[anonymous101]

My husband was supposed to finish work for the year tomorrow. He has so far told me he has wednesday off and planned to start a job with me at home. Then got work for wednesday. He was supposed to finish up on Thurs and meet me at the pool with the kids, but that turned into saying he wouldnt be home before dark. Then he calls me at the pool at 4 in the afternoon, from Home! And proceeds to tell me that he has offered to work on Friday...which was his official start to the holidays! And straight after that, is his work party, which his boss invited our whole family to, but my hubby has told me not to go, because I was upset that the first bit of time we could have together all week was going to be with a couple of his mates and a bunch of strangers.
Now he is telling me I was rude to him, and he has been hot and tired. Therefore, I am guessing that should excuse the lack of involvement with the family, and the angry shots that we have gotten from him all week.
We are supposed to be leaving in 4 days to drive 12 hours so we can spend a week with his family, then we are back a few days before he goes back to work. He keeps telling me I can have time with him then (like he is a prize). But our holidays are rotten. He is always cranky, and I have deduced it is because he has to spend time with me. He doesnt get mad at the kids, just me. And when we are home, he keeps busy on the property usually.
Am I wrong for getting frustrated by the constant changing of plans? Yes I know work is really important. But shouldn't I be too? Am I being selfish by wanting to be with him when he has a break from work, because I look at other husbands and they look happy with their family, sometimes. Every time I get upset at him never being available to do something with me, even on the weekends, he gets really angry. I see it as training...like a dog with treats, but he is trying to teach me not to want him.
I live my own life, and dont think I am living for him. I have fun with the kids and get everything done. Make time for myself, and have friends I enjoy spending time with. But I feel like the only one in the relationship thinks spending time together is a good thing.
Have I acted irrationally by getting annoyed that he has changed yet another plan that affects my expectations? He tells me I am.

[jns]

What kind of work does he do? What are his obligations to his work?

[anonymous101]

What kind of work does he do? What are his obligations to his work?

He is a tradie. He isnt the foreman nor hold any other leadership role. Basically, if he doesnt turn up, he doesnt get paid, except this side job isnt one his crew is doing because they have finished up. I am just tired of being the bad guy for wanting him energized enough to be with our family. He gives all he has to people who dont care and leaves me with the cranky leftovers.

[Pollon]

Be honest. Are you enjoyable to spend time with? Or does he see you as an endless abyss of need always asking him to do this or that or complaining about something?

[rcoreyus]

The balance between family and work is difficult. Its easy to say "family should come first", but depending on the situation that isn't always true. There are bills that must be paid, and hard work now can lead to promotions that will make life significantly better in the future. Was the 10 years I spend working ridiculous hours and not spending much time at home worth it for our current situation where we have lots of time together with enough money and flexible schedules to travel all over the world? I can't even answer that for myself, so I certainly can't answer it for anyone else.

[DreamP346]

I have been in your situation and know what it feels like. Your husband is really stressed out with all of life's obligations. He has to try hard to make money. He has to be a good father, friend, relative. You are the one person he does not have to make an effort with because he feels comfortable with you and loves you. Doesn't sound fair does it! He probably just takes you for granted and given that he has so much to do, doesn't put any effort into your relationship. Then when you get mad at him for not making time, it makes him want to spend less time with you.

Give him his space, but also have a serious talk with him. Remember not to get emotional and angry but to lay it out straight that you are willing to compromise and give him his space, but he also needs to show that you are a priority in his life and that he needs to show that he is making an effort. Everybody has different ways of dealing with life's stresses. You may be able to get your work done and still make time with family a priority. But your husband may not be able to. He is looking at things very linearly and only thinking of one thing at a time - work/money. He is not looking at the big picture of fitting work, family and personal time.

You have a reason to be angry, but at the same time the anger will not help you. Try to reason with your husband. good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

anon, you have had some good responses since your last post, it would be great if you returned to answer those, so that our members can offer further thoughts to your situation.

Apart from time however, how often do you ever laugh together, do something "together" ... It sounds as if you want him to be there for the children as a "family" but you are self sufficent in being by yourself, possibly caused by him. Perhaps you have grown apart.

[anonymous101]

anon, you have had some good responses since your last post, it would be great if you returned to answer those, so that our members can offer further thoughts to your situation.

Apart from time however, how often do you ever laugh together, do something "together" ... It sounds as if you want him to be there for the children as a "family" but you are self sufficent in being by yourself, possibly caused by him. Perhaps you have grown apart.

thanks for the responses.. I felt understood. I think he can only focus on one thing. and he is a stayer, meaning if I disappeared for 6 months, he would still be there when I returned. I am not as sturdy as that and need the regular connection to know something is still alive. I feel like things can get lost too easily if they are not maintained. ruts grow into chasms that cant be repaired. People change and I love him and dont want it to be too late. I just dont see things as constant. And he makes me feel like a person when he 'sees' me, where as the children put me under so many labels that I lose who I truely am. Also he looks so happy when he is being part of this with me. He needs it too but puts alone time first.
Anyway, thanks again, and I will make sure i am worth being around and he is aware it doesnt have to be deep connections, just little light ones.