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Was it really JUST an "emotionl affair"?

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  • Was it really JUST an "emotionl affair"?

    Ok everyone this is a long and complicated story so I will try to make it as short and to the point as possible.

    My husband and I have been married 12 years, I'm 30 and he's 29, we have 3 beautiful children 10, 8, and 4. We are both christians. My husband is a full time gospel singer and travels all over the country ministering in song. He started singing with a trio about 3 years ago that consisted of 2 girls, both 20 years old now, him, and a bus driver.

    Well about a month ago I got a copy of all his text messages and phone calls (can't explain how, different long story) from the past year and found out that he's been having an "emotional affair with one of the girls in the group.

    Both girls are really good christian girls and my husband is truly a wonderful christian man. I have always had trust issues with men so I've never fully trusted him, not becuse he's ever done anything in the past for me not to trust him I'm just a very jealous person always have been.

    However, I've always told myself "well if I can't keep him faithful I know God can" because I've always looked up to him as a christian leader of our home. But apparently I was wrong....

    Most of the text consisted of hey what's up, what r u doing today just random things but it was A LOT!!

    One day there were 47 text between the 2 of them!! They told each other they loved one another.

    When confronted they both said it was more of a big brother little sister relationship but alot of the text were personal things such as talking about our marriage.

    We have been going through a rough spot the past year but we've had quite a few tragedies in our family and we were starting to drift a little and I knew we were and I had a feeling that he was getting to close to her and that layed heavy on my heart because he was gone at least 3 days and nights with the group and sometimes for weeks at a time.

    I knew they were never alone long enough for anything really physical like sex because of the other group members. But one text in particular he told her he couldn't wait to hit the road so he could see her.

    My problem is he knows I know what was text because I can read whats printed but I can't read his heart or his mind so I don't know.

    I love this man with my entire being and I want to forgive him and move on but this is the hardest thing I've ever faced.

    He has shut off his facebook and we now share a phone but he is still singing with the group and that is HARD for me, but he has to have a job atleast through Christmas because we still have 3 kids to feed and provide Christmas for and he is quitting at the first of the year.

    He promised me their friendship is over and he will do anything to make our marriage work and he wants us to be like we used to to love one another when we didn't have to love one another.

    We used to be the couple that everyone envied, we were alway affectionate and loving and playful with one another. My question is how do I heal?

    How do I know there was never anything physical not even a kiss? How do I stop thinking about every second of everyday? How do I stop the pain in my heart?
    Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 11-28-2012, 01:21 PM.

  • You decide to do so.

    That's the first step. You also decide to make the necessary changes, in your life and to yourself, either with or without some professional help, that got you to where you are.

    Trust issues and jealousy are poison to any relationship, so you need to address both of those...soon.

    Based on what I've read, I don't really believe that this is a "him" issue, it's more of a "you" issue and the problems you are having with various aspects of what he does.

    Ever been on the road, away from those that you love for any length of time? I have...the road can be a long and lonely place where you feel isolated (I can't imagine being an over the road truck driver for example).

    47 texts in one day? Big deal! I know people who have sent a couple hundred, and they're my age..."baby boomers".

    Talking to her about your marriage and the challenges within it...again, big deal. You're obviously on his mind and so are the challenges the two of you are facing/have faced. Men need a place to vent, share, discuss things too. And while one of his group mates may not have been the "best" choice, they were probably more a matter of convenience than anything else.

    I'm not sure that I understand the "He has to stick with it until after Christmas because we have three kids to provide Christmas for..." (paraphrasing). What's more important "gifts under the tree" or the greatest gift of all...a strong marriage? Gifts can be provided by your fellow church members, as can food, help with the bills, etc. Isn't that a big part of what churches are all about?

    He obviously felt that he was not doing anything wrong by texting his trio mate and IF anything was really going on that was deemed inappropriate by any of the others, don't you think you woud have heard something from one of them?

    Bottom line...You need to address and get help with your trust and jealousy issues first and then start working on your marriage. I honestly don't believe it's as much him as it is you and quite frankly, i think you have made him feel guilty enough that he is saying things and doing things that aren't necessary...like ending his friendship with his trio mate.

    It's just my opinion...but I think, based on what I read that most of the "problems" with the situation above start with you, not him, and are well beyond his control.

    And where in any of this is the "turning it over to God" for his guidance and help?

    You are/can still be the family that everyone "envies" IF you want to be. But you have to decide to deal with the issues that you have allowed to come between you and your husband while he is providing for his family.

    I will keep you in my prayers.


    • Brandy,

      I have a "friend" who is 78 years of age. I am 49. I tell him a lot of things and converse daily, morning and night. The way I see it, and my fiance knows, he looks forward to my messages, talking with me. Sometimes, he is cheeky and I tell my fiance that too and we laugh.. I have coffee with him at least once a month.

      He "is" my friend.. And, he respects my life and often will ask me to say hello to my other half, I share alot with him but nothing about my personal life if you understand as there are boundries in my opinion.

      The point I am trying to make is he is older than me, much like she is much younger than your husband but there is a bond, just not that type of bond and I look forward to sharing his day with me as well.

      He is married and I have spoken to his wife and we will all go out to dinner in the near future.

      Whilst it is not an emotional affair we do both say " I love you " from time to time because we do, just in a different way.

      Your husband is a Christian. Most Christians I know have a lot of love to give.

      Most men I know want to still feel young, attractive and if given that feeling by someone else may accept it, it does not mean they will act on it, their love still belongs to someone else.

      In my opinion, and I understand that you have jealousy issues, you need to remember what people thought of you as a couple and go back to that space.

      All people need love, they all need to feel wanted, they all need to feel attractive, it's nature.

      Forget this and realise that more attention and laughter and love is needed between the pair of you whenever you get the chance to be together because that is all you need to ensure that your partner only has eyes for you...


      • The problem is that in almost every text they ended with "I love you"....and he always deleted everything anytime they text or talked. That to me is hiding. And the other girl in the group is her best friend and she never mentioned any of the texting or talking on the phone to her she hid it from her also. So she knew what she was doing was wrong.


        • He finally admitted to me that they did have a flirtaious relationship and she also became his best friend. The flirting doen't bother me as much as the best friend issue because he has been my best friend for the last 14 years. So to lose my best friend to a chil really hurts. The texts almost always ended in them both saying I love you and the other girl in the group is her best friend and she never told her anything about their "close frendship". Not only was he deleting every text and phone call but so was she, and to me that is hiding something and they knew what they were doing was wrong. We had a big group meeting about the situaion with the pastor that is the owner of the group and the other girl come to me scwalling telling me she swore she knew nothing that had been going on for the past 2 years but if she had she would have put a stop to it. Because when you are married there are boundaries you just don't cross and there are places in your heart that should only be reserved for your spouse and no one else. They have both appologized and ask me for their forgiveness and I have poured my heart out to God begging him to lift this burden from me so that I can forgive the both of them, and I know in time I will but to be honest if I told them right now "I forgive you" it would be in vain, because I don't, but I truly want to. You just don't know how heavy my heart is right now because like I said not only is all this going on but we have had A LOT of tragedies in my family that I'm baring the burden for also.


          • Some girls look at an older man as a Father figure, as in, the man they want to marry reminds them of their Father as it was their Father, the only man, that showed the first love if that be the case.

            Your husband is more in the wrong, as he is not 20 years of age.

            You need to sit down with your husband and ask him why he felt the need to have an emotional affair and you possibly need him to view changing jobs as it appears freedom is not his strength but weakness.



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