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would it be so bad...

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  • would it be so bad...

    if we didn't invite my fiance's father (my future father-in-law) to our wedding reception/party?

    My fiance and I having a courthouse ceremony in the summer time and the following weekend, we are having a reception/party at our house for our friends and family (since court house limit the number of guests).

    I have posted before about his father. We lived with him for four years to take care of him because he is mentally just gone. He's had a couple of strokes, suffers from psychosis, depression, and kleptomania (the inability to refrain from stealing things). He won't take his medication. We have since moved out because he was getting to be too much for us to handle. He really needs to be in assisted living but the power of attorney (my fiance's grandmother) refuses to get him more help and is living in a dreamland that one day he will wake up and just be normal again. As heartless as this might sound, the man is absolutely disgusting. He has ZERO personal hygiene skills. In the four years we lived there, he showered less than ten times. He never washes his hands, he eats rotten moldy food from the trashcan, he brought him trash everyday and hoards it, etc. The thing that bothered me the most was his klepto. When we lived there, we had to lock up EVERYTHING of ours or he would steal it. Make up, clothes, food, shoes (yes), our dog's toys, tools, you name it. If it was left out, it would guarantee we would never see it again. He stole other people's things too - he has drawer fulls of cell phones, sunglasses, Ipods, a few wallets, etc...

    The problem I have with him coming to our home for our wedding reception is that I do not want to babysit him. I do not want to have to worry about our personal things as well as our guests because of one man. The fact that he never showers or washes his hands really bothers me - I don't want him touching the food and serving utinsels. He eats like a pig - he is skinny as a rail - but since we are having our party catered, we cant afford for him to eat enough for six or seven people - which he does at every family gathering.

    I do not mind him coming to our ceremony, but I do not want him in our home. I do not want to have to lock up our guest's things, and even if the guest belongings were locked up, he would still have access to other rooms in the house or cell phones or whatever else he could find. I just do not want the stress of it. We can talk to his power of attorney about it - the main caretaker of him - but in the past when we've tried talking to her about him, she gets extremely defensive and irritable.

    Any suggestions????

    He is divorced. I am very close to his ex-wife (my future mother-in-law) and her husband of five years. We might talk to them about it and see what they suggest since they are still very much involved in his life.
    "Look both ways before you cross the street"

  • Is there any way that a nurse from a assisted living hospital could come help? I know that they can help sometimes with going to doctors appts and what not.
    love,
    live life,
    proceed,
    progress

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    • grace, you will have to tell us of your fiance's opinion on this. If he is fine with not inviting his father, go ahead and have the celebration without him. Everything else could be dealt with, but the hygiene issues are a problem. The wedding ceremonies and parties are supposed to be about you two. Don't let someone be an usurper.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Originally posted by jns View Post
        grace, you will have to tell us of your fiance's opinion on this. If he is fine with not inviting his father, go ahead and have the celebration without him. Everything else could be dealt with, but the hygiene issues are a problem. The wedding ceremonies and parties are supposed to be about you two. Don't let someone be an usurper.
        He is supportive - he knows exactly how his father is. They are not particularly close. We just don't want to stir up family drama - because we know if we exclude his father, crap will go down (and if we do include him things will be stolen).
        "Look both ways before you cross the street"

        Comment


        • Originally posted by nicole_3512 View Post
          Is there any way that a nurse from a assisted living hospital could come help? I know that they can help sometimes with going to doctors appts and what not.
          That's a really good idea, I hadn't thought of that!! I hate to exclude him because I don't want to start drama, but I also do not want to stress out on our wedding day. Maybe one of the family members will be willing to watch him, too.
          "Look both ways before you cross the street"

          Comment


          • Then, if you cannot exclude him, maybe you can limit the amount of time he be causing disruption. Maybe having him show up after everything is under way and then leave early, maybe for an all you can eat buffet elsewhere.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


            • Instead of spending so much time and thought on excluding him, why not spend the same amount of time on how to include him?

              I like the idea of hiring a professional to "accompany" him to your special event on your special day.

              I'm not too crazy about the idea of a family member. Who? Why them? They might feel burdened? Could start other drama...

              A trained, knowledgable professional seems to be the best answer to me and well worth the investment.

              Comment


              • Maybe you can get a H. Angel who is seeking employment to accompany your FFIL. Come to think of it, that might work to get him to take his meds. He has made choices in his life and they come with consequences. Do you want to continue enabling his bad behavior.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment


                • It sounds like he has a serious problem.

                  Eating from trash cans? Hoarding mouldy food...

                  Someone has to step up and accept responsibility in my opinion, this is a human being. Maybe he has a form of dementia as well, thinks he is an animal, they don't wash, they steal food to survive and the balance of theft just goes with it.

                  I understand your situation Grace, it is your day and it has to be happy, it's the only time you are going to do it. (Says the lady who is getting married for a second time )..

                  I think he should be included, that the timing of when is the factor and the timing of exit, as well.. I like the Idea of a professional being present, and taking care of this for you, even if it's for 30 minutes and even if he doesn't remember, you guys still lived in his house for 4 years so he should be a part of that day.

                  But, also, "please", ask your future husband to work out something with the family over the living conditions of this man..

                  CW
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Seeker_Advice View Post
                    Instead of spending so much time and thought on excluding him, why not spend the same amount of time on how to include him?

                    I like the idea of hiring a professional to "accompany" him to your special event on your special day.

                    I'm not too crazy about the idea of a family member. Who? Why them? They might feel burdened? Could start other drama...

                    A trained, knowledgable professional seems to be the best answer to me and well worth the investment.


                    ^^^^^ I think I just heard Seeker volunteer to father sit LoL Totally agree trained professional is the way to go, surely it won't cost that much.
                    If you're not learning you're not living!

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post

                      But, also, "please", ask your future husband to work out something with the family over the living conditions of this man..

                      CW
                      Oh trust me, CW, we have definitely tried talking to the family. The power of attorney (my fiance's grandmother) believes that taking him out of his home will "kill him." They said his home is his livlihood. It was bearable for him to live there when my fiance and I did because we would keep it clean and monitor him, but it was getting to be too stressful for us and wearing on our relationship, so we moved out. We are working on getting the Power of Attorney switched over to someone else. I agree, he is a human being and his living conditions are becoming really bad. This is a whole issue in it of itself.

                      But I am going to look into hiring someone professional for even an hour or so to help him. I know that would give me a huge peace of mind knowing someone was watching over him.
                      "Look both ways before you cross the street"

                      Comment

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