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Jealous fiance! Should I leave after 11 years?

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  • Jealous fiance! Should I leave after 11 years?

    My fiancee is very jealous and controlling. We have been together for 11 years- since I was 18, he 21. We have 3 kids (ages 3, 6, 9) and bought a house last year. We've been engaged for 3 years, with no immediate plans to marry. Almost since day 1, he has accused me of talking to/sleeping with/ looking at/ flirting with other guys, and lately of girls too! He checks my text messages and facebook daily (I let him, I have nothing to hide), and it doesn't matter if there's nothing to find- he can turn ANYTHING into something. Ex. an old college acquaintance (a girl) and I message maybe once a year to catch up, and every time we say the usual--"we should meet up", etc. to catch up. 2 weeks ago, he "discovered" this in my facebook inbox and flipped out! "What's that supposed to mean, let's meet up??!!" That's just the latest of his tirades, i won't waste the time and effort to type all of the other ridiculous things he's done. Let's just say that I am a cheating ******** who is always sneaking around behind his back--in his mind.

    I've tried all different ways to deal with this- accommodating him by cutting myself off from all of my friends to the point that they don't even invite me out anymore, they know I won't come anyway. I've tried not letting him control me by saying No, I'm going to go see my friends anyway I don't care what you say, etc. I've tried completely ignoring him when he does it, I've tried yelling and screaming when he does it, I've tried calmly talking to him and having heart-to-hearts and telling him how it makes me feel when he does it. These talks have happened, let me see, ohhh about 734 times. It doesn't change. Each and every time he ends up apologizing and saying he knows he's wrong, he will work on it, he will go for counselling, he will change, he doesn't want to lose me, blah blah blahhhh (can you tell I'm tired of it?).

    In any case, 13 days ago, there was another blow up, and I left. I picked the kids up from daycare and took them to my moms, ignoring all his phone calls and texts until the next evening, when he said he wanted to see the kids. Until today, I've said only a handful of words to him--right now there doesn't seem to be any point in wasting any breath on the issue anymore. It won't make a difference. So we got to a point of being civil and have made a temporary arrangement with the kids (we each have them for 4 days). In the last 2 weeks he's flipped the switch 6 times. First he was mad, saying he doesn't need me, etc. Then he kissed ******. And so on and so on.

    Now he's saying I'm being selfish and unreasonable- that he's a good guy, good luck finding someone better, you act like our whole life is bad, think of the kids, how can i just throw it all away, for the most part things are good its just one problem...... But to me (and anyone I've ever told about this agrees), it is a big enough problem where it controls me everyday, and have to screen my texts to see if there's anything he'll get mad over, and have anxiety all the time wondering if he's going to blow up over some stupid ******** again? Yes, there are good things in our life- otherwise I would have left a LONG time ago. But I'll be ********ed if I teach my kids that this is okay, I will never let someone treat my girls that way or my son to treat a girl that way.

    I totally understand that there's compromise in relationships. I don't expect to be able to go out all the time with my friends or have tons of guy friends or anything like that. But I don't think there should ever be fear in my stomach when talking to a male of any sort (and now females as well!). It shouldn't be an issue at all to go for lunch with some friends on a weekday! Am I wrong?
    I'm 100% convinced he will never change. If this relationship continues, it will only be because I'm bowing down and allowing it. I also wouldn't choose to break up my family when the kids are so young- of course I want to live happily ever after. Just not like this.
    PS. His family's policy is "stick by your man no matter what" and there isn't a single divorce in his whole family based on that policy. The men are allowed to do whatever- alcoholics, have women on the side, etc....the wife stays. So you can imagine the "advice" I'm getting from the inlaws.

    My question: is this one of those compromises you make when in general, everything else is okay? I've been told this is abuse, and I believe it (most days). Stay or leave? Leaving is harder than staying- otherwise like I said, I would have left 10 years ago.

  • this is the type of behavior that leads to stalking, emotional abuse and possibly even violence. Isolating you from your friends - big red flag. Its the classic abusive relationship symptom. Get out before it gets worst. His reaction of telling you you won't find any better - making you feel like you don't deseve any better. Another classic symptom of abusive relationships. The hot and cold reaction - saying sorry after doing something bad, but doing it again. Another classic. Pointing the blame on you - another symptom.

    Do you see a pattern to what I am saying? If you looked up the definition of abusive relationship, you could probably check most of the symptoms.

    Don't listen to the inlaws. They don't know what is going on in your relationship. Also, you are not family. Get a lawyer. Try to stay in your house but kick him out. You may want to contact the police and get a restraining order. Its when a woman tries to leave that somebody like your boyfriend is most likely to get violent. I don't know the law around this so talk to a lawyer, both about your protection as well as financial separation.
    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


    • Completely agree with sp346. This isn't going to get better, and it might get much worse. I see no reason to stay with this man.


      • I so hate that line " good luck finding anyone better" - or " no-one else will put up with you".. It's belittling. It's purpose is to make you believe it as well.

        Abuse comes in many forms. If someone constantly makes you feel that you are something that deep down inside you know that you are not, if they put you down, make you feel worthless, nothing and no one would ever want you, it's abuse to control you, to keep you...

        His family background obviously has affected him in the way in which he thinks but ultimately as well, he is so in-secure like he has to "own"..

        Sometimes it takes years to wake up and realise you are "all woman" and deserve to be treated as an equal and be confident in yourself, happy with yourself, how can you be happy having no friends? No one in your life, other than him and children in reality... What sort of life is that?

        I don't think you are asking the question to us, rather you are telling yourself finally, what you have known for a while and now, it's come to a head


        • I agree with all of the above. As I was reading all the posts, CW's last statement took the words out of my mouth. Sometimes we know the answer, we just need reassurance to act upon our findings. We enter into a relationship for companionship, love, support, etc. but that does not mean that we are no longer an individual who deserves to be treated with respect and allowed to interact with other people.

          He is controlling. Not always, but often when a person accuses their partner of cheating on a continual basis, it is because THEY have something to hide. It sounds like he has a low self-esteem and the only way he can make himself feel big is by putting you down and trying to make you feel like nobody else would want you. You deserve better than being belittle continually.


          • He isn't going to change unless he is motivated enough. And even then it will be tough and will require some professional help. If you want to give him any chance at all, I would suggest the following.

            See a lawyer by yourself and work out a suggested custody, support and property agreement the lawyer thinks you will be able to get

            Present it to him and say, "I have worked this out with my attorney. However, I would prefer we stay together and fix our relationship. So I will delay following through with this for six months (or more if you prefer) under the following conditions."

            He moves out (it sounds like his parents live near by)
            He attends counseling weekly for at least 6 months
            The two of you meet under conditions suggested by the counselor
            He sees the kids under conditions suggested by the counselor

            Then present him with the name of a couple of counselors in your area who are known to be good with these issues. You can meet with them first if you like.

            At the end of six months, if he proves (with receipts or letters from the counselor) that he has attended and he shows significant improvement you will join him for counseling and work toward him moving back into the house.

            You didn't say he was violent yet but, as others have said, he shows the classic signs of an abuser or abuser to be, so protect yourself (and your children) with a restraining order. If you are close enough to his family, you might try having this meeting with them in the room.

            Good luck



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