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Completely Disgusted

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  • Completely Disgusted

    I have this huge hole in my heart and this knot in my stomach that will not go away at all! So my story...I am engaged to the love of my life. We have been together for a year and a half and have lived together for a year. I am 10 years his senior, which at times is hilarious, but most of the time it's not even an issue. About a month ago I recieved some disturbing news via my Instagram. Apparently my love was cheating on me. He was having an affair with a woman since April. He was unemployed at the time, and I had lost my interest in sex. I just didn't feel it...so he would take this woman to his mothers house during the day while I was working. This was going on until a "third party" reached out ot me to let me know they had been seeing each other, that she was in love with him and that she was pregnant with his twins. My heart is so broken. How could he sit in the house with me night after night, playing with my daughter ( I have a 2 1/2 year old who calls him Daddy and absolutely adores the ground he walks on) so how could he do that to us? We have a family. To make matters worse, the woman knew he was in a relationship. when I first found out about it, he even had her call me to say they were just friends and that they weren't sexually involved! Then when he wouldn't leave me for her she got mad and spilled all the beans. He shared so much of our personal life with her, my short comings, our financial situations..just everything. Id on't know what devastates me more, the fact that he slept with someone, lied to me, was able to make me believe him daily, the pregnancy, I mean the list goes on and on..still in all this, I love this man. I love him like I've loved NO MAN ever!!!! And I am extremely experienced and have dated and loved a lot in my lifetime. Now a days, I torture myself...I constantly look at the emails she sent me, I go to her facebook page and look at her pictures...she's so unattractive..I am extremely beautiful., smart, funny, great cook, great friend, hilarious..I mean I don't mean to toot my own horn, but toot toot...He swears to me he doesn't contact her, he swears it's over and that he loves us and that he only wants us...but now she's pregnant and these babies will be here next July...what about them? He's making it seem as though he's not going to help her or see his children..and as a mom I just can't stand for that..but how do I reconcile all this within myself? I know I want to be with him, but a part of me wants him to hurt every single day for what he's done to me and my daughter and the little family we have built. HIs family adores us, and if they knew what he did they would disown him...his mother and I are GREAT friends adn I was soo tempted to tell her what is going on, but I knwo how upset they will be with him. this is the hardest thing I 've ever dealt with in my life...can someone please offer me any advice on how to move forward without holding on to this forever.....

  • Firstly, a Big Hug to You !
    I'm sorry you are going through this .

    There are many issues to think about here .
    First, do you really think you can forgive him, start over and trust him again ?

    Once you make that Decision,you and he need Couples Counseling if you plan to stay together .
    You both need to get to the root of why he strayed. This is not on you, more on him as he evidently does not have the love in his heart for you to go through the " Lack of Sex " time and stay faithful to you .

    A year and a half relationship is really not that long. The 10 year age difference, could be a factor, depending on your ages. If he's a young 20 and you a 30 Something, he may not be mature enough to make a true, lifelong Commitment . He may just be Sowing his Oats .

    Whether she is " unattractive" to you or not, isn't really an issue, for if you are Very Attractive and that mattered , he would not have strayed in the first place . Something in his mind was missing within the relationship with you . Not in anyway am I saying this is your fault, but whatever was missing could be a factor ( Not an Excuse or Reason ) to him to go find what he " Thought " he needed, somewhere else .

    On the Possibility of him being the father of her Twins.
    This seems a bit odd, since you said " about a Month ago " , which made it about Thanksgiving time, That she said she was Pregnant with his Twins . With the baby(s) due in July , It was very early to even say that there were twins on the way , **************************************************************** this of course being if you were told this in November . It usually takes an Ultra Sound to determine Twins and that is usually done about 3 months in. Not always but Usually . So the Twin factor would be coming up in January if you do the Math of 9 months gestation.

    So , he needs to demand a paternity test, to prove these or this Child is even his. She may just be trying to get you two to break up, so he's " Free " and Obligated to be with her for their " Children/Child.
    Your being a Mother yourself and understanding the Child's/Children's needs of a father in their lives, is commendable.

    Can you see yourself the Step Mother of another Child/ Children ? Can you see yourself watching and sharing his love of his Child/ Children , throughout the next 18 years . And not holding any Grudge against them , not having any doubt that when he picks them up for Visits , that he will not get " Roped " in again , that he will not just have a " Quickie " for old times sake , with her ?

    Your daughter loves him and calls him Daddy , can you see her learning to love her Brothers or Sisters and knowing they are his but not yours and accepting them as Family to her . ( in the future of course ) .

    If the Child/ Children are His, he needs to be in their Lives, he needs to Support them both Financially and Emotionally. You will also not be able to hide this from his Mother and Family . They will eventually know the Truth . Then they will have to also accept that he strayed and they will have to make their own decision on how they feel about it .
    After all , if True, these will be Grandchildren/ Nieces or Nephews. They will also have to make the Decision, to help with the Child/ Children ,in the Love and Acceptance part at least .

    When you say you Love him, is this Unconditionally ?
    Does this mean that he can do this again and you will Forgive him again and maybe again ?
    You need to search your soul in this . Like I said 1 1/2 years is not that long . When you decide he is the One for You, make sure you are The One For him .. The Only One !!

    I wish you the Very Best . Take your Time, Think it over, It is not only Your Future but your Daughters . She's only 2 1/2. She could love another Daddy, allot easier than having you go through this Turmoil . And You can find someone you don't have to go through this ever again with .

    It may be him, but it will take allot of Work to have that happen .


    • Hi QJ.

      I think we all deserve respect. And, if in a relationship especially so young, growth and togetherness in that growth.

      Let's say you are 33, he is 23.. You've had a lot of loves in your life, but has he? That would have put him at 21 for instance. And, even if we up it, 38, 28.. therefore 26, what occured in his life to 26?

      It sounds to me as if, he has a hard time of the word committment, children as well are committment and not only did he nearly lose, the love of a little one that he met at only 1, he will more than likely not get to know his twins throughout their lives either. That's irresponsible, immature and dis-respectful.

      So, what is it you love about him?

      Can, he truly use the "un-employed, you also were off me sexually" as a reason, depression and not getting sex?

      On the same accord, 1 and a half years and you went off sex from him? Most are still in their honeymoon stage of "lust" still to a fair degree...

      I think there are a lot of questions here for you to soul search.


      • Thank you so much for your responses..to answer the age question...he is 27 and I am 37 and I do believe a lot of this has to do with his age and life experiences..he is divorced. he got married at 18 and divorced at 24, he's always been in long term committed relatinships. I asked him if he thought he needed some time alone so that he could have some fun, see what's out there and then decide if he wants to settle down. Of course he adamantly turned that offer down, he says I'm the one. He says that he's never loved anyone the way he loves me and that he's prepared to spend the rest of his life proving this to me. Now the he's working, things are so much better with us financially, all that strain is off my shoulders and my libido has definitely returned. His excuse for cheating of course was I wasn't giving him any attention, I wasn't being warm and loving. And I will admit I wasn't. It was not a conscience decision though..it's like I looked up one day and realized I was doing everything and my libido went zap! Gone just like that...but like I said it has returned. I think because I'm 37 and lord knows I have had my share of relationships, I know that every relationship is going ot have problems..that lots of people cheat and couples move forward...the twist for us now is the pregnancy which again could have happened to anyone but it happened to us and it changes things drastically. I am still committed to trying to make our relationship work. The woman has been requesting him to attend her prenatal appts..it's forbidden. I explained to her that his emotional support during her pregnancy will not be extended...that at the time of birth a paternity test will be administered and then a court petition for visitation and a support order will be issued...I don't have time to play her emotional games with him or me...she's being extremely antagonising..she was aware he was in a relationship, she was meeting him a block away from our home to pick him up for their liasons, she was texting him in secret code so I wouldn't know what was being discussed so she had a nice hand in the deciet as well..I'm a Mom, so I know that children need both thier parents. I am honestly moving toward healing where the cheating is concerned..I just can't promise him how I will react when I have to see him interact with her and the babies when they get here..to add insult to injury we were trying to conceive as well and I told him I don't know if it's such a good idea now. At this point we are trying to see if we can work past this. It's difficult, and I do think somewhere deep inside that I'd rather struggle through this hard time to get to better times because this man has been one of the best I've had up until this craziness....


        • I imagine he felt / feels he is in a good relationship. You are older, wiser but still young.

          If he was with one person from 18 - 24 and you met pretty much 18 months after his breakup, and he's now engaged to someone else, I think your intuition is correct. Perhaps, he felt this was going to go down the same road? The love, intimacy had vanished? His relationship with you will too?

          People are human. Men have emotions and fears as well.

          Stress does play a huge part and role on our lives but we can't let it own our lives and therefore reduce our lives to "friendship"..

          Relationships are hard at the best of times but just like a job, it is work.

          Best wishes, I think you can jump over this. If you concentrate on being two souls as one, the other woman will never be able to be anything other than what she was, something on the side. Our hearts are deep, sex is well, cheap

          As for the twins, have him have a paternity test later.. Just in case, but obviously she did that deliberately. I think. I mean what was keeping him with you in her eyes, not his, hers. The little one.

          Women can be conniving when they are trying to get something they want no matter if there is someone else's toes that they have to tread on. I am sure you have been in that situation before, as many a woman has.

          Not withstanding, cheating is cheating... But, sometimes we have to look deeper.



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