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How to agree on how often to have sex?

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  • How to agree on how often to have sex?

    Good day, all.

    My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. The first year or so, sex was really wonderful for both of us. However, the last 3 years, we have had issues on how often we should have sex. He would like to have sex at any given moment of the day...everyday, where as I would prefer to only have sex a couple of times a week at best. In my early 30s, my sex drive was through the roof...but it has tapered down tremendously. He 4 years younger than I am, and his sex drive is INSANE!

    The problem is that now, he hounds me for it. He talks about it constantly, he asks for it all the time. Even at the most inappropriate times...like when my 2 young boys are running around the house, when they have friends over....WHEN WE HAVE FRIENDS OVER! He has recently changed jobs and travels a lot during the work week, so he isn't home every day like he once was. But, on the days that he is here, he hounds me for it. When I tell him that I don't want to at that moment, or lets wait until the kids go to bed, or like last night, we had a late supper and went straight to bed...I was full from supper and he asked and I said lets wait because my tummy was full...he got really upset. Anytime I say not right now or no or anything to that effect, he gets really upset...to the point that he throws a fit. I find myself doing it just to shut him up...and it sometimes breeds animosity for me...and him. We have tried to have a conversation about it and he tells me that he is so attracted to me and loves me so much and that is the only way he feels like I love him or that we feel connected. In turn, it makes me feel bad and makes me feel like I am denying him of love, which I definitely am not. I show him in many ways that I love him as well as telling him often. I know that sex is a vital part of a relationship, however, it is not the most important part...

    I would like to hear some suggestions on how to have a "diplomatic" converstaion with him, that doesn't hurt his feelings, but gets my point across...as well as coming up with some sort of compromise that makes us both happy.

    Thank Y'all!

  • You took the words right out of my mouth! This is exactly how my relationship is. Especially having kids, sex is very low on the priority list. A couple times a week, I can handle- but really, if it was up to me, it would be a couple times a month, or even a few times a year! The only reason we do have sex as much as we do (maybe 5 times a month?) is just to get him to shut up!
    Sorry, I don't really have any good advice, seeing as I have the same problem. But just wanted to let you know that I totally understand your problem, I'm the same way. And that's what I tell my guy- that this has to be the #1 issue in marriages, and we aren't any different. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you, it doesn't mean you have a small one, it just means we're human. You're a man with an unlimited libido, and I'm a woman with less of one.
    Oh- one thing we tried (i'll give him credit, he's made an effort in this area) to make it more exciting was toys. And I was completely against it, couldn't be bothered, don't like them, etc. Then one day he bought the We-Vibe. (google it, or hopefully you already know about it!). This thing is amazing. We had sex for like 9 days straight!!! And this is coming from someone who DOES NOT LIKE these kinds of things.
    Well, good luck! I hear your pain!


    • Sit down and have an agreement. Negotiate how many times a week to have sex. Set boundaries like not when kids are around, etc. Set up a sex date. Wednesday nights after the kids are in bed, the kitchen has been cleaned, etc. Get him to help around the house. Next time you are washing the dishes and he wants sex, tell him as soon as the dishes are done. Give him a sexy look and tell him if he helps, they will get done faster and you can get on to more fun stuff.

      When you do turn him down, do it gently. Try to be sweet and say something like, "I am really exhausted but how about we go to bed early so we can wake up early for some morning sex."

      Also, put it back on him. Ask for a back rub to get you into the mood before sex. After feeling all relaxed, you may feel more aroused. Sit back and let him do all the work (just don't let this be a habit).

      the less sex he gets, the more he probably thinks about it and makes the situation worst. As couples have kids, sex easily gets pushed aside. Try to make it a priority. Setting up sex days really helps. So if Monday, Wednesday and Fridays are sex days, on Tuesdays, your hubby still has something to look forward to and may become more patient knowing that he will get some on Wednesday.
      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


      • Its really difficult to be in a relationship where people have different sex drives. There person who wants less sex feels constantly harassed - it seems that all their partner cares about is sex. The person who wants more feels constantly rejected, unwanted, unloved. Imagine if it were food - where you both were required by society to eat exactly the same amount of the same things: you would be constantly disagreeing, one of you always hungry, the other always over stuffed.

        One question is whether he would actually want sex multiple times a day, or if he is just not getting as much as he wants, so he always wants some.

        When you do have sex, does he try to be good to you in bed?

        Would he be happy with less frequent full lovemaking, but if you more often do things just to give him a quick release?

        Its very important to work on this - this type of thing can be terribly toxic to a relationship. (I speak from experience).


        • Date nights (planned sex nights) kinda work, and is a wonderful suggestion. But in reality, unless it's something you are willing to commit to, it can be a dread. I have went through times in my life where once or twice a month was fine with me. Currently, once or twice a day would be great. Womens hormones are crazy, to say the least. I find it is common for outside distractions to play a huge part in how receptive I am toward sex. Ex: Working ten hours a day, coming home to fix supper, making sure the kids needs are taken care of, and household chores cause a body to become exhausted and the last thing on your mind is having to perform yet one more task (sex) before being able to unwind and rest. When I feel pushed to the limit (over-extended) I need down time. Like rcoreyes said, maybe he can help with some of the load so that you want to be intimate. Also, if sex is a chore, at least in my perception, it seems like a wham bam thank you maam exchange. Now, when DH put forth effort to help ease the load of burden I carry, and makes sure sex is pleasurable for me, I am more than willing to make myself available. The better the sex, the more I want it. Then again, there are times I just need the physical release.

          I have been married for eighteen years. There are times when I want all the bells and whistles during love making. There are also times when I just want to be ********************. No bells, no whistles, just hard core sex to release. I'm sure that is not how the majority of women feel. But after eighteen years of marriage, I have no problem telling DH I want to make love or alternately, I want to be ********************. But our communication has been a key factor. He understands what I am after depending on the exchange. He is also comfortable letting me know what he wants. It's a give and take situation and we try to be open minded.

          On a positive note, he wants you. He is not turning to someone else for his needs. He tells you that he is attracted to you and just can't help wanting to be with you. A loving relationship IS so much more than just sex. Who knows, it may be that your body will go into overdrive in the next few years and he won't be able to keep up with your sex drive. From what I can surmise, a woman's sex drive can change drastically depending on their situations at the time. The frame of mind we are in also plays a HUGE role in how we view sex and the desire for it or lack thereof.


          • This is hard to answer because there is pure raw "sex" and then there is "sensual sex, making love, bonding"... Making a decision that you only want it twice a month at the best, is saying I view it as "sex", almost like a chore.

            Do you feel that it is? Just sex...

            No words should be spoken sometimes and action is the answer, just do.. But I get the feeling that he is making you feel like I guess, a sex object hense the turn off on the thought of it.



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