[roadsterguy]

This one is from the husband. This may be a bit long but I will try not to be. I am 49 yrs old and wife is 47. Been together since high school. My wife started hanging out with a new GF and all of her girlfriends about 2 yrs ago. It started out ok, I really like the girls but in my mind it started getting out of hand because the only time they hang out is when the want to go to the bars by their selves. It started out with only being once in a while she would go out to the bars with them but got to be every other weekend or more. They were constantly chasing certain bands that play in town, go to local watering holes ect. As time went on she started saying that I am too skinny. Then it was my legs are so skinny. Then one day she said I have no *** (by the way women have never been able to keep their hands off my *** since high school). Then one day one of her friends commented on my long feet (size 13 but very narrow and flat). My wife said yea he has a pencil **** to her. This stuck with her because she told other friends this afterward. I finally got sick of her saying that (didn't bother me at first because we are always joking around) and I printed out some diff. definitions of what a pencil **** meant and told her no husband wants to hear this. In her defence she thought is meant long and skinny. LOL. Pretty average I'm sure. I have been the same weight (6.3 ft tall, 185 pounds) for the last 25 yrs. Anyway I started wondering in the back of my mind who she is comparing me to. Then one day I found out that she had $6500.00 of debt on one of her credit cards I never see. We always have had a lot of debt and I was finally getting alot paid off. That really bothered me but I took it over from her and have gotten alot paid. There are other things but not important. Finally one night after we had both been out to two other places and she wanted to stop and see her friends at a local bar that she has been to alot, I said Ok just to keep her happy even though I def. could have gone home because I had to work the next day. This place is in a small town where most everyone knows each other. Her friends are good friends with one of her lovers from high school and his wife. Whenever we went there we would just get a diff. table and ignore him. Well this night we ended up sitting with them with my wife knowing I was uncomfortable. Didn't talk with him because was there at a big table. Well my wife saw his brother there also and spent half the time we were there talking old times ect and even gave him a hug. No big deal at first. Then she eventually made it over to where her BF was and talked to him a few minutes. Something had set me off in my mind and I haven't been able to get over it. That night changed me and our relationship since. I think it was just everthing together sending me over the top. Not just any one thing. Since then I have been fighting about this for the last 6 months. I know I just need to forget everything and move on but I have been going nuts about it. It is my every thought since. She finally said she wont go to bars anymore without me and she hasn't. I told her that a wife does not need to be sitting in bars without her husband. I must be getting too old. I have been trying to forget and forgive and was really working at it. Still have my times when I lash out again though. Well the other day she said a friend wants her to stop for a drink around 6:60 or 7 pm which is the time I get home from work. I think if I'm home she could have asked me to come because she said she wouldn't go to bars. She thought I was unreasonable because its just nine mile where we know the owners and go their quite often and know alot of people. I said a bar is a bar is a bar. Ok she didnt go. In my mind I think she is resenting me now even though she is the sweetest lady. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her to go without me until the hurt heals? Am I being just plain unreasonable about everthing? We have talked and talked but I'm still obsessing. How do I move on and get back to being the same as we have alway been. Is there somewhere in between that we can both be happy. Most people are jealous over our relationship. One of her friends called me a tad insecure. Never was but maybe she has made me. My friend said get over it. I guess I just needed to talk even if its to myself.

[Pollon]

Certainly some of the things your wife did/said were insensitive. And I would agree that regularly going to bars without your husband is inherently dangerous to a marriage and potentially disrespectful.

From another angle, however, I ask I'll ask this question to get you thinking from a different perspective or even ask your wife.

Is it possible that you have always been somewhat insecure/sensitive and, knowing this, your wife has been accommodating by limiting her activities and friendships--including ones she enjoys? Then, about two years ago, maybe after seeing some growth in your confidence, she decided to test the waters again and try doing some of the things she had given up for you. Unfortunately, she pushed it a little too far and reignited your insecurities.

[roadsterguy]

She has always been a social butterfly. I dont think I have ever been insecure until that evening 6 months ago. She has always had her friends but everyone gets busy and they didn't spend as much time together. After these other friends came along is when she really started hanging out alot. Like I said I never had a problem until all this came down within the last year. She also started doing some bartending at a local hall for weddings and parties. One night she said she may run a little late and might not make it home until 12 AM and when I woke up at 2am and she is not home or has called or text I was def. mad. That may have even been the start of my insecurity if that is what you want to call it. She normally is attached to that phone. I'm not saying she is fooling around because I dont think would or could do that. But when she had been at this local bar for the last couple years without me and when I do go and she is talking to her ex, I'm thinking when else has she. She claims she hasn't said a word to him in 30 yrs. I know she has lied to me about her past because she has admitted it. Is she lying to me now? Her one friend I have talked to has said she has never done anything that she couldn't tell me

[Pollon]

Given her behavior and the places she chooses to spend time without you, it is reasonable for you to be concerned. Of course that doesn't mean she has done anything wrong, but she puts herself in places that provide plenty of opportunity.

Who are her new friends? Younger, single, divorced, like to party, promiscuous, etc.?

Has your marriage been strong? Bedrooms life good? Has she complained that you don't pay enough attention to her?

[roadsterguy]

Her (our) friends are our age, married and yes like to drink. Our marriage has always been strong, even my daughter said the other day she hopes hers is like ours some day. Even though they are getting worried with me starting up on mom all the time. Something in me snapped that one night and I cant seem to get it out of my mind. Doctor put me on some anxiety med. Bedroom life was good last couple years but not as often as we used to. Lately though it has been couple times a week and good! I hope she isn't thinking I'm taking something out on her, if she is she is enjoying it. She did complain about my friend coming over too often but it's not any more than the last 30 years. She claims she was just happy to have friends to do things with. The only prob. I had was it was always meeting them for a drink at a bar. They hardly come over to have a drink and chat. If my friend comes over we have a drink and smoke in the garage and many times she is there also. She is always welcome. Why am I not included with hers? We all go out as couples once in a while but not much. She hasn't gone out since I finally blew up but I know she is missing it and I dont want her to grow to resent me. Our kids dont depend on us anymore but still at home going to college yet. I was thinking it was finally nice to get to go out alone together but I guess she was thinking it was finally nice to go out alone. Like I said I originally was ok with it but now I'm not. I told her if she feels the need to see and talk to them they should get together at home or go out together on a Saturday afternoon but night time should be couple time. I want to get over this and forgive and forget any of this has happened, I just don't know how.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There is a posibility that as the kids have grown and are no longer dependent she finally, wants to live, let her hair down and you are happy to do things together as a couple. People do change as they get older, some are happy to travel in togetherness, others feel the need to I guess, in a way go backwards, youth.

Working in Hospitality, means most of those people have no life. They work long hours, odd hours and get past feeling tired, a drink to un-wind turns into a second, a third and everyone is chatting away, laughing and feeling better from the long service of the night..

I'm 49, I used to manage Restaurants.

My fiance and I love to go out, eat, drink, come home late. But, we actually enjoy each others company in doing so and we do meet up with others as well, but we also have people over for dinner or go to someone elses for dinner.

Often, my fiance will catch a guy glancing my way, he just smiles "with" me..

There comes a sense of feeling sexy again, alive when you notice admiration at our age but I would never consider cheating nor want to, but it does make me pay more attention to myself when I get ready, no woman likes to get to 50 But, honestly, I am told and feel I don't look it. Inside though it's tough because your body changes and you really still want to feel young and attractive.

Girls also talk together (too much sometimes) And, it sounds as if they nit pick alot, her friends. Hense her comments about your body and well, body parts that's a huge no no, because just as I've explained above about older women, you guys hate feeling fat, flabby, no muscle, skinny, and anything said about your manhood parts.

The debt, I suggest that's always been there, this is nothing new, just another wad of money to reduce again.

The ex.. I think this is where you are stuck.. That in your presence she spoke to her ex. Is that dis-respect? To say hi, ok, but to walk over to him, in your presence? Or was it shock..... And, as such all sorts of things are coming into your mind, questioned and you are even questioning her friends.

My thoughts are. If someone cheats, then and only then do you have to make a decision on how you feel about that, what you then intend to do. Before that, if you decide to put that thought into your brain, it will eat and eat and eat at you to the extent that it will ruin your relationship. It's called fear. Fear of getting hurt.

I would start to understand you are both going down different paths of the journey of getting older..

I would then work out how you both can actually work with that.

I would let her go out because trust is highly important and her knowing that you do, is highly important. But, if it was me, it would be once a month only, out of respect that I was married, a married woman.

I would organise dinner partys at home.

I would also organise weekend holidays just the two of you.

In-other-words, let her have a part of her world, you a part of your world and then a part of the "togetherness" world.

Tell her she is more beautiful today than she was when she was 20, and that you do trust her and that you know she likes to "party" and you are not an old fart And, discuss changing some things about your lives to suit approaching 50's. Do you buy her something here and there just because? Even a simple rose? This can be the best part of your lives, trust me.

[Euphoric]

I like CW's response very much. The only other thing that comes to mind is this. Maybe your wife has grown past the stage of holding onto a petty grudge. She has moved on and so has her ex. Once people have moved on with their lives, there is really no reason to hold onto a ton of resentment, which in turn has a tendency to create baggage that neither one of you want to deal with. If she approached the ex and his brother, in a public place, where you were present, it doesn't seem like she is trying to hide anything. If something were going on, I'd think she would be more careful about any form of public expression.

[jns]

Your wife was unkind with her remarks. Your insecurity is your own.

[Pollon]

I would agree with CW. It sounds like you have become rather passive in the relationship to the point that he choices are to either sit at home with you or go out with friends. If you make some effort to have some more active together time with her, you will both feel better and more secure.

[roadsterguy]

I like all of your comments. I will try to give her back my trust and let her have her free time. It may take some time but I'm working on it. I am actually a bigger partier than she is. I just didn't think I had to do it at a bar. She said I should have just talked to her if I had problems with some of the things that were going on. The last straw that broke the camels back was seeing her talk to her ex because I hadn't seen that before and the fact that she had been hanging at that bar alot made me go crazy. We had fun going out to see some friends Sat. night and then met one of the couples for breakfast Sun. morn. We do alot together, she was just getting a little carried away. I even saw a picture with her and one of the bands together that her and her friends thought they had to see every time they played somewhere and she had her hand on one of them. We have talked alot about it lately and she realized if you put everything together that she can see why it got to me. It wasn't just one thing bothering me. Baby steps. Thanks for all the views and advice.