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Husband Cheated and a Possible child was concieved...can we still work this out?

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  • Husband Cheated and a Possible child was concieved...can we still work this out?

    To start I moved in with my husband around 2003 We have been married now almost 7 years. He was military for almost all of it up till 2010 when he got out due to many issues with his health. When he got out it was honerably but not retired after 14+ years. During the time he was in we have several issues as I was a young mother and no sure what I wanted. I still decided to marry him and go where ever he went. 2 years in I felt overwhelmed and our relationship got very distant and I made a mistake by going to another man talking about our issues (he was a friend of mine). We were still married and I felt horrible about it so I decided to try harder to make my marriage work and stop talking to the guy. Before I made that decision my husband found out and was very upset. I told him everything and apologized and felt horrible about the whole situation even tho I never had sex with the guy we did do stuff that he felt was cheating. Since then I have tried to be honest and open with my husband. shortly after this he decided he wanted a divorce but not before going to thailand. About a year after this insident my husband decided to take a trip to the Thailand (the adult disneyland is what most military men called it) there he had god knows how many women. When he left I was told by him it was for work. I believed him since he had been there before with friends in the military and I didn't question if it was not for work. Shortly after he got back I found his phone with messages from a woman saying she loved him and couldn't wait to see him again etc. Also thanks for the money he sent her. During this time I was drinking alot and I realized that. I called the girl and spoke with her before confronting my husband. She told me she didn't know he was married and was very sorry and didn't want anything to do with him. I then spoke with my husband and was very upset when he didn't deny any of it. I was so hurt that I left home and stayed at a friends house for a day to cool off before deciding what I should do. Once I returned my husband was very apologetic and I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I told him I was not sure what I wanted but that I didn't want a divorce. We then decided on counseling again this is all while he was still in the military. During counseling I found that my husband felt that I was never around and that I was drinking to much. I realized that and decided to work more on our marriage and I would stop going out as much and spend time home with him. Shortly after the counseling things seemed so much better and we were back where we started when we first got together or so it seemed. Then he got out the military when we moved back to the states (since we were overseas for almost 4 years) I thought we were good. We moved in with my mother in AZ and from there things seemd to get bacd we faught a lot cause no money and living with people is not what he wanted. About a month in he was offered a job contracting over seas which he said he needed to take it to support our family. I agreed but I never wanted us to be apart unfortunately the job did not move the whole family. So me and our 2 children stayed in the states. The first few months were very hard for me we rarely talked on the internet and he didn't get a phone till near november and calling back and forth was very expensive which seemed to cause a lot of issues between us. Around november he seemed very distant. While I was working on going back to school and taking care of our children I didn't read to much into the space growing between us. Around december we rarely talked. Then in January I ended up with pheumonia when this happened my husband would rarely be calling since I was sick and trying to get better It didn't really bother me since I was trying to get better while still taking care of our bills and children. Then near the middle janruary he asked for a divorce. I felt like it was out of the blue since I thought we were still ok even tho we had rarely been talking. Up till march he hadn't came home and I didn't want our marriage to be over. I love this man. So I told him he had to come take care of all that and I was not filing for divorce because that is not what I wanted. He finally took his 30 day paid vacation and came home in June. While here he acted like things were back to normal and I asked him what was wrong since I had seen the change in the way he was. He then told me he saw a girl and only kissed her and that he wanted us to be together basically he fed me some lines and I believed him I also didn't want us to be over so i forgave him since I felt he was being honest.
    This was june 2011. Just recently this past year he found a tumor on his kidney and I went overseas to care for him this was august 2012. Then in the month Sept 2012 I was checking my sons facebook after coming back to the states and came across a email from a woman in the phillipines that was saying she had a daughter that my husband knew about and that she just wanted him to know..(this message was to my husband but this woman made a mistake and sent it to my son they have the same name!). LUckily my son is didn't read this message he is only 8 and only uses facebook to play the online games. I read it before he could and sent it to myself so he never saw it. Basically she stated that the child she was carrying was growing up without him and that it was a girl. When I read this my heart fell to my feet. I have wanted a girl for quite some time but my husband said after 2 boys that we had enough kids and we couldn't afford another which I agreed. I was so hurt by this since I never knew nothing about this woman. I asked him over the phone since he at the time was still overseas not in Phillipines but another country. He then told me that yes he cheated with her but that the child is not his. He also told me she was seeing anther man that he didn't know about but when he found out he stopped talking with her. She told me a different story. I have emailed this woman back and forth and she says he was the one who bought the pregnancy test and that he was planning on a divorce back in December when we were still rarely talking but still saying I love you. I was so devistated when I read her emails. It felt like my world was crashing. He denys this child he says cause he wore condoms yet this woman says he never wore a condom. I seen pictures of the woman the child and the other man. This child does have very similarities to my husband but the woman is philipina and the other man looks very similar to my husband also. My husband is korean and the other man is philipino. I asked my husband if he was willing to do a dna test to prove its not his and he agreed but was very hesitant. I asked the woman to send some dna like hair nails anything so this test can be done. Since then I had been angry towards my husband and would say stuff that would upset him without even thinking about it. He tells me that we (kids and I) are his only family no matter what the test comes out to say. He fed me many lines and I told him I can try to move past this. He said the door with this woman was closed yet according to her he disapeared when she left back to the phillipines from the country she was when she met him and that she was pregnant and he knew it. I am so confused and not sure who to believe since she also said that she was with that other man around the same time as my husband. I am not sure I can ever get over this since everytime I see a little girl I think about it. After my husband emailed her that he didn't want anything to do with the child or her I decided to delete her and block her from my facebook. But she had already sent the hair and nail samples. Which I just recently recieved. Now I have this envelope and dna stuff and I am unsure if I should test them. My husband says he has peace of mind and that he doesn't want to know if its his because then that would change everything. I love my husband and am so confused by all this. I don't know what I should do. I want to know its not his but if it is I don't know if it would change that feeling. Any suggestions on how I can move past this or if I should just get the test done?

  • Honey, the damage was done. He's cheated, and lied, and you're over looking this. I think a divorce isn't such a bad idea. He needs to get his priorities and check. He's totally pulling the wool over your eyes. If the child is his, than it's his. You don't need to put up with this and, even though you love him- your mental health and personal value should have been put first. Not other women. Don't do this to yourself any longer.

    Comment


    • Your husband has lied to you. Your husband has cheated on you AND your children. He continues to lie in order to protect himself. Of course he doesn't want DNA results to come back and of course he doesn't want to acknowledge the child because then he couldn't lie anymore, either to himself or to the rest of the world. Consider this though -- your children have a 1/2 sister out there. This may not mean much now but it could in the future. Is it fair to either your children or this other child? If you put up with this any longer you may as well give him a pass to continue cheating on you (and he will because that's what they do). You will eventually be left with a sexually transmitted disease, another child of his (either with you or someone else) or left for another woman. He could also be sued for child support and maintenance leaving you and your children less and less to survive on yourselves.
      Take a long hard look, decide what type of life you want and deserve, then unless he completely changes and proves he has changed, I'd kick him to the curb.
      That which we forget may as well never really happened.

      Comment


      • I think you should get the test done. See if he will support his own child, if it is his.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment


        • You can get past anything, but do you want to? My general comments on this sort of situation are:

          If the reasons he cheated haven't gone away, (whatever those may have been, including things purely internal to him), then he will likely do it again. If so, and he may cheat again, would you regret your decision to stay.

          Even if he won't cheat again, can you really completely forgive him? If not, then there is not point staying.

          Finally and most importantly, what matters is how much YOU care about his cheating, not how much other people tell you that you should or should not care.

          Comment


          • you need to ask your self can you live with it? can you live with him going to hospital appointments, having contact with the child because if he says he wont he will aventually. Its matter of trust...can you trust him 100%? if not it wont work at all. Really sorry this has happend. hope you make the right choices for you and your family. dont go by posts on here

            Comment

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