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Need a woman's opinion

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  • Need a woman's opinion

    I've been married for 6 years and we've never had what I would consider a good sex life. I would consider a good sex life, having sex twice a week with her showing an equal (or close to equal) interest. Instead we usually have sex once every 3 weeks (sometimes less, we've gone 6 weeks without sex). By the time it's been that long she usually starts saying something like, "I know you need it so we'll do it soon." It's basically a chore for her that she puts off for as long as possible. When we do have sex it's always the same way. She refuses to do anything that requires effort on her part so it's always in our bedroom, in the bed, me on top. If it takes more than 5 minutes she gets mad and says I'm trying to not "finish" to make it last longer. It's gotten really depressing. I feel like I biologically need it, but it's not enjoyable and it makes me feel bad every time.

    She works more hours than I do (sometimes 60+, compared to my 40), but she says up really late. I usually go to bed between 10 and 11. She stays up until 1 or 2, sometimes later. I've told her before that I feel lonely. We don't see each other all day, then I go to bed by myself.

    About two weeks ago I saw a Groupon for a trip to Jamaica. I was going to put it on her phone and then tell her we should go. When I went on her phone there was a ton of porn videos that she'd been watching that week. She says that's the first time she's done that in years. I guess I believe her, but it was still really hurtful. Anytime I make a suggestion that has something to do with sex she acts like I'm the most crude person on the planet. And I'm not making out of the ordinary suggestions. This would be a suggestion like, her on top, oral, sex in the morning, etc. One time I had read that couples watching soft porn together can improve or spice up their sex life, so I suggested it. She acted like that was completely disgusting. So when I saw on her phone that she'd been watching extremely graphic, very hard-core porn at night while I was asleep it really hurt.

    I confronted her and at first she denied even watching it, even though it was right there on her phone. Then she said she was just curious that one night. When I told her the history showed that she'd been watching it the past few nights she said it was just because she's been off of her birth control and that makes her think about sex more. I said, "But I'm laying upstairs, lonely, wishing I could have sex with you. If you were in the mood I would have thought your husband would be the first option, not porn." She said she didn't think waking me up to have sex was an option. That hurt. To think that porn would come to mind as an option over me really hurts, especially since our sex life has been so bad.

    After all of this happened I wrote down everything I was feeling. I told her how unhappy I was because of our sex life. I told her I feel selfish, but as a man I "need" to have a sex life and as her husband it really makes me depressed feeling like she has no interest in me. We talked about it and she said she feels like she should be the one getting mad because I'm making such a big deal about it. I told her if we had a healthy sex life I wouldn't mind her looking at porn at all, it might even be a turn on. But in our situation, when she seems to be picking porn over me, I told her it was almost like cheating. She laughed when I said that. I told her that she has a husband who practically begs her for sex, however and whenever she'll have it, and instead she's watching some guy online having sex.

    We've talked a lot since then. I told her I had been so unhappy with our sex life that it is affecting everything else and I didn't feel like I was being fair to myself to stay around being unhappy and feeling unloved (in the bedroom at least). Everything outside of our sex life is great. We get along really well. But the lack of sex, and now this, are making it really difficult. Since all this happened about a week and a half ago we haven't had sex. We even went on a date Thursday night, but when we came home she just went downstairs to read her book. Then again last night we went on a date, but again, when we came home she went down stairs and read her book until around 1 a.m. She reads on a Kindle, and I've been thinking about getting a Kindle. So this morning I looked at hers to see if I think I'd like it. The page she was one when she stopped reading last night was more graphic than anything I've ever seen. It was some guy in the kitchen, kissing this girl, then "pressing his erection deep in her." I couldn't believe it. It actually made me sick to think about. She has probably over 100 of these books, but I didn't realize what they were. I knew they were "Romance Novels" but I didn't realize they were written graphic porn. Now I know that even if she did only watch videos those two days, she's reading porn every night.

    Am I wrong to be hurt by this? Is it wrong for her to, even after all we've been through the past few weeks, still be reading this when she knows how much that hurts me? I just don't know what to do.

  • I wouldn't begin to tell you what to do, that is up to you to decide for yourself.

    For the last year I haven't been able to get aroused or enjoy sex myself. Sometimes it was even very painful for me to do it. But I always have sex with my husband whenever he wants it. This is usually 3-4 times a week. I only remember turning him down one time, that was when I was so emotionally and physical spent I just couldn't do it.

    The reason I still have sex with him is two fold. First and foremost is that I love him and even though I don't enjoy sex, I do enjoy giving him pleasure and fulfilling his needs. The second reason is; when I married him, I took on the responsibility of being his wife and one of those responsibilities is to fulfill his sexual needs and maybe even his fantasies.
    Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
    ― Bodhidharma


    • 2dogs, my opinion is that her behavior is controlling. Does she make more than you do? From what I have seen, in a lot of cases, the one who makes the most money tries to control the other one.

      She is dismissive to lower your requesting sex. It seems that everything she does is emasculating. Have you two tried counseling? Maybe you should ask if she would considering you getting sexual pleasures from other sources. What is interesting about it, from her readings and internet browsing, she really does have a sexual side. She just doesn't turn it loose on you. Maybe it is because she would have to compromise or lose such tight control.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • I think you forget to treat and make her feel like a LADY, not a girl or babe. You should make her relax, laugh, joke, gossips and then ask for permission for sex. She is going to give you lots of excuses. You say nevermind, I only have sex with you only when you feel like it. Continue to chat, joke and make her relax till she says she is ready. Only then, both of you can enjoy having sex.


        • I don't get the same impression that mrmusic did. There's nothing in your post that is telling me you're not treating your wife well. When you were open to her about not wanting to continue with an unhappy life/unfullfilling marriage, how did she respond??

          How long was she on birth control? That right there could have been a mega huge reason for her lack of libido in the first place, and here's why. I just recently went of BC myself after years of being on it. I didn't have a reduced libido to point your wife does, but I could definitely tell the difference when I finally got off the hormones. I felt like a teenager again, I wanted to have sex, a lot.... more than I ever did for the decade I was on the BC. And my husband noticed. He didn't really understand why I wanted sex more, but he certainly noticed the change and made a comment to it. The difference is, when I noticed the change, I went to my husband, not romance novels.

          So maybe, now that your wife is off the pill, she's starting to regain her sexual urges again. Only, she doesn't really know what to do with it. I know you're her husband, and you should be her outlet (and obviously you're very willing), but maybe she just feels a little 'weird' about what's going on right now... and just doesn't know how to approach you about her new level of sexual interest. Also, she may be so turned off mentally by the begging for sex (and I don't mean that to be offensive - 6 weeks without sex is beg-inducing) that she can't get as turned on by intimate moments with you right now. Let me be clear that I don't know for sure this is what's happening, but it is a possibility.

          So my advice, is to mention to her again, that if/when she's feeling randy, you want to be there for her. In the meantime, do sweet things for her and DON'T imply/insuniate it is to get her in bed, and don't beg/ask for sex. So take her out on dates, and hold her hand and kiss her fingers. Make her dinner. Do household chores for her, just because. Fix something that she's been nagging about for a while. Smile at her, compliment her, brush her hair from her face and give her a peck. And do it all without pressure for sex. Soon enough she should stop associating your touch/attention with pressure for sex, and will start associating it with love and intimacy.


          • Originally posted by KMonte85 View Post
            I just recently went of BC myself after years of being on it. I didn't have a reduced libido to point your wife does, but I could definitely tell the difference when I finally got off the hormones. I felt like a teenager again, I wanted to have sex, a lot.... more than I ever did for the decade I was on the BC.
            I had this exact same experience! I had a decent sex drive for the 13 years I was on it, but one I got off of it, I was like "Wow!" I wanted it a lot!! Ha ha!

            This could be several possible things to me. Mabye she is controlling, and uses sex against you. Mabye, she simply fell out of love with you. Mabye you aren't giving her the type of intamacy she needs. Seems to me, she should be telling you what the issue is, saying you are in the wrong for wanting a healthy sex life is not right.
            “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” - William Arthur Ward


            • Originally posted by danceintx View Post
              Seems to me, she should be telling you what the issue is, saying you are in the wrong for wanting a healthy sex life is not right.
              Agreed! She needs to tell you what's wrong... we can give you ideas for what it might be, but ultimately to end the guessing game and get the relationship back on the right path - she needs to open up!


              • KMonte85,
                My wife needs to travel overseas frequently for work. Whenever she is back home, I can see that she is not enthusiastic and forthcoming in sex. We are busy working in 2 different countries and meet up only during weekends. However on her rest days, she still be busy working on her laptop. We have lesser time for romance because her workload is increasing and her mind is always on work. So when it comes to sex, it feels like doing it with a stranger.



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