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Cheating husband.. Need advice

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  • Cheating husband.. Need advice

    Hello There, I want to share my infidelity story to get a feel from individuals who do not know me at all or my situation. So here it goes... I met my husband in 2003. I was 16 and he was 18.. It was a whirl wind. We had a long distance relationship until I went to college in 2005. We were crazy in love, visited each other often, and somehow made it work. Things were great once I moved to college to be closer to him and his family. I always told him he was my "escape from reality" as my home life wasn't so great and his family became mine and we loved each other. Our relationship was wonderful.. He was my world. I gave him all of me and did all that I could to make him happy. In 2007, on our 4 year anniversary getting ready to go out on our anniversary date.. I got a call from a girl, his best friends ex, stating that he had been cheating on me with her for 6 months. I was devastated. I vowed from that moment on I was done. I started counseling the very next day. My friends and family were a great support. After two days, I was leaving my counseling appointment and looked at my phone and had 70+ missed calls from him. I did my best to ignore him and move on. I even rushed into a new relationship which lasted for 5 months, however he was relentless on getting me back for over 6 months.. None stop intense. I thought to myself if he hasn't given up in 6 months maybe he does love me. He had boughten a house at just 21, had a great job and was driven. I moved in with him in in 2008. We went to counseling on top of me getting my bachelors degree.. I refused to be a statistic of cheating and failing to survive from it. It was a struggle to move past the cheating and try to forget it.. I did my best, but admit I was paranoid anxious and accused him of cheating often. I felt entitled like he should worship the ground I walked on as he was the one who cheated. For almost 5 years he did all I could ask of him. In 2010, he asked me to marry him and I said yes.. Finally felt after 7 years... I was ready for him to be my husband. We set a date for 2012.. Which brings us to today. As the wedding got closer.. The more distance I felt from him. He was cold, not loving, mean, and just walked by me as if I didn't exist in his life. Everyone told me men get like this before the wedding. I didn't think it was normal. He kept stating he wasn't happy and didn't want to get married. I asked him repeatedly if it was someone else, he assured me it wasn't. He watched me begin to lose weight, puke nightly from nerves, and be anxious and paranoid and did nothing. He stated he felt unwanted in the bed room and that I did not care about his feelings. I had to agree to some point. Since the initial cheating in 2007 I had become more reserved in the bedroom.. Almost coming off as it was a chore.. For again I felt unable to feel comfortable as i did before the cheating.. And again felt entitled as he was the cheater and I was the one to have to overcome it all. However, the wedding kept approaching. He continued to plan it with me and attend appointments. I could still feel his distance and gave him a ton of chances to call it off or admit to what his distance was from.. But nothing. He showed up to the wedding and we got married. It was the happiest and best time of our life. We went on our honey moon right after. He was cold, unloving, and not himself on the trip. A few weeks after returning home.. He got meaner angrier and treated me worse, told me to just move out. Every time I attempted he would then be nice and tell me not to. One day while at work, I got a text that said I have been cheating on you. A text... 9 years of being together.. Growing up together and I get a text. I was angry.. Especially after all of the attempts I gave him to get out and not marry me if its not what he wanted. I did everything for this man.. I mean everything.. Even lawn work, etc all he had to do was bring in the money on top of the full time job I had as well. He had informed me that the cheating had been going on for a year, with a coworker. He states he wanted to be with her and that he wanted me to move out. I begged him to meet me in person to hear it for him first hand. With much fought, he agreed. I was calm, didn't cry. Told him I wanted nothin but my clothes and my dog.. He could have everything.. I even left my ring. He was sad, quiet. Told me he wasn't with her, hadn't been, that it happened a few months ago before the wedding and that he was so mean thinking I would call things off so he wouldn't have to tell me and I would just move it. ( Different version than the initial text confession )He said he didn't want to lie about it anymore.. That it was killing him to live that way all this time. I couldn't wrap my head around it. After 5 years of us trying and him fighting for me for over 6 months I never thought he would cheat again. To his defense, for 5 years he told me his feelings and needs. That I didn't make him feel wanted and that I wouldn't try with him, that it was just him trying to me. Which was true... Because I felt entitled from the first cheating incident. I told him I would move out, take a few things and be back in a few days to get the rest of my things. We kissed and hugged goodbye, even cried together. We then left. I heard from him here and there over the next few days. We both talked about how it went so wrong but that we loved each other, but we just didn't work. I came to get my belongings with a friend. He wasn't home. All of my decorations, pictures of us, anything of us or me was taken down and put away in the spare room. I left with nothing but my clothes and my dog. He was left with the rest. I took my bills and he took his. He also stated he would pay of the wedding. I was mortified.. After 3 weeks of an awful marriage beginning.. We were done. Divorce. As I packed up my car, and drove off, I thought I saw his truck in a parking lot.. Thought I was crazy. I made the corner and within minutes I received a text from him stating "I do love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." It had been him from afar watching me pack up and move out. I was speechless. I had already put my two week in at my dream job, said goodbye to his family and my friends. Started on anti depressants and now this?! It has now been three weeks. I quit my job and told him I just need time to think about things. I have been staying with my family 3 hours away.. We have seen each other a few times.. Texting throughout the day. I have been in touch with his family as well. All of my friends have strong feelings that I should not go back.. That once a cheater always a cheater and this was the second time, not even the first. He assures me that it will never happen again, that we need to work together this time and it not be one sided with just him trying. He said I need to make him feel wanted, especially in the bedroom. He even said that if it went back to being one sided, him just fighting for me, and me feeling entitled like before, it won't work and he would probably cheat again.. As it did not work before and needs to be done together with both of us listening to each other feelings. He has agreed to counseling and doing what it takes. I am angry he didn't tell me before the wedding so I could have made the choice. I now feel stuck as we are now married. Me being religious.. I never saw divorce as an option. He even admitted to trapping me in the marriage and waiting to tell me so I wouldn't be as easy to leave. Which is scary... But at the same time I have to agree that I really didnt take him seriously or try on my end after the first cheat.,.even telling me how he felt often.. Part of me still feels like I have fight left.. But other parts of me think I am silly since now I am 25 and he is now 27, no children and could just end it and move on. It's been three weeks and he continues to tell me to take my time and he will be waiting for me to come home. He says he wants to start our life, have his wife back, an wants to start a family. Says he is glad he told me so we don't look back when we are 80 and him feel awful that he never told me what happened 60 years prior. I am completely torn. I have grown up with this man, gave him all of me, and when we should be so happy just being newlyweds, we are faced with this. I would hate to go back just because I am comfortable and its been 9 years together. .. That and I just love and want to be with him. On top of all of this... Last night I received a text from a friend of his.. Who has a cheating marriage of his own. He sent me a text with my husband texting with his wife. Apparently this couple asked my husband to be a part of a threesome.. Which my husband states he declined. However I have visually seen him texting with his friends wife saying to come spend the night and he's home alone and to make sure she deletes these messages. Throughout the convo the wife is saying the most sexual and unbelievable things to my husband.. He rarely responded and did his best to look like he is trying to ignore her.. Aside from the few inappropriate comments he did make. I questioned him and his friend about this. My husband states he was trying to catch this woman in a lie and had to play into it to show his friend how she was being. He even said he has proof he was texting his other friend during their convo which states what was being said and him stating he was going to tell his friend. I don't know what to think. I am in total disbelief. Here for weeks he is begging me to come home and I'm contemplating it and then this last night?! Why would he tell her to delete the message etc? Makes no sense. He has gotten very mad at me and feels angry that I won't believe him.. What am I supposed to think? His friend stated they did talk to him about a threesome but he is in disbelief about their convo. Him and my husband are to meet to discuss it... I spoke to the wife and told her what a scumbag she is for taking to my husband like that what shifty friends they are taking advantage when we are working on things a and going through a difficult time.. She says it was fantasy agreed by all of them.. Nothing happened it was just talk and she was sorry. His friend also told me what he thought of his cheating.. Which he says went on for a few months.. Not just once like my husband says it happened( third version of cheating story). So now I have another lie from my husband when he says he wants to tell the truth from now on... I feel like I am in the twilight zone.. Should I run and never look back or should I believe my husband and give it a real try with both of us trying together? Ugh. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. Sorry for the length of this email.. But that's the 9 years of it all.. Your advice, input, support would be appreciated. Thanks so much for your time!

  • He has shown his true colors in continually lying to you. I doubt he will change. I would have the marriage annulled due to lying if I were you.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Oh dear, I feel so sorry for you.He is cheating & lying to you.There are so many versions to his lie. Can you say confidently which one is correct??

      Love & Marriage is all about Trusting each other completely. You should ask yourself -

      1.Can I trust this person anymore for the rest of my life??
      2.Can I be sure he will never cheat again?(as you written above,he didnt tell u abt cheating second time & trapped you in marriage)
      3.Do I love him anymore after this episode?
      4.If we get back together, will everything be as before..will I be able to give him love as it was before first time he cheated..?

      You are just 25yrs, & you have your whole life infront of you.Good that you have so supporting family & friends. He already once asked you to move out.

      Think about YOURSELF & YOUR future..dont think abt him..He has clearly shown what kind of human being he is?? Dont lie to youself..

      All the best, dear..Be strong.

      Comment


      • Wow ! I would have to say its time to move on, he seems like a real ****ick.

        Comment


        • "Who and what we are will be proven by our actions." He is continually showing you his true colors, you never really could get over the first cheat, I doubt you could get over more. And why wouldn't he cheat again? You keep taking him back.
          “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” - William Arthur Ward

          Comment


          • wow. You know, I understand the fact you have 9 years under your belt. I've known my husband since I was 17, now I'm 35. Lot of history. Its hard to say goodbye to that. But, there has been many occasions where we would have gone our separate ways, if we didnt have children to consider. As you said, there are no children to worry about right now.... one day soon there may be, and it changes your options. My point is that he makes you unhappy and insecure. Your life partner shouldnt make you feel this way. He should make you feel confident and amazing and totally loved. You shouldn't ever have to question his devotion to you. You have felt unsure of him for years, do you really want to spend the next 9 years of your life feeling this way? You will. You know in your heart you cannot trust him, Not even to hang with his friends, or go to work. There are trustworthy men out there, and you are still young.
            I personally think he has damaged any chance you have of fully trusting him, and if you go back to him, you are telling him its ok to treat you like crap, because you will accept him back.
            As bad as times get between my husband and myself, I can trust him with all my heart not to go to another woman. Ever. I KNOW this. Wouldn't you like to know your husband is a faithful man? They are out there. I hope you find one for yourself.

            Comment

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