Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Do I really want a divorce?

Collapse
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Do I really want a divorce?

    Last night our 19 yr old daughter who's at Uni, announced she was actually bi-sexual. So we have that to accept and deal with.

    Then hubby started getting irate with ME (he hates that she's "having a good time at Uni" and spending money like it's going out of fashion) He said I "never do anything" and that I should get a full time job (I work part time and do a couple of voluntary jobs) I should do more exercise (I turn my nose up at a walk in the sunshine) and that I should stop "guzzling" wine at the weekend (I don't know when to stop)

    I've not been 100% happy for some time (maybe due to the lack of exercise/wine/working more hours) and feel our marriage could not be better (I would never have said it was a "match made in heaven) So with the recent announcement from our daughter, I was feeling extra low and unhappy, so I took it out on him and said I want a divorce.

    He's not said no.........

  • Instead of retaliating...two wrongs never make it right...why don't you try doing ALL of those things....like exercising, which naturally releases endorphines in the brain that boost your mood...stop or greatly reduce your alcohol consumption...make it a treat and not a staple in your diet...and go find full time work that interests you and utilizes the talents that you have.

    You did say that your daughter is at "Uni"...so I assume that you don't have any other children at home.

    You'll feel better about you, your situation, your contribution to your daughter at "Uni" and I'll bet you''ll find the world around you more appealing too.

    So apologize for what you said in a moment of anger, get over it, and get on with living the life you were meant to live. One that is rich, full of fun, laughter and all of the joy that life gives us!!

    Your body is a temple...treat it accordingly!
    Last edited by Seeker_Advice; 11-20-2012, 04:40 AM. Reason: typos

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Seeker_Advice View Post
      Instead of retaliating...two wrongs never make it right...why don't you try doing ALL of those things....like exercising, which naturally releases endorphines in the brain that boost your mood...stop or greatly reduce your alcohol consumption...make it a treat and not a staple in your diet...and go find full time work that interests you and utilizes the talents that you have.

      You did say that your daughter is at "Uni"...so I assume that you don't have any other children at home.

      You'll feel better about you, your situation, your contribution to your daughter at "Uni" and I'll bet you''ll find the world around you more appealing too.

      So apologize for what you said in a moment of anger, get over it, and get on with living the life you were meant to live. One that is rich, full of fun, laughter and all of the joy that life gives us!!

      Your body is a temple...treat it accordingly!
      Thank you, this is the obvious thing to do isn't it. I am going to attempt to try all of those things!!

      Comment




      • As we don't have allot of info, we can assume certain things, correct us if wrong .

        Are you and Hubby supporting the daughter at Uni ? Is that why he is upset ? Does he feel she is out partying on his " dime " ?
        And that you should get a full time job to help out with her support . If so, maybe you two should talk to daughter and explain she needs a part time job herself . I hope he recognizes that your Volunteerism is maybe not a paid job, but it is needed and paying it forward, by helping others. And he should realize you are not donating his money or yours, you are donating your time and your love of others .

        Does he have deeper moralistic issues with her being Bi~Sexual ? If so , he may be lashing out at you and blaming you for her Adult Choices of Sexuality .Hopefully he will understand her sexual choice has nothing to do with you or him or how you guys parented her . It wouldn't shock me if someday she said she was 100% Lesbian . This Bi thing just may be " Testing the Reactions " from you and dad . Possibly be prepared for that . ahead of time. Strive to love her as your daughter, not on what gender she chooses to love .

        On the Weekend Wine Marathon, is he correct in what he says. Is it causing any hidden problems ?
        If so , cut down, unless you feel you have problem , alcoholism , you should be able to taper down without issue .
        A friend/ co worker of mine, used to be a weekend Wino, lol . She didn't want to do anything but sip her wine all day, stayed house bound and her hubby wanted to go out and do things . It was a strain on their marriage .
        So they talked and they came up with a solution . They decided to not buy store bought wine, but to make it themselves .Making wine at home can be a fun and rewarding experience. Though the entire process takes more than a month, depending on the type of wine you are making and the recipe you are using,

        So they got into researching how to, buying grapes, visiting Winery's together. it brought them closer and when their Wine is finished, they both take what they call a " Wino Day/ Weekend ". It's usually once a month or every 6 weeks, depending on the recipe . That's usually the Days they do the " Wild Thing " lol


        On the exercise, join a Gym , many gym memberships are as low as $25 a month.

        I agree with Seeker, apologize and explain that you struck out from anger and frustration .Talk with him about your daughter, maybe ( if you are interested ) talk about making Wine making a hobby you both can share . Join that gym together or even have a Sunday morning Jog with each other or bicycles can be fun and good exercise, take a weekend morning ride .


        I don't think it sounds like you two are Divorce bound, you are just in a Rut and need to address the issues and try to rebuild the marriage to a more comfortable spot. Reunite and be each others strength, if daughter throws the Lesbian Whammy at you . Discuss how you will handle it, if it does happen , Support each other and her . Emotionally that is , and it's time she learns to help support her self financially . ( this of course if she is not already doing so herself ).

        Remember and tell yourselves daily, " United we Stand, Divided we Fall " .

        Good Luck




        Comment


        • Originally posted by BabyGirl View Post


          As we don't have allot of info, we can assume certain things, correct us if wrong .

          Are you and Hubby supporting the daughter at Uni ? Yes Is that why he is upset ? Probably Does he feel she is out partying on his " dime " ?Most definitely!
          And that you should get a full time job to help out with her support . I think so, but also because he thinks I have "too much time on my hands" Which I haven't really. Someone's gotta keep the house tidy.... But he says "you shouldn't get it messy in first place!" He's tidy you see, keeps his own stuff neat and tidy, prides himself on rarely providing any laundry for me.If so, maybe you two should talk to daughter and explain she needs a part time job herself . It was HIS decision that daughter doesn't need a job whilst at Uni, but definitely in the holidays she gets. This is so she can study... but all he seees is her partying.I hope he recognizes that your Volunteerism is maybe not a paid job, but it is needed and paying it forward, by helping others.Totally agree! And he should realize you are not donating his money or yours, you are donating your time and your love of others .And it gets me out of the house and keeping busy!

          Does he have deeper moralistic issues with her being Bi~Sexual ?Working on this one, we are quite old fashioned and just want our kids to grow up "normal" and get married and have kids so we can have Grandkids. If so , he may be lashing out at you and blaming you for her Adult Choices of Sexuality .Not sure why he would blame me, but he blames me for most things! As I blame him too.Hopefully he will understand her sexual choice has nothing to do with you or him or how you guys parented her . It wouldn't shock me if someday she said she was 100% LesbianYes this does concern me greatly! . This Bi thing just may be " Testing the Reactions " from you and dad . Possibly be prepared for that . ahead of time. Strive to love her as your daughter, not on what gender she chooses to love .

          On the Weekend Wine Marathon, is he correct in what he says. Is it causing any hidden problems ?I can get aggressive, usually with him, when I have too many to drink, which he doesnt like, as he rarely gets inebriated. So I get annoyed with him for "not letting his hair down!"
          If so , cut down, unless you feel you have problem , alcoholism , you should be able to taper down without issue .
          A friend/ co worker of mine, used to be a weekend Wino, lol . She didn't want to do anything but sip her wine all day, stayed house bound and her hubby wanted to go out and do things . It was a strain on their marriage .Luckily I'm not that bad
          So they talked and they came up with a solution . They decided to not buy store bought wine, but to make it themselves .Making wine at home can be a fun and rewarding experience. Though the entire process takes more than a month, depending on the type of wine you are making and the recipe you are using,

          So they got into researching how to, buying grapes, visiting Winery's together. it brought them closer and when their Wine is finished, they both take what they call a " Wino Day/ Weekend ". It's usually once a month or every 6 weeks, depending on the recipe . That's usually the Days they do the " Wild Thing " lol
          Interesting, we have done the whole wine making thing, but not sure it would solve the problem, I would probably drink more

          On the exercise, join a Gym , many gym memberships are as low as $25 a month.Totally agree!! I need to do some exercise which would help.

          I agree with Seeker, apologize and explain that you struck out from anger and frustration .Talk with him about your daughter, maybe ( if you are interested ) talk about making Wine making a hobby you both can share . Join that gym together or even have a Sunday morning Jog with each other or bicycles can be fun and good exercise, take a weekend morning ride .He's a great bike rider, and I love it too in the summer when it's warm.


          I don't think it sounds like you two are Divorce bound, No, it just feels like it sometimes, but thank you.you are just in a Rut and need to address the issues and try to rebuild the marriage to a more comfortable spot. Reunite and be each others strength, if daughter throws the Lesbian Whammy at you . Discuss how you will handle it, if it does happen , Support each other and her . Emotionally that is , and it's time she learns to help support her self financially . ( this of course if she is not already doing so herself ).

          Remember and tell yourselves daily, " United we Stand, Divided we Fall " .

          Good Luck





          Thank you for your response, as you can see I've replied in bold (hope it shows through)

          Comment


          • I personally think that it is great that your daughter had the guts to state her claim, whom she is. That means she is assertive and that means that she felt she could be honest with her parents.

            You know, there is nothing to accept, other than your daughter for who she is, I suspect more so it was a shock and once it sinks in that is how you will think.

            Alcohol is a depressant. It honestly brings you down. But, then you have to ask yourself why you chose to drink it in the first place, if it is a ritual, weekends. Obviously you are not happy and this is a way out. It could be to un-wind, it could be that you are there at home with your husband on weekends and can't deal with that fact, so this is a way out...

            Personally, just as I said acceptance of the daughter, there is acceptance of the wife/husband as well. We are who we are and should be loved for who we are and any man that says "loose weight" should look in the mirror because I bet there are an abundance of things that he is slack at himself.

            You don't have to be a model for him hun. But, you should look after yourself "for you" in a healthy way.

            Are you happy in that part time job, do you love the volunteer work, if so good for you if not, exchange some of the volunteer work for a hobby that you love.

            If you are happy with your weight good for you and tell him.. Do not allow words to bring you down, you are your own person. If you are not, not for him but for you, "yeah, I want to do this"...

            I would say there isn't a close bond between the pair of you and I don't know if there was before, ever or if you two drifted together and have drifted apart. All I can say is, marriage takes work and put downs are usually because someone is not happy. If you both want to be happy together, then sit down and nut it out and date again. If you feel that there is no love left, can not be done, look in that mirror and tell yourself you are someone, you are beautiful and work towards some dreams and goals of your own..

            You'll know the answer when it is right
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • PS. BG ALWAYS types in bold and in purple, it's her, well signature
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
                I personally think that it is great that your daughter had the guts to state her claim, whom she is. That means she is assertive and that means that she felt she could be honest with her parents.

                You know, there is nothing to accept, other than your daughter for who she is, I suspect more so it was a shock and once it sinks in that is how you will think.

                Alcohol is a depressant. It honestly brings you down. But, then you have to ask yourself why you chose to drink it in the first place, if it is a ritual, weekends. Obviously you are not happy and this is a way out. It could be to un-wind, it could be that you are there at home with your husband on weekends and can't deal with that fact, so this is a way out...

                Personally, just as I said acceptance of the daughter, there is acceptance of the wife/husband as well. We are who we are and should be loved for who we are and any man that says "loose weight" should look in the mirror because I bet there are an abundance of things that he is slack at himself.

                You don't have to be a model for him hun. But, you should look after yourself "for you" in a healthy way.

                Are you happy in that part time job, do you love the volunteer work, if so good for you if not, exchange some of the volunteer work for a hobby that you love.

                If you are happy with your weight good for you and tell him.. Do not allow words to bring you down, you are your own person. If you are not, not for him but for you, "yeah, I want to do this"...

                I would say there isn't a close bond between the pair of you and I don't know if there was before, ever or if you two drifted together and have drifted apart. All I can say is, marriage takes work and put downs are usually because someone is not happy. If you both want to be happy together, then sit down and nut it out and date again. If you feel that there is no love left, can not be done, look in that mirror and tell yourself you are someone, you are beautiful and work towards some dreams and goals of your own..

                You'll know the answer when it is right
                Thank you Chandlers Wish. Sorry for before when you couldn't see my replies in bold in the previous post. I was in a rush and couldn't correct it. I may go back and change it after if I have time.

                The main thing to "accept" with my daughter being "who she is," which I am told is "not a choice," but I reckon if she hadn't gone to an all girls school where some of her friends (and others no doubt) were bi or gay, if one of her closest friends at Uni (a boy) was not gay, she would've probably not gave it a second thought. So.... as I was saying about the "main thing" it's the fact that hubby + I are unlikely to be GRANDPARENTS now!!!! What if our Son (nearly 17) picks up on all this "nonsense" and decides HE'S bi or gay too???

                There's too much openness with today's kids. Both my kids reckon this is pretty "normal" for them!

                Yes I do reckon I use alcohol to "blot things out!" But it does leave me feeling washed out for a few days afterwards, so that just makes the situation worse. I am well aware of that!

                And yes, my hubby and I do need to accept each other.... sometimes that's difficult.

                As for volunteer work, well I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it would I? Who'd do a volunteer job for no money if they didn't enjoy it? So yes I love it. One is a new found hobby that is my passion. I just need to do more hours at it really! I always feel great after I've done that.

                Comment


                • Here's my responses in BOLD...

                  As we don't have allot of info, we can assume certain things, correct us if wrong .

                  Are you and Hubby supporting the daughter at Uni ? Yes Is that why he is upset ? Probably Does he feel she is out partying on his " dime " ?Most definitely!
                  And that you should get a full time job to help out with her support . I think so, but also because he thinks I have "too much time on my hands" Which I haven't really. Someone's gotta keep the house tidy.... But he says "you shouldn't get it messy in first place!" He's tidy you see, keeps his own stuff neat and tidy, prides himself on rarely providing any laundry for me.If so, maybe you two should talk to daughter and explain she needs a part time job herself . It was HIS decision that daughter doesn't need a job whilst at Uni, but definitely in the holidays she gets. This is so she can study... but all he seees is her partying.I hope he recognizes that your Volunteerism is maybe not a paid job, but it is needed and paying it forward, by helping others.Totally agree! And he should realize you are not donating his money or yours, you are donating your time and your love of others .And it gets me out of the house and keeping busy!

                  Does he have deeper moralistic issues with her being Bi~Sexual ?Working on this one, we are quite old fashioned and just want our kids to grow up "normal" and get married and have kids so we can have Grandkids. If so , he may be lashing out at you and blaming you for her Adult Choices of Sexuality .Not sure why he would blame me, but he blames me for most things! As I blame him too.Hopefully he will understand her sexual choice has nothing to do with you or him or how you guys parented her . It wouldn't shock me if someday she said she was 100% LesbianYes this does concern me greatly! . This Bi thing just may be " Testing the Reactions " from you and dad . Possibly be prepared for that . ahead of time. Strive to love her as your daughter, not on what gender she chooses to love .

                  On the Weekend Wine Marathon, is he correct in what he says. Is it causing any hidden problems ?I can get aggressive, usually with him, when I have too many to drink, which he doesnt like, as he rarely gets inebriated. So I get annoyed with him for "not letting his hair down!"
                  If so , cut down, unless you feel you have problem , alcoholism , you should be able to taper down without issue .
                  A friend/ co worker of mine, used to be a weekend Wino, lol . She didn't want to do anything but sip her wine all day, stayed house bound and her hubby wanted to go out and do things . It was a strain on their marriage .Luckily I'm not that bad
                  So they talked and they came up with a solution . They decided to not buy store bought wine, but to make it themselves .Making wine at home can be a fun and rewarding experience. Though the entire process takes more than a month, depending on the type of wine you are making and the recipe you are using,

                  So they got into researching how to, buying grapes, visiting Winery's together. it brought them closer and when their Wine is finished, they both take what they call a " Wino Day/ Weekend ". It's usually once a month or every 6 weeks, depending on the recipe . That's usually the Days they do the " Wild Thing " lol
                  Interesting, we have done the whole wine making thing, but not sure it would solve the problem, I would probably drink more

                  On the exercise, join a Gym , many gym memberships are as low as $25 a month.Totally agree!! I need to do some exercise which would help.

                  I agree with Seeker, apologize and explain that you struck out from anger and frustration .Talk with him about your daughter, maybe ( if you are interested ) talk about making Wine making a hobby you both can share . Join that gym together or even have a Sunday morning Jog with each other or bicycles can be fun and good exercise, take a weekend morning ride .He's a great bike rider, and I love it too in the summer when it's warm.


                  I don't think it sounds like you two are Divorce bound, No, it just feels like it sometimes, but thank you.you are just in a Rut and need to address the issues and try to rebuild the marriage to a more comfortable spot. Reunite and be each others strength, if daughter throws the Lesbian Whammy at you . Discuss how you will handle it, if it does happen , Support each other and her . Emotionally that is , and it's time she learns to help support her self financially . ( this of course if she is not already doing so herself ).

                  Remember and tell yourselves daily, " United we Stand, Divided we Fall " .

                  Good Luck

                  Comment


                  • Do you feel you have tried everything to save the marriage? If so, you have no choice but a divorce. But make sure you have tried everything to save it. If you want to save it.

                    Comment

                    or

                    Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                    Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                    Latest Activity On Our Forums

                    Collapse

                    Latest Topics On Our Forums

                    Collapse

                    Working...
                    X