[wife_b]

I would like to first start with some backgroud on my relationship with my husband and my friend

Husband... I used to consider him to be my gift from heaven.. he was perfect to me in everyway... we spent 7 years together(5 as married) alone before giving birth to our child and we spent those years traveling and doing all type of fun activities together... he was always supportive and caring...

Friend: she is 5 years older than me, and when we became friends (5 years ago) I used to feel that she liked to copy me in the way i dress and talk. It was very obvious to me that she had issues with her husband and that she cheated on him with alot of men, inculding his best friend and our colleague at work.. but she always used to act like shes the perfect wife and mother.... her final relationship was with a guy who she herself got a job in the same country live in and also she let him rent out our friends appartment....

this friend used to work with me... and for the past 6 months i felt that she used to look at my husband in a weird way... and she used to be uncomfortable around him... even when he calls me when me and her are together i used to feel shes bothered....

last month when the telephone bills arrived in the pigeon holes at work i stole her fone bill and noticed that she and my husband are talking on regular basis...
and this is wat i got to know::: the reason she called him was to ask him to help her with her ex who was threatening to tell her husband what was between them... it started off like that and it ended up to be them in a relationship together....
i didnt hear her side of the story... I only heard my husbands part.... he told me that it started off him trying to help her and then she started calling and showing intrest in his life... while at that time i just had our baby and i was too busy with the baby so he felt that she was someone he can speak with.....
i dont know what the realtionship was exactly and what they used to speak about... but my husbands swears that there was nothing physical between them.. they only spoke on the fone...

I really want to forgive my husband because i know this is not him.. even my parents told me to forgive him because they know that he is a good person and that he never meant to hurt me...
i cant stop thinking and analysing.. he feels so bad.. i catch him alot of times crying about what he has done...i want to forgive him and move on.. any advise?

[jns]

Was your husband having an emotional affair with this woman? You do not have evidence of a physical affair. If you do not have solid evidence of an affair of some type, why do you call it cheating?

Why do you call her a friend instead of an ex friend? There is a saying that "if you play with fire, your bound to get burned." Keeping this friend around could be construed as setting up the situation. You know she is manipulative and does not respect the boundaries of marriage.

I cannot say what your husband did or did not do, but you seem to accuse him of the worst. With a manipulative woman and a time when you withdrew from him due to the baby (I think withdrawing to some extent is reasonable in those circumstances), it is quite possible he made bad decisions, but maybe not as bad as you say.

Forgive him, if you can and move on.

[rcoreyus]

I agree with JNS. Are you sure your husband wasn't trying to help friend who was in trouble?

OK, take the worst case where he did actually cheat. He started trying to help someone, developed an attachment and things got out of hand. Is that really the end of the world? He loves you, you love him and if you forgive him (if there IS something to forgive), then you get to spend the rest of your life together. This doesn't sound like someone who went looking for an affair, but just fell into one.

If you do decide to forgive, then you need to do so completely. Holding a long term grudge will just lead to long term problems.

You do have the right to leave after this. Just think about what is best for you.

[Ashlee T.]

It sounds to me like the husband has admitted to an emotional affair, by stating that it started off as him just trying to help her, but then she started showing interest in his life and he was feeling neglected due to his wife's attention to the new baby.

Number 1, If you are a person with morals, and you surround yourself with people with none, you will eventually feel the affect of that. She had no morals when it came to cheating on someone she vowed to be faithful to.......why would you think she would hesitate to betray you? This is someone you need to lose out of your life in a big way.

As for your husband, I'm sure he's sorry. People often are when they are caught in the middle of indiscretions. Perhaps it would be good to have a discussion when emotions aren't running so high, to ask him how truly invested he is with this woman and if he's going to be able to let this go and avoid contact with her no matter what? This is a serious blow to the trust you've both worked to establish in your marriage. Sure, a baby changes most everything and a mother WILL spend more time devoted to her baby as opposed to her previous baby (husband )...but a real and honorable man will be right there with her... not sitting back brooding because the baby is getting more attention than him.

[wife_b]

All I can think of now is how to take revenge from this Ex-friend...
She knew that me and my husband are in love... she saw how much effort he used to put to make me happy...
i understand that sometimes ladies may get jealous when they see husbands treat their wifes in a good way... but to try to take ur friends husband just because u like the way he treats ur friend--- i just cant believe this...

its not totally her fault... he let her do this to me.. this is why sometimes i go crazy.. i would have never got hurt if he didnt let her in our life.......

I wish i can go tell her husband (who is a sweet heart btw) your wife is a *****.. shes been cheating on you for the past 4 years!!!!!

[jns]

Instead of dwelling on things and plotting revenge, it may be better to cut her out of your life completely.

[Ashlee T.]

You're right when you say that it is not totally her fault. Your anger for her at this point is justified and understandable. But he deserves the same. The problem here is that he was weak enough in his marriage and in his loyalty to you to let this happen. She had an active part in it...but there are LOTS of women out there willing to give a man attention whether he's married or not. Your husband should have been strong enough in his loyalty to you and devotion to you and the baby that he resisted the urge to let it go where it did.

[wife_b]

I did cut her off of course... She even works with me I told her that I don't wanna c her and asked her to resign and she did
The other problem is that people at work keep asking me about her but I can't stand to hear her name!!!!
Anyway she's z least of my concerns now... My problem is my husband... I really love him a lot nd I wanna get over this but every time I remember I go crazy...
She is soooo smart... She only confessed to me that she's cheating on her husband and that she really wants me to be around always since 2 of our other girlfriend r cheating on their husbands as well and she feels strong wen I'm around... Of course that was her plan so that she can get closer to my husband nt to me... Sometimes I think this is all my fault... Y did I stick around with friend that r cheating in their husbands and have no values .... I should have stopped my interaction with them immediatlyyyy

[Lcturner3]

I did cut her off of course... She even works with me I told her that I don't wanna c her and asked her to resign and she did
The other problem is that people at work keep asking me about her but I can't stand to hear her name!!!!
Anyway she's z least of my concerns now... My problem is my husband... I really love him a lot nd I wanna get over this but every time I remember I go crazy...
She is soooo smart... She only confessed to me that she's cheating on her husband and that she really wants me to be around always since 2 of our other girlfriend r cheating on their husbands as well and she feels strong wen I'm around... Of course that was her plan so that she can get closer to my husband nt to me... Sometimes I think this is all my fault... Y did I stick around with friend that r cheating in their husbands and have no values .... I should have stopped my interaction with them immediatlyyyy

I think her husband deserves to know the truth. It may be over stepping your boundaries, but since she had an emotional affair with your husband I think you're entitled to let him know. He doesn't deserve that. Good luck. Maybe you should seek couples therapy to help you move forward.