[AMonster]

I have come here in complete desperation. I don't have a clue on what to do, but I was hoping someone would have some advice or stories to share with me.

My husband and I are both young. We've been together five years. We met when I was a teenager, and I fell in love with him the day I met him. He left such an impression on me. I just knew I would marry him one day. He wasn't the "jock" at all. He was the opposite. The biggest nerd you would ever meet in your life. Nonetheless, the first couple of years of our relationship were not like a normal relationship. He was in college, depressed, and almost killing himself due to his mother literally going crazy due to her manic depression, and his father divorcing her. I helped him through that. He blew me off. I saw him rarely through that time. He never called me on my birthday. He never got me a gift for holidays when I spent a lot on his. My stupid teenage mind decided he was still worth it. However, I did finally get fed up. I told him how ridiculous that "relationship" was. He agreed, and swore he would try and be better. He did.

Fast forward to him leaving school. We were spending a lot of time together, and really fell in love. He was acting much better. We helped each other with our mental issues (my severe OCD, his depression). We had never found someone better for each other! Then, we made he decision to have sex. We were both virgins. We fell even more in love after that! A few months later, we discovered that our birth control had failed, and I was pregnant! The first few months were very rough, but we fell in love with the idea, and our unborn child. The only problem? He had enlisted in the Navy right as he withdrew from college, and was scheduled to leave towards the end of the pregnancy.

As the date approached, we prepared ourselves the best we could. He had proposed to me with a beautiful ring a few months before. then he gave me his laptop since he was leaving and I could make use of it. I looked through it, and to my complete shock, there were over 300 porn videos downloaded, and hundreds of sites! I was SO heartbroken! I talked to him, and he said he left it on there for me to see. Because he was addicted and needed help, but was afraid to ask me directly. I didn't know what to do. Part of me didn't want to have anything to do with him, but another part wanted to help him, like I always had. He was crying his eyes out begging for me to help him. I agreed. I assumed him not having any access to porn through basic training would nip it. I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter the day he left. Our hearts broke because it was obvious he would miss the birth. But we pulled through.

He got to meet our beautiful daughter the day of his graduation. She was a week old, and we got nine hours together as a happy, completed family. We discussed when we could get married,p for the hundredth time, because the Navy kept giving us different times. We wanted to be together in the same house to raise our sweet girl.

That night, he was shipped across the country. As heartbreaking as it was, I was so proud. I had never been so proud of anyone before. We were then apart for basically a year (with about two weeks of him being home). We skyped almost every night. It was so hard, him having to watch our daughter grow without him.

One day I logged onto his email to use it for an account. Then I saw an email thanking him for his sexy girl webcam subscription. I immediately took my ring off and broke one of the many professional pictures of us that he had paid for. I was furious, and hurt. I am not a believer of porn in a relationship, obviously. I find it incredibly disrespectful. The pictures and videos I sent him weren't enough? He assured me that they were, it was just his addiction spiking up again. He was going through the third hardest school in the country. I gave him a little credit. I put my ring back on.

To save some space, what happened above, happened two more times in that year. Then, we had our beautiful wedding. We were so happy, and we moved into our own home as a family! We were thrilled, and I thought "perfect! I'm here! Now he won't have an excuse to watch porn!" And I was again, proven wrong. I had been sleeping downstairs on our couch because we had just found out we were expecting once more, and my back pain was terrible. He slept upstairs. I didn't really think much about it. We were having sex a lot! About two months after moving in, I went upstairs in our room to try and find some soap, when I found our box of condoms empty, and used in the trash can by the bed. I know for a fact he hasn't ever cheated on me physically, so I knew it was from masturbating. I also found a shirt by the side of the bed that had obviously been used as well. I cried my eyes out. As soon as he got home, I yelled at him. I had NEVER felt so disrespected and betrayed. I saw on his iPhone he had watched porn. He even admitted to it. In my extreme anger, I told him I wanted a divorce. He broke down and apologized. He then, in front of me, called a therapist who specialized in porn addictions. He scheduled an appointment. He told me that he could not fight the addiction himself, and that he really wanted therapy. We went together. It was nice to see him finally doing something about it. I enjoyed hearing his side of the story, but was shocked that he had been addicted since 10 years old (he's 23). I felt like the ideas the therapist gave us would help.

Then after a couple more months, I was getting mind of suspicious. We got a new bed so we could sleep together again, but he wasn't interested in sex that much. One night, he said he wanted to take a shower before bed. I went in there once he was in, to wash my hands when I saw him masturbating with his phone in the shower. I called him out on it, and he freaked out. I left and once he finished his shower came out, took my hands, and calmly said "I'm relapsing, I'm ashamed to say it. But the therapist told me to expect it." Him saying that did nothing for the extreme hurt I felt. I know I overreacted, because I'm sure the therapist did say that having some relapses were normal, just like with any addiction.

Now, that was a month ago. Since then, I've been put on bed rest for preterm labor. I'm taking care of our 18 month old, on strict bed rest, alone with no help except n the weekends (he works on base all day and gets home when she's asleep). Needless to say, I'm going crazy. Last night, all of the pain got to me. I took off my rings, and handed them to him. I simply said "I don't think I can do this anymore" and he didn't fight me. I was crying, and he asked me to tell him everything that has led me to that. I told him the porn, the way he stares at every other woman when we're out, the way he would rather play a game on his iPhone than spend time with our daughter, the way he's so insensitive and acts like I'm annoying him when I go into preterm labor and have to go to labor and delivery, the way that no matter how hard I try to make myself beautiful, he never makes a single comment, and continues to stare at other women.

To be completely honest, I have never hated myself more than I do now. I can barely eat. I've gained 4 pounds, and I'm six months pregnant. I hate to even look at myself in the mirror. My daughters are my world, and I don't want them to have to ever feel like they have to fight for their father's attention. Because our 18 month old does right now. It breaks my heart.

I told him all of this. He said that he needs to grow up. That its his fault. That he has been trying to live three loves- his career as a Sailor, a teenager, and a father. Which is very true. He told me he is willing to do some marriage counseling that his therapist offers. I just don't know if I can get over this hurt. I'm not wearing my rings right now, and I don't know if I can put them back on. My heart is broken, and I see it all as my fault. That somehow, I am not good enough for him, and am a failure as a wife and mother. I have tried so hard. He even admitted to me that every girl he sees is not as good as the porn girls, and he has no idea why he feels that way. I just don't know if I have it in me to stay with him through this. The therapist said that it could take the thirteen years he's been watching it, to reverse the addiction, and I don't know if I can wait that long for a wholesome, romantic, loving relationship and family. I don't want my children to have to witness any of this, like I saw with my parents (my father is an alcoholic).

Does anyone have any advice or stories to share? Like I said, I'm completely desperate. I don't usually post on forums, but I have nowhere else to turn to. Thank you in advance.

[Hugo-B]

To be honest, I don't think weighing up the pros and cons of a divorce should be on the top of your list of priorities right now.

Your husband has serious issues, which he needs to want to repair - more on that later.

You are pregnant and have an 18 month year old child which needs you. You, your health and your daughter must be top of your list of priorities right now. Since your husband is in the Navy he will spend - irrespective of the strength of your relationship - a lot of time away from you both, this means that a large portion of the parenting is down to you anyway.

I have OCD like you do and I know how distracting it can be when your schedule is interfered with, and how difficult it is to focus on something when there is something else, unresolved playing on your mind. The level of mental stress you're under right now could even harm your baby, so please try and relax and concentrate on the good things. You haven't complained about money, so I'm guessing you at least you have financial security, not to mention one child already which is healthy, try and bring the other one into the world in one piece. As easy as it is to say, worrying wont solve anything. I'm a hypocrite since I've spent the week stressing (and not much else) about a business related (potential legal) issue, and I know how difficult it can get once you rile yourself up.

You also need to know that none of this is your fault either, any man would be embarrassed to admit to another man (or woman) that he'd rather masturbate than make love to his wife, the guy has serious issues here which he cannot control despite the fact they are destroying his relationship. I can see how, as a woman you would find this upsetting, but as I said you need to view this as an illness he has, like ED, its an issue he has which is preventing him from being able to have a fulfilling sex life. Taking his Iphone off him would be a good start, and getting your internet access restricted would be a good start if he's determined to overcome his problem.

In short, right now I would focus on yourself and your child and unborn child. Imagine the relationship is on hold and don't expect any improvements right now, this way you wont be set up for stress or disappointment. You focus on the children and make him pull his weight - seeing as he's not interested in the children - by doing chores around the house etc.

Your husband has no excuse for being a poor father (apart from being a jerk). Couples do experience problems, none of which justify him not being interested in his daughter. I would say right now if you don't have relatives who can help (who you can go to or who can come to you) you need to look after number 1a (you) and 1b (daughter) and make sure nothing happens to 1c (unborn). The chances are I'm afraid to say that unless he really wants to change it is unlikely he will. I don't think considering divorce is unreasonable, just not yet.

[rosekitten]

I'd like to offer some additional perspective, since some of the things you talked about are very familiar territory for me. I want to preface it by saying that I don't <hate> porn in relationships, but it was an issue in my marriage.

First, if your husband deploys, he probably will continue to look at porn. In this respect, he sounds a lot like my husband (super nerd, porn addiction from a young age, etc). Our marriage almost imploded while he was deployed, because my husband hid it from me, as well as his more adventurous desires. I found out through his email, and then some light stalking, and was devastated. During deployment I felt him pull further and further away from me, and then came to find out that he was spending almost every night watching porn before going to be, and sometimes he would watch porn instead of taking his time to talk to me about it. It made me feel worthless and unwanted, so I got the attention elsewhere.

Now, all that being said, I have some advice for you.

1) Why does porn bother you so much? As I said before, I don't have a serious problem with porn, but I have my limits with it (I watch it myself, so I can't be too harsh on my husband). My husband told me that it's a mental thing for him. It's not that he doesn't find me attractive, but that since he started watching it when he was so young, it became a part of his sexual outlet. To this day it's hard for him to not watch porn, so we compromised (he's been bad) in that he needs to talk to me about when he wants to watch porn. We do some light BDSM, so it fits well into our "rules." Would there be any potential for you to allow some porn watching, so long as it isn't at the expense of your own sex life? In our case, my husband is bad at picking up on my "I'm horny" cues, so when he asks and I tell him "yes" he knows he isn't getting laid that night anyways, and he needs porn for the mental stimulation.

Now, it sounds like he's neglecting you to watch porn. So, the question is, why? You seem to think that it's because he's told you that he basically has unrealistic expectations, but I wonder if that's what the root of it is. Marriage counseling would be very good for the both of you. People tend to open up better when there's a mediator present, and it gives you two a place to argue/yell/cry/whatever that isn't your home, and will help you to be able to try and leave the anger/hurt there, instead of inside your home. If he's willing to go, I highly recommend it. The military offers a lot of help, and even if he doesn't want to be seen on base, there are a lot of resources available to you as well.

Now, as for your children, it honestly just sounds like the "I'm an adult" mode hasn't fully activated for him yet. He went from college to having kids. The reality of that was lessened by not being able to be a part of birth and the first year of his daughter's life. My husband told me that he didn't feel welcome in our home when he returned from deployment, and it's possible that your husband just doesn't know/understand how to parent. Being nerdy, have you thought of getting some sort of console based game that would be fun for your daughter to watch, and for him to teach her how to play. Depending on the game, he can just hand her a controller and let her pretend to be playing. It would be a good way for them to engage with each other, and it's an activity that he enjoys. Now, I'm not suggesting that this would be appropriate for hours on end or anything, but it may be a good way to give him a bonding opportunity with his daughter, and might make him feel like he's more involved in the parenting process.

Military life is hard. So very, very hard. Use the mental health resources that are offered by the military- if they don't have what you need, find someone off post, but see someone.

Now, as for the stress, you need to find an outlet. It isn't good for you or your daughters to be so upset. I know you know that already, but sometimes it just needs to be said. Are you crafty? Do you enjoy reading? Walking? Guns? Anything, really. You need to find some sort of outlet that you can pour your frustrations into, so that you can relax some. Nothing will be fixed overnight, but it can be fixed. Your husband sounds like he wants to fix things, but unfortunately it takes more than wanting- it takes being passionate about those changes. I used to suffer from manic depression, my husband met me when I was in some of my darkest moments. But, for him, I wanted to change, I wanted to be better. It took knowing that I would lose him, though, for me to really find the fuel for my desire. Perhaps a trial separation might help. If you can't tolerate his porn addiction, he needs to know that he can't keep pushing you. But, before walking away entirely, it might be worth doing a trial separation, so that he knows (really knows) that you can and will live without him if he can't change to be the man you need him to be.

[PinkySweet]

My husbands in the Marines, I strongly suggest if your wanting to try to work yalls marriage out TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FREE CLASSES, FREE COUNSELING/MARRIAGE CLASSES OR GO ON A MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT RETREAT(All branches of the military have them there 48hrs long and free) AFTER THE BABY COMES.

But seriously do whats best for you and your baby.