[JustAWaitingGame]

I need some advice, I have been married for almost two years, when I met my husband he was still a virgin (26) and we didnt start having sex intill we where married (he was a stickler about that, but props to him right?) But anyway, the first six months we had sex alot, maybe 2 times a day, well now we rarely ever have sex. I am worried if he might be conflicted with his sexuality, or if he has a low sex drive. I can say with every confidence, I know he isnt cheating, I have been his only sex partner.

Things that are bothering me:

1. He wont try anything new in sex, he is boring I guess.. I tried to teach him when we first got together but he wont.
2. He has a Premature Ejaculation Problem
3. He is a serious homophobe (to an extreme) but he blushes when we see any man on man action on tv
4.He refuses to touch any part of my body, except my boobs. He has touched my privates like 2 times, and thats cause I begged him.
5. I am Bisexual and he thinks its nasty, and insults me alot about it.


Does my husband have a sexual orientation problem?

[rcoreyus]

I'm afraid this is an example of why I think that waiting for marriage before having sex is not a good idea. There is nothing wrong with his approach to sex. There is nothing wrong with your (I assume) more adventurous approach. The problem is that you do not sound compatible.

It sounds like he is not open to changing how he behaves.

I think that you need to think very hard about how important sex is to you. He may be a wonderful husband in other ways ( you don't say) but I don't think you are every going to have a happy exciting sex life with him. If this is important to you (and it is to most people), then maybe you need to leave now before you get even deeper in than you are now, have children or something else.

Is he gay / bi? Hard to tell, but his homophobia and reaction to male on male intimacy is a hint in that direction.

I am also very concerned that he insults you about your bisexuality. No one should EVER insult the person they love. Your bisexuality is part of you. Since you are in a committed relationship you can't act on your attraction to women any more than you can act on whatever attraction you may have to other men, but there is nothing at all wrong with the interest.

Don't expect things to get better, they may not.

[JustAWaitingGame]

Sex is not the only important thing in our relationship though I must admit, recently I have been getting agreviated with that side of things. In all other ways of our marriage he is a great guy. And I do think that we are not compatible, but I have been divorced before and I really want to make things work this time.

With the bisexual thing he is always saying its gross how can i think like that, and as you said i wouldn't act on it anymore since I am in a committed relationship, but its a part of who I am, and its not something I am or want to change for anyone.

Is there anyway to get him to talk about his sexuality, it just seems strange to me that he was a virgin when I met him and wanted to wait till marriage. (I waited for him, obviously) I know that there are religions that enforce this, but he is not affiliated with any religion that enforces this, so it was his personal choice.


I wonder if couples therapy or something of the similar would be beneficial to us.

[caster]

I think couples therapy might be in order. He seems to have sex issues, not sure where he got his understanding of what's normal, but what you discribe about him not touching you isn't.
PE can be worked through, and learning new stuff is part of the fun.
As far as your bisexuality, why is that an issue? You are married and monogamist with him now, it's not something I would think you'd bring up very often if at all, do you?

Does he have orientation issues? Only he knows that, but it sounds possible.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think personally, this guy does not like women very much, as in respect.

I think that people who don't often view any form of intimacy with "their" woman as something they want to do, as difficult and refuse and won't because unfortunately, and it seems I may be right in this instance as he was a virgin, as someone else has been there.

This is so wrong, don't get me wrong, my ex-husband was very much like this.. EX.

But I think it's a virgin issue. Waited for so long but did not end up with a woman who waited for him, be it male or female on your side of it.

This I believe is where the problem starts .

[rcoreyus]

Couples therapy is worth a try - but I expect you will find that HE doesn't think there is a problem. I spent 25 years in a marriage where my wife had far less interest in sex than I did, and is not something that I would recommend to anyone: the resentment gradually poisons the rest of the relationship. A year or so ago things suddenly got much better ( I still don't know why) and we have a very happy sex life now - but I don't think waiting decades is the right answer.

[Pollon]

CW may be right on this one. People often say they are not concerned with a partner's past relationships. However, when they actually start to learn the details, they start to get either insecure or jealous. When he thought that he would be "good" at sex, your past (bisexual or otherwise) wasn't a big issue. However, when the sex started and you were the dominant/experienced partner, he started to doubt himself.

It sounds like he may feel insecure and inadequate in his bedroom performance. But instead of acknowledging that and letting you help him through it, he rejects the object (you) that he associates with those insecure and inadequate feelings. He won't touch you because he's not sure how. He rejects your bisexuality as nasty because it scares him to think someone else is "better" at pleasing you.

Does he tend to avoid situations, activities or gatherings in which he doesn't feel he will be "good" at it?

Have you tried getting him to relax/or drunk before sex?

His sexuality may be questionable, but that he chose to marry you and there was a period of more sex suggests he can get aroused by women.

[Janice Johnson]

If your husband is having problems with premature ejaculation he should look into Promescent. Its a topical spray that is backed by the leading doctors in sexual dysfunction.

[jslater]

A lot of good advice here. I wanted to mention as well that being a virgin doesn't hold well for me as a reason. It really depends on the person and how much they want to pleasure their partner. I was a virgin marrying my wife in my twenties and even though I was inexperienced I sought out advice from my close friends, read some excellent books that helped quite a bit... but more importantly I had fun experimenting with my wife and I paid close attention to what she liked. Bottom line... I wanted to pleasure her so I made an effort. Sounds like he isn't making the effort and that is very telling. It could be embarrassment from premature ejaculation... it could be lots of things. You really have to tell him how you feel and air your concerns. If he really loves you he will listen... and if he doesn't want to lose you... he WILL make an effort. Don't let the fear of another failed marriage hold u hostage from holding this husband accountable for his actions.