[lilmiszn]

I am 23 years old. This is the 2nd serious relationship I've been in. I've been in various relationships in my life, but never got too serious. The first serious relationship is when I started noticing that my anger got a little too much at times. I was best friends with the guy that I started dating beforehand. We were fine then. But the moment I started dating him, we started fighting. Every single day. And most days, I felt this anger and hurt inside me for things he did days ago. And he would come up and start talking to me. And I just knew that I wanted to get mad at him at that moment...no matter how the conversation went, I knew I wanted to yell at him or belittle him. And that, I did. If I was upset over something small...I made it seem like the biggest thing in the world. The sad part was, I already decided I was going to be upset and angry at him for something long before we started a conversation. He eventually broke up with me. I was unable to date seriously for 2 years after that.

Now I finally met the guy of my dreams.m We're engaged. And I thought that the problem was with my ex, not me. But i started this again. Little things blew up. I amplified his small mistakes and made him feel so broken. Him being hurt somehow justified that he hurt me. I promise him that I wouldn't do it again. I apologize the very next day. I told him I have this issue of anger or whatever, and I asked him to remind me that when I do get upset. He tries so ******************************** hard to work with me. But the moment he messes up, I get all mad. I finally found out today after researching online that I am most probably an emotional abuser. I can't afford therapy...specially not now. We are engaged, people would laugh that we're already going to "counsels" before marriage. I love him, and I don't want to drive him away anymore.

WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP...

[jns]

It sounds like this is a control issue or not wanting to get too close. It is passive-aggressive. Is this a learned behavior? Did you see this type of relationship from your mother or someone else you were close to? If so, what was that person doing it for?

[lilmiszn]

My mom can be a little tiny bit controlling, but she is always understanding when something doesn't go her way. My dad isn't like that. I have a aunt that is like that. But there's no reason. She's just like that. I'd just like to know things I can do to avoid being like that. Or books I can be referred to. Just want to take small steps to make sure I can be a better girlfriend/wife.

[jns]

There are techniques to lessen stimulus response that a psychologist can train you in. I think some of them include taking a certain amount of time before responding and then lengthening that cooling off period. I'm not sure if there are help groups for this type of situation (sort of like Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics). Maybe someone else knows.

Are you afraid of getting too close? Getting very close includes ceding some personal control of the situations that involve the two of you since such things will be decided together or by him.

[lilmiszn]

I think the time thing might work. I've talked to him about this, and hopefully together we can work it outi. Like, I know I'm like this. But when something makes me upset or angry... I just cant help but to say things to him to make him feel down or "punish" him by controlling stuff. I think taking time before speaking or doing anything could help a little. But it can also build up for me. So I'm not sure.

I'm afraid of getting close. I was until I met him. I'm not afraid of getting close to him or letting him make decisions or letting him have a say in things. I just am tired of "breaking" him every time I get mad at something.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

How close are you with your parents? What was your up-bringing like....

How close were you with your Aunty who has a simular problem, and how much time did you spend with her.

JNS's thoughts are great and I believe, correct. But, I think you have to find the route of the problem, where it stemmed from in order to be able to let that go, therefore the anger inside of you.

[Jaya]

It does sound like you're attempting to control the situation with emotional abuse. I am a passive aggressive manipulator. It took a **** near mental breakdown for me to see these qualities in myself...it sure is exhausting to try and control your emotions and everybody elses emotions around you! But once you admit your downfalls, it gives you the power of awareness to accept them and then do something to change them. Good for you in taking the first step in realizing that you are an emotional abuser...that is not easy to do. I think the problem lies in the fact that we are so so very afraid to let go of control and be vulnerable because we have been hurt in times past from being vulnerable and of course society tells us that to be vulnerable is a sign of weakness...and who wants to be a weak 'needy' vulnerable girl. But you know what? We have to be vulnerable sometimes because vulnerability is a human emotion! Both for you and for your man...and you know what? The more compassion that you can have for yourself...the better your relationship with him will be because the only reason you are so hard on him is because you are so critical of yourself. Nobody is perfect so just let go of trying to control.