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TAke the job or stay in my field for him!?

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  • TAke the job or stay in my field for him!?

    I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. Everything is great! He's going to turn 30 in June and I'm turning 26 this month. I have two children from my ex husband who left my children and I penniless about two years ago. Since I started dating my boyfriend Chris, he's been amazing with both of my kids. There's a problem though.

    I've recently applied to be a 911 operator for the county we live in. I honestly didnt think I'd make it through the crazy hiring process. But low a d behold they've had me sign a conditional offer. I have one more exam and then i enter training for 3 months but its paid training. This job increases my pay by 5.00 an hr.

    My boyfriend has 2 years of school left and he's applied at a school that's about 45 min away. Originally, we planned that I would get this job and wed move closer to his school. I would handle the majority of the bills because he needs to finish his degree. Plus I have family in the area that would be able to help with my kids while we work and go to school. He was on board for like 5 months. Suddenly he's changed his mind. He said he wants to move to chino but doesn't think our relationship will work because our schedules would be opposite with him in class during the day and my shifts would be ten hour shifts. These shifts could be graveyard or day shifts I really don't know yet.

    I asked him how I'm supposed to pay for everything working some lame office job that pays me 14.00 an hour. I wouldn't be able to support myself, two kids and him. He'll get some financial aid to help with bills but he refuses to work while in school.

    Right now he lives with his parents, rent free, and I've found our recently his dad pays for the credit cars he's using to buy gas and beer and cigarettes. His best friend that's a cop shares a cell phone plan with him and pays the bill. So he's graduated this past may and not working or in school until sep 2013. Meanwhile I'm over here trying to make plans financially for us. He flat out told me he doesn't think well live together if he doesn't get into the school he applied to. He says hell go to a college out here and then continue to live with his parents until he can financially afford to move out. I have two kids, I'm cleaning up my credit, id like to buy a home in the next five years. Any advice? I love him to pieces and he's a gentleman. I just feel like he's wrong for saying hell leave If I take the job. He says hell never see me so why would he make himself unhappy. The whole time I'd be supporting him so he could finish school.

  • You obviously have had to take a much more proactive approach than him with regard to money since you've endured the financial rigors of being a single mother.

    It sounds like he is enjoying quite an easy ride at the moment, and since it is not to your detriment and he has the luxury of that option I don;t really see why he wouldn't, if he can graduate debt free then there is no reason why he should give that up.

    If everything is perfect so far and you want the two of you to live together perhaps—if you think he's sincere—you should hold fire and let him graduate school his way and wait until he's ready to buy a place. Commitment, responsibility, and financial pressure are relative terms. You have probably experienced all three of them to a much greater extent than him and having two children are much more eager for security than him. He is also—with all the respect in the world to you and your children—not bound by the same responsibilities as you are, hence despite him being a little older than you he isn't driven by necessity to by a home yet, or move out since it isn't high on his list of priorities. Also, the prospect of living together with you and your children and become an official step dad may be somewhat daunting for him, especially while he focuses on his college education.

    He may also feel slightly emasculated that he can't 'look after' the three of you either, and wants to wait until he's finished college and has a 'proper' job so he can do things the way he wants and not struggle. He's obviously not lazy and has a string work ethic if he's studying hard at his age, or at least has a specific goal he's working towards.

    To summarize, I think you should decide whether you want to wait for him, is he worth it? Will your plans for the future converge in a few years' time? If he is 'with you' for the long haul then some sort of compromise and the guarantee of some sort of commitment from him to you isn't unreasonable, IMO.
    No matter how objective we try to be, we all see through our own eyes...


    • Do you want to lower yourself to his level of finances?

      He lives with his parents, has a mate pay the phone, his Father, his cigs and personal things. Yet, he says if you get the job, it's over. So, that means you too are penniless and will need to find someone to pay for diapers, food, and bills. He wants to bring you to his level because he can not change.

      You have children, love is love but the love of children outways any love. If a man was not prepared to work and help support his "love" and those children and even takes the opportunity of making them a little safer financially, would he be a man worthy, not to me he wouldn't.

      He'd rather you have no money, nothing for the kids, do what he wants, take money from people and have company....yours.

      Take a serious look at this.


      • I'm definitely on board with CW. He is a 30 year old boy whose parents and friend pays his way because he REFUSES to get a job. What??? No self-respecting individual refuses to get a job just because they are in school. I realize that schooling requires one to study and complete homework assignments, but using that as an excuse is a cop-out.

        My boyfriend has 2 years of school left and he's applied at a school that's about 45 min away. Originally, we planned that I would get this job and wed move closer to his school. Suddenly he's changed his mind.
        You both had agreed that you would try to get this job, but HE changed his mind. Where is the "we" discussed blah blah blah is that last sentence. He has two years of school left, refuses to work in the summer or after school, lives with his parents, and lets everyone else foot his bills.

        There is no magic fairy that's going to pay the bills for you and your children. I'm sure you know, but even with financial aid, after the cost of classes and books, there is not a ton of money left over. Certainly not enough to offer you and your children finanacial support. If he was worth his salt, he'd offer to pay for his own gas, beer and cigs. with that money instead of sponging off his parents. I'm not trying to sound mean ---I just think you may want to take a serious look at this situation from another perspective.


        • After reading the original post again, one thing the OP's boyfriend shouldn't be doing is reneging on agreements which have detrimental consequences to the OP since she has children whom she is responsible for. It seems that the OP and her boyfriend are at polar opposites when it comes to responsibilities. He is wrong for throwing a spanner in the works regarding your plans.

          My advice to the OP would be to try and be as independent as possible regarding finances and living arrangements. This guy is actually fortunate to have a girlfriend with his attitude and certainly isn't worth putting your life on hold for. I think you should stick to your guns, go for the job, move closer to your family so your support network and go move forward with your life at your own pace. Your boyfriend isn't (rightly or wrongly, that's your decision) ready/prepared to assume the level of responsibility required of him to play the role in your life you need him to.

          One thing I can tell you is that it's never a good idea in life to wait around for other people. As I said I think you should build your own life and let people in (or throw them out) as it suits you, this guy certainly isn't ready (or capable, at least not yet) of building a life with you, as I said do the best you can alone and with the support of your family and retain as much independence as you can, you will be better off for it.
          No matter how objective we try to be, we all see through our own eyes...



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