[rene82]

I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years. Married to him for 10 months. Sex life was always constant but not wow. (just thought I was a little freakier than him) My husband always looked at porn, which i knew about and didn't have a problem with. In May of this year I decided to go on our computer and look into what he was looking at (to see what he liked) so that I could try to spice things up. What I found was a smack in the face I never saw coming. Massive amounts of daily porn, adult dating sites, replies to craigslist ads and escort services. I was devastated. I decided to confront him. I was very calm in doing so and started out with asking if he had ever gone outside of our relationship, answer was no. Asked if he had ever been with an escort. Answer was no. No information was admitted me me at all. So then I had to pull out each email that I had found. One by one, then all of a sudden he remembered. He claimed he was embarrassed and he was sorry. He claims he was with one escort but it was before we met. He said he contacted them through email but never went through with anything. He was so sorry. He promises that he has done nothing of the sort since we were married 10 months ago. I was hurt and still am but I know i swept it under the rug. I would periodically check internet history but would find nothing. I continued to have a gut feeling that wouldn't go away. One day I decided to look at a different browser on our computer and there it was, escort sites! Four of them! Not porn sites, but escort and adult discrete dating sites. I confront him, again calmly. Hes says they are pop ups from other sites. He isnt going to them. Again, i let it go under the rug. I continue to look. So last night I pull up the internet cookies since he deletes all of the history now. As I was in the middle of this, opening up all of the sites, one after another he walks in and just looks at me. I calmly look at him and say " you forgot to delete your cookies" and I walked away. He immediately gets upset and angry claiming they are pop up sites that he doesnt go to. (fyi. there are hundreds and they are in the cookies over and over again) Argues that we have been through this already " thousand years ago" ( its been four months ) Screaming at me that I dont trust him and he cant believe I was looking at the cookies. Tells me he cant change it and he has to deal with what his did all the time and if I can"t trust him I need to leave! No consideration for my feeling at all.

I don't have allot of experience with this. All i can go by is my gut feeling. This is not how an innocent husband would react is it? Please give me any advise or share your experience. Sometimes I feel like I am the crazy and paranoid one. Please help......

Thanks.

[jns]

Maybe the best way is to save to a USB drive all of both of your important work. Then have the hard drive fully erased and have the operating system reinstalled. Many computers can do this as they have the operating system re-installable from a hidden drive. Then the system would not have all of those links. Use a free pop-up blocker to keep from having pop-ups.

I think he is lying about his activity. He is getting mad to cover up his lying. But he probably is not doing anything other than he has been doing for the entire time of your relationship with him.

[Hopeless Dork]

Men, and well.. all people in general tend to react with anger and get defensive when they are backed into a corner. Denial is easy for both them and the person they are possibly deceiving when that deniability is anywhere near plausible. Once it becomes a matter of 'only an idiot would believe that story'.. then it can just get ugly and angry.

When I've caught my bf in a situation that upset me, he would deny deny deny deny whatever it was I was upset over. Whenever denial was not an option anymore than saying 'pigs really do fly, honest!' when the truth was staring us both in the face.. the reaction I would get was just defensiveness and anger and throwing it back in my face about trust and 'just GO if you think so badly of me'.

Woman's intuition is an M'F'r, men will never, ever understand that instinct that rises up from our gut and lets us know what lays beneath the surface, even if it can't be seen or touched or heard. The same instinct that lets mama bears know their cub is in trouble miles and miles away lays within us, yet we are programmed to ignore those feelings.

You have to decide for yourself if you are happy with him as a man. If you feel loved, special, respected and appreciated. You have to decide for yourself if you can be okay with the fact he may continue these habits as they seem to resurface like clockwork. Most cases when men are called out on this type of stuff the only thing that changes is that they go through the trouble of clearing history/cookies... but every now and then they forget :P

If you think he makes you happy and you love him and you don't think he's cheating... you can decided to just stop digging. You only hurt your own feelings uncovering the same dirt over and over - you can't keep putting yourself through that - especially if you plan to work things out despite he may continue his internet fantasy life.

You're his wife, not his probation officer. So constantly policing something is only going to breed resentment. Men will do as they will. You can cry. You can tell him how much it hurts you. But if they don't see actual physical damage from what they are doing.. they are hard pressed to make any changes.

If your sex life has waned, that can be the physical damage that leads him to re-think his behavior patterns. If you tell him you want more of him sexually and that you want him to save up those urges for you and not some pixels on the moniter, some random e-mails with paid women that don't give one **** about him - maybe he will see the light and realize that stopping that activity can enhance things with each other.

But if your sex life is fine, or if you want it less than he does... you're fighting an uphill battle of private eye then arguments then sweeping things under the rug and there are much better ways to spend your day than worrying about this stuff.

We live in a society now where men have access to whatever they visually want at the touch of a button and most don't have the resolve to refrain from it. Sad, but very true. We can fight it til we're blue in the face or we can just accept it and look at the other details of the relationship and focus on whether or not we're happy despite that aspect.

If you're miserable on top of that other junk, then yeah.. he might not be the one for you. But if you are happy in all other areas... it might have to be a delicate compromise.

[BabyGirl]

As JNS & HD said, there are ways to react with this and hopefully solve the issue of is it past or present ?

JNS's Idea is a Good one. take the Comp to a Place to have the Hard Drive Wiped Clean, after saving all the Important things of course . You can actually, for about $30 buy an External Hard drive and just download all your Important files to that . It's not hard to do and is great for a " Back Up " in case your Real HD crashes . Just like the USB SAN DISK that JNS was talking about, but you can also have a Terabyte of Files on it and Easily just put it ( or hook it ) up to another Comp .

Another thing is ,Child Safe You can go into Programs and set a User to Child Safe/ Block ONLY . It will not allow them to go to Porn sites, Sex Sites and even Most " Sites that take Credit Cards . It can be frustrating to you and other users though, as you can search for a Cockateil Bird, and it will block it or a Cocker Spaniel Dog .. Same thing .

But as HD said ,, You need Trust and decide if he is Trustworthy, if he can and will keep Promises, change habits or Behavior, in order to keep you in his Life ??? And if you feel you just cannot.. Don't play the Waiting/ Sneaking/ Spying Game . Just say .. This is It and then hopefully find someone that you don't have to keep that kind of Track of .

[jabooloo14]

I am not married, but I am in the same sort of situation with my bf (we've been together for over 3 yrs now). He constantly talks to his ex and another girl and then when I ask him what they talk about he tells me I'm being crazy. So I took it upon myself to look through his messages and every time I find something I don't like. When I try to talk to him about it he gets all defensive and tries to blame me. Saying I'm the bad one because I looked through his stuff.
I'm like you and debate if I really am crazy...