[katemarshall14]

My partner aged 50 confessed he likes to wear womens clothes. That came as a bit of a shock as weve been together 15 years!!
The even bigger shock is that when he was supposedly going to the gym, he was going to transvestite venues. I kind of accepted it after all whats a few clothes and if it made him happy.
It now transpires that he goes to gay saunas/venues as a tv looking for sex with men who like transvestites. He also trawls the Internet and arranges liasons at mens houses where my partner is the tv again and they have sex.
He wears everything including make up and wig
He gets checked at the G.U.M clirnic every 6 months even though he says condoms are always used. Ive sat back and let him get on with it hoping it was a passing phase but its getting worse. He now goes out two nights a week either as a tv for sex or as a bi man.Also he meets men who he does BDSM With and they tie him up etc.
He then expects me to have sex with him and though I did initially, he told me he gives men oral sex but not to completion and has passionately kissed men.
Im starting to be repulsed by all this and wont let him touch me.
He says if I love him I shouldn't have a problem and he wont stop because it is who he is!!!
So now im wondering if I should leave him. Ive aked him to treat me more like a woman woo me etc as he just thinks we can jump into bed an that I can participate. He says why do I need treating differently and I must be very needy to want woo--ing and more affection and attention.
So what do I do???
Do I stay or go?
My liifestyle will change for the worse an I do care for him but my love is fading..is all what hes doing a passing phase even though he's 50.??.
He had a very restrictive childhood and had no friends. His mother was and still is very controlling.He changes completely infront of her...and I wonder probably nievely if his controlled life has anything to do with how he conducts his life
Any advice will be gratefully reviewed. .sorry this was so long

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He had a very restrictive childhood and had no friends. His mother was and still is very controlling.He changes completely infront of her...and I wonder probably nievely if his controlled life has anything to do with how he conducts his life

I would say that if he Mother is controlling and he changes to suit her. Then, he more than likely either admires her or hates her one of the two. If it's the later then possibly he doesn't like women but wants to look like one, to control be in control of others.. I think he has hidden a lot from you, or there were other signs has he intimated you most of your time together, never been there for you, more about his needs?

He says if I love him I shouldn't have a problem and he wont stop because it is who he is!!!

You say if you love yourself, you don't have to accept who he is showing you. It's not what you went into the relationship for so, he can go and have his life and be who he is, without you. I wonder honestly his reaction over that. But I truly do not see a loving person, there that deserves you... 15 years is a long time but not the end of the World. It's ok if things change and you wish to accept those changes, it's not ok to be walked over and treated like meat, or nothing...

He says why do I need treating differently and I must be very needy to want woo--ing and more affection and attention.
So what do I do???

Let me tell you what you do not do. You do not ever take a put down, like that. This man for what ever reason shared a secret with you, that you have been with for 15 years. In doing so, he expects you to sit back, do nothing, have sex with him, let him go out, let him sleep with who ever and then has the nerve to think that you don't deserve to be treated with love?

[Euphoric]

It's sounds to me like he is telling you he wants his cake and to eat it too, and on his terms with no consideration for you and your feelings. He has intentionally deceived you (telling you he's going to the gym). I don't think this is a passing fad. He has been engaging in this lifestyle, unbeknownst to you for quite a while. You need to determine if this compromise is worth the heartache it's causing you.

You don't sound happy with the relationship, but are afraid of the lifestyle change. Personally, I'd rather scale back and be happy, than settle for ultimatums and be miserable. That said, YOU have to determine what is best for you.

Best Wishes,
Euphoric

[Lorelei Powers]

A word from a member of the kink community

Ive aked him to treat me more like a woman woo me etc as he just thinks we can jump into bed an that I can participate. He says why do I need treating differently and I must be very needy to want woo--ing and more affection and attention.
So what do I do???
Do I stay or go?
My liifestyle will change for the worse an I do care for him but my love is fading..is all what hes doing a passing phase even though he's 50.??

Quick background: I've been a member of the BDSM and genderplay communities for more than 25 years. I wrote the books (literally) on FemDomme and sissy maids, which is a sub-category of TVs. I have a lot of experience and expertise, especially in the field of kinky person with a vanilla spouse.

And IMO, you handled his initial announcement amazingly well. You've been cooperative with his kink, and you've been clear about your needs for attention and affection.

But he's being selfish. Maybe being out for the first time in half a century of repression has gone to his head, or maybe he's inconsiderate at heart. But he's ignoring your needs for intimacy, he's insulting you by saying you're needy, and he's taking sexual risks that put you in danger of STDs. (Have you been tested? You should be.) You have generously, graciously accommodated his desires, his needs for other partners and for BDSM. Why are your needs automatically a drain on him, while his are "just who he is"?

Here's my take on the situation: This is NOT a passing phase. IMX, this kind of sexual identity lies at the very core of personality. I've known people who tried to quit, but they always come back to it.

So you have to figure that your partner is going to continue doing these things. Can you live with that, if he starts treating you better?

I strongly suggest that you and he go together for counseling with a good sex therapist. If he refuses, go alone.

I understand and respect the anguish of someone who has repressed his true sexual self for his whole life. Your partner has every right to a fulfilling sex life. BUT SO DO YOU.

[jslater]

It sounds like that ship has sailed on hoping that husband you thought you knew would someday return. This really is who he is and he could really care less what you think about it. I wish there was some magic advice we could all give you that would make you feel better and safe again. Unfortunately there are only two choices... live with him the way he is and put yourself at greater risk or two... give yourself a chance and take control of your life, find the courage inside of you and kick him out. I know you love him... I know you want things to go back to a better time but the fact is... they won't. If he was hiding that the whole marriage a lot of it wasn't real. He made that very clear to you. So you have to do what he is doing and take back your life and live it for you. The fact that he is sleeping around... He is not thinking about you and your safety. He is selfish and self indulging in his new lifestyle and as was mentioned earlier... he is having his cake and eating it too. He says he is using condoms... Are you willing to take chance/ risk that he is safe every time? He has lied so much to you already... How can you believe anything he says. The vows u once took no longer apply. The life you knew no longer exists. I know that choice is going to be extremely difficult for you but your worth so much more than to have to accept a life of unhappiness with a man who isn't there to love you, cherish you or respect u. Love and marriage has to flow both ways to be a marriage. I know your afraid but my biggest fear is you just accepting it... and him leaving you anyways for that greener grass. You don't deserve what he is doing to you and I hope you get assertive and find that courage and strength to stand up for yourself. I really hope you can get some help from close friends or family but at the very least try to seek some professional help. We are here on these boards for support either way if you need us. Take care!

[Trisha23]

you had to let him go,you are not his happiness,give his way,,let his wings spread the way he wants.

[gunjank]

No worries ,you have been with him since last 15 long years.So accept what ever he is.If he is bi,try with toys and enjoy you also.treat him like awoman,use dildos n all.

hope this will help.