know what I need to do and what I have to do to get the peace God promised me.