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Was it too much to ask?

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  • Was it too much to ask?

    I asked my husband if he would take care of Misako for a day while I attended a day of reflection at Yokoji Zen Center. He came up with dozens of reasons why he couldn't do it. None of them were good reasons, I know he just didn't want me to attend the event.

    He would only need to stay home, feed her and change her when necessary. He has done that many times before. I asked him if it would be ok to get his mother to visit and take of her. He made some lame excuse about her going out with her friends that weekend, he didn't even ask her. I was so mad I refused to sleep with him last night and now we're not talking to each other. I'm trying to decide if I should ask my Aunt to take care of her and go anyway. I'm sure that would really make him mad.
    Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
    ― Bodhidharma

  • Do you need his permission to attend? Would you be creating a problem if you did attend? If not, then I'd make arrangements to have someone else take care of your child, and go to the day of reflection. Tell your husband what you are going to do but perhaps arrange for babysitting outside of your home so he could have the entire house to himself for the day without being aware of another person in his home.

    There is no need for anybody to get mad if you approach it in a matter-of-fact way and have all plans in place. He won't be inconvenienced, your daughter is properly taken care of and you get to go to the event. It becomes a win-win situation.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.


    • Definitely not too much to ask. You should go to the event.


      • Why wouldn't he want you to go to the event? (And more importantly, who does he think he is, your boss? )
        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


        • In my opinion, this is not too much to ask. Your Buddhism is very important to you, so this day of reflection should be respected by your husband.

          He should look at this day as an opportunity to continue to bond with his daughter, not as a chore, or as some sort of ploy to keep you from attending the event at the Zen Center.

          If he doesn't agree to watch her, and continues to come up with silly excuses instead of speaking with you openly, find a babysitter and go. You need this.


          • Chaya, somehow, someday soon, both of you have to be real, honest, talk. What ever the situation, compromise. This tough attitude of "don't speak and it will go away" does not work. Resentment falls into place on either or both sides, eventually.

            I suspect that he does NOT want you to practise this and didn't from when he met you, figgered he could get you to change, we all do that right? Ahh, don't like this part but that's cool I will slowly change it. Doesn't work that way. We are who we are and we have a right to be individual people, living as one within two but with our own passions, morals, beliefs in life. Shirt, If David started asking me to stop being a Witch, I'd hit him with my broomstick Just kidding on the last bit.

            Sit down with him and ask him. "What is it about this place, or belief, practice that worries you?" Then tell him, you won't change because of it, you are who you are because of it and you know he loves you for you". See what he says. But, the key is to talk, rationally, thinking of each other when responding. NOT to get defensive or create an argument from it.


            • We've been talking about this problem and others. He still claims he's worried about being alone with Misako all day. He don't feel he is ready for the responsibility. I believe him as he don't lie to me about important things.

              I will be going to the day of reflection next week and he will take care of Misako with the help of his a woman I met in school. She is going to live with us and help take care of Misako so I can work nights. She needs a quite place to live so she can study and I need her help with my daughter. I have a chance to work nights at a nursing home and I would like the experience, and the extra income will be welcome.
              Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
              ― Bodhidharma


              • I looked back through your posts. It's been a year and two months since she came to live with you and your husband. Why is he worried? If he has done all of the things necessary to raise her as a parent would, he should be able to handle any situation.

                Is she crawling and/or walking?
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                • His lack of confidence in caring for her is probably my fault. I was always there and watching over him when he changed or fed her.

                  Misako can walk but not so good yet. She sure can crawl, so fast it's hard to catch her. We tried to keep her in a play pen but she don't like it and likes to crawl around the house so I have to watch her all the time.
                  Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                  ― Bodhidharma



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