Please Help Biwoman wants to share porn w/fiance but makes me feel terribly jealous

[736Angel]

Hi

This is my first time posting here or anywhere for that matter on this matter. I've really had a hard time finding anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I can find all kinds of forums and discussions of Womens hating porn or it making then feel jealous or women that want to be private with their porn and the women that are perfectly fine with it and there's all the same categories for the men's side of it. I however have had a very difficult time finding any type of posts that has the same issues as me. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, and please no negativity, there's enough of that out there to bring me down as it is. I am a Bisexual woman and my fiance knows all about it. I was in a mentally and sexually abusive relationship for almost three years before I met the amazing man I'm with now. My ex he didn't know I was bi and he tortured me and abused with porn. Literally made me feel like I was nothing and not good enough almost on a daily basis and I didnt come from a family that had built up my confidence enough that I though it was bad so I stayed because I didnt think I could find or deserved any better. I feel a million times better about myself now and I know I have the most genuine caring and respectful man I could ever hope for. However I still have residuals of some issues and they're killing me. I like girls and I like porn but I still have issues with how porn affects me. I'm fine by myself but I really really want to share watching porn together and talking about it together with my fiance but when it comes time to talk about doing it I involuntarily lock up and become jealous and down bringing of myself. I get turned on extremely well by my man and I get turned on by porn but something keeps happening that I can't bring them together I've really tried and we've definitely talked. We are a very connected couple. It was even him that suggested maybe I could find an online forum to get support and to explore what others say. He gives me confident boosts and compliments daily but it's so hard for me connect to my bi side when he talks about other women or simply just says something about another woman being attractive. It absolutely kills me because I wanna get mad because I wanna be the only woman in his life but at the same time im bi and love sharing that with him and want to connect my bi sexuality with his sexuality so we can enjoy women together. I have had a few moments where I'm like yes perfect just stay in this mindset where everything feels right and nothing in my head is making me feel bad but they are rare and far between. They are the times when I'm most happiest. I am miserable the rest of the time because I've told him to be open with it that I love it I and I do but I don't understand what keeps happening to me. For example one of the great times; I saw this Hardee's commercial that was these 2 Super hot girls feeding each other huge cheeseburgers after they had just been cooking them on the grill and bumping into each other all sexy like in booty booty wow that's on TV booty shorts and bikini tops. I literally stood there with my mouth open and couldn't believe what I was watching...OK in this kind of instance the first thing that pops in my head is OMG this is hot and I have to find this on YouTube and show it to him he would absolutely love this too.....OK great and then later I found it and showed him and was fine the whole time......OK now most of the time I see something sexual that turns me on, usually more sexy than that (porn, sexy pic, actress) I have that initial wow that's sexy thought in my head....and then it's followed by OMG I wanna share this with him.....and then the kicker...almost immediately I go to yeah but if he sees it then he's gonna like it and think it's hotter than me. Now I know that sounds really beginner but Like I said I know how my man feels we talk A LOT were very connected and he reassures me all the time how sexy I am and how beautiful and not so much that I don't believe him or that I think he's just saying it. I know he believes it and its mostly because of him that I now know that its true that Im sexy and beautiful. I had horrible upon horrible self image before and he single handedly turned that around. I'd never truly felt sexy or beautiful no matter how dressed up I was. But still I have this automated reaction that steals all these awesome moments I want to have away from me. I don't understand how I can want to show him so bad and be excited and the next second I'm wanting to make sure he doesn't see it cause he'd think it's hot.....well DUH!!! I hate this I've tried positive thinking, just forcing myself to do it, talking to him about it, trying to read about others but like I said reading advice to straight women that do or don't like porn and have a problem with their man liking it doesn't help out a woman that likes women that likes porn and wants to share it but doesn't know why she cant. This same scenario also happens when he just says something about the attractiveness of another woman...I feel so effed up because it works like this....He says somethin about someone bein sexy (may even be someone he knows I like that we have discussed)...I look to see and immediate first thing in my head is usually something very similar to what he said or thought about it....I usually like it and also think it's very sexy but then again here comes the weird part.....I then am immediately rushed with jealousy feelings and am sad. I don't even get to respond or tell him anything. The only thing he gets to see is me being upset and then he feels bad. Even if I can hide how I feel I still feel bad inside that he has the attraction and also feel bad because I can't get out what I would really love to say to him that's in my head about how sexy it was. I feel so messed up. I don't know what to do. I'm scared I can't be me and I'll just have to ignore these bad thoughts and push myself through it until it hopefully stops going to the bad thoughts. One thing I read that kind of made sense was a reply to someone else that had a somewhat similar issue in some areas, it said the problem was underlying in that your parents never gave you the tools to feel confident or worth anything so even though youve overcome that it arises when your SO shows interest in other women. Ive never been confident or been one obviously to be able to stay confident, Im fine until i see something i want to share or he tries to share something then I lose it. But the rest of the time i feel sexy and want to find things to share and miss the connection. Please help me

[rcoreyus]

If I understand right, you are attracted to other women and would like to share this with your BF, but when you do (or plan to) you feel jealous of those women.

Do you feel like that about all other women that you find attractive, of do only certain body types etc trigger the feelings of jealousy?

Do you have any rational suspicious, about your BF, or (as it sounds), is it an irrational reaction?

Do your feel jealous of attractive women in non-sexual situations?

Can you fantasize about you, your BF and another woman, or does that trigger the same sort of feelings? I'm absolutely NOT suggesting you actually engage in a threesome or anything - I'm just trying to get some feel for how your mind works on this.

[jen1447]

Sorry if this is oversimplifying but it sounds to me like a pretty standard case of insecurity. I don't think there has to be this dynamic at play in a bisexual situation - there certainly isn't for me. I'm not at all threatened by other women in the presence of the BF - we even size them up together pretty frequently - and I think it's helped by the reality that I'm much more aggressive and likely to point them out and I'm the only one who might actually do or arrange something with them.

I know you can't just flip a switch and make feelings go away but it might be a good thing to try - make it about you, not your man. Say "wow, I think she's hot" and leave out the "do you?" followup. He can like them too, but work on convincing yourself that the most significant thing about it is your own lust. You seem to be concerned about who or what is the center of your fiance's universe, but try focusing more on what's the center of yours.

[736Angel]

Thank you first of all for your reply. Yes you are correct I am attracted to other women and want to share it with my fiancé and yes I Def feel jealous when the comment or pic of another woman comes from either me or him.

No I Def don't feel that way about all women. Lol only all the women we find attractive. Basically if he likes them or I like them and think he's going to like then too then I feel that feeling, I just hate it and don't even understand how it's possible when I want to share it and I feel loved.

Kind of a weird twist to the story....yes it is certain body types like of course Super tiny skinny girls mostly or most all thin body types that are attractive. The twist part is that this used to make me feel a lot worse. I felt like I looked like I weighed 215 pounds when I really didnt. I had a seriously twisted body image. I only weigh 145 also I'm muscular so I probably realistically only look like I weigh 125 or 130 or less not quite sure so I would be upset all the time when these instances would occur for one the reasons I said above and also because I felt like I really didn't look anything like these other girls. Now I know I actually am beautiful and have quite a nice body and I fully feel that and admit that to myself and believe it. I literally could explain the drasticness of the feeling I felt when I could really see myself as the 130 pound woman instead of 215 as someone that was anorexic and was able to finally see they were small the while time. I'm loving it but now feeling so much better about my body is really clashing with this feeling bad when we wanna have sex time kinda thing.

I have absolutely no suspicions of my fiance for sure. Not worried about him cheating on me or leaving me.

I don't really think I feel jealous of them in non sexual situations. This sounds dumb but maybe give me an example cause usually no matter what if we see someone we like we usually talk about it later even if it started as a non sexual situation.

I totally understand your not pushing a three some and just trying to help me. That's all I want. We have talked about a three some many many times and it's the same with that. If I think about it at times like when we've had great long convos about how we'd like a three some to go then I'm good. I like it. But I can think of it sometimes and feel the bad way too. I don't wanna be this way. I know if we have a woman come over and have a three some I'm not going to lose my man to her or think he's going to have more fun with her than me or anything like that but sometimes it mixes with the jealousy feelings and I worry about it even when I can check myself on the spot when I'm feeling bad and be like OK seriously that would not happen and I believe it, it still bothers me. We've even talked and he has said it doesn't matter if we never actually have a three some or do anything with another woman just to be able to have that connection of being able to share our desires and fantasies with each other is all he wants..and I totally agree. We have great talks that are in depth about what I like about women what I would like to share with him and much more but when it actually happens I freak. We can be watching something as silly as a TV show and he says something about the hot girl that I already was thinking was hot and I get all offended. I immediately analyze what he says and I agree with him in my head cause I was thinking the same thing but all he gets is discust and I feel horrible for doing that to him. He's such a sweet and loving guy and I just wanna connect my sexuality with his because they fit together wonderfully. I hate doing this to him.

[736Angel]

Awesome! Thanks for the reply jen. I actually saw you post on someone elses question before I registered. You were part of thw reason I signed up. No no please don't be sorry for oversimplifying. I need help and I've never been able to get it. I wouldn't doubt the way my life goes that it is something just super simple. I do believe you sound very spot on to what's haopeneing. I will fully admit I'm easily made insecure. I was raised really strange, I have yet to find someone that wanted to trade childhoods with me. Then the first BF I got treated me like ******** and abused me for 3 years.

I Def don't want this dynamic in play and I believe it doesn't need to be either. It's so messed up how I feel inside. Liking something so much and hating it at the same time. I always feel so split and out of control of what I want. He tries to give me what I want but I'm not good at asking for it. I have a problem with sexy talk also l. My ex used to make me say things to him and would tell me what to say. I didn't have much of my own sexuality if any. I can be super sexy, I know I can say sexy things and could turn him on like crazy but when it's just us and I wanna say something sexy to him same thing happens. I lock up and can't say "the words". This is infuriating!! I had no problem being embarrassed or feeling insecure when I was being forced but now that I want to on my own I feel embarrassed because I guess My insides still don't feel as good as I know I look. I have no idea. I've just needed to be able to get some of this stuff out to other people so they can hear it and see how I feel and possibly be able to help me. I know it must look completely different from another person's view. Maybe even someone can see a simple fix.

See that whole sizing them up together thing I'm dying for. Why can't I just talk without feeling bad about everything? It may be part of the problem that I'm not aggressive. I would love to point them out first but it never happens. Just how you said wow she's hot. ..I would love to be able to just say that but idk why I feel so locked up when the time comes. It's not like oh no he took it away from me and said something first. We've talked about my problems with it and he's even tried to not say anything so I have as much time as I need whenever but it just never happens. It gets really close and it's all in my head but can't get it out.

I know he'd be extremely turned on by me pointing someone out especially if it ever did get to the point of arranging something. Even right now that sounds absolutely fantastic in my head but I know if I went to say it to him I couldn't We've been together almost 5 years. He's put up with so much crap. I want to give him what I've always said I want to, but it seems no matter how much I want to and am driven to something I have t figured out how to overcome yet is controlling me.

I do like the whole switch flipping thing. I would love to try that and I will see how it works and report lol. We are just such a connected couple and I've never had that time to myself to make me important I've never been able to get that. I feel like I know my list is important and I have no problem liking girls or watching porn and usually never feel bad it's only when I go to show him. I Def am concerned at who is the center of his universe but what sucks is I shouldn't feel insecure. I know that I am the center of his universe no matter what. I've never been one to be about myself. I don't even know of I have the capacity to think that way. Ever since I was little I was shown and taught to help people and do what I could. Now in this relationship I love being that way for him. Being able to please him and give him awesome things in the relationship. I have never been selfish and I honestly don't know how. I feel so immediately guilty at any thought of "just myself" I can't handle it. I want to share everything with someone and somehow got lucky enough to find the perfect person that wants the same. I would love to be able to fix this problem I have even if it is just some simple words that click in my brain. I can be easy like that, that sometimes just the right advice clicks just right. Thank you again for taking the time to read and reply to me. It means everything to me right now.

[736Angel]

If I understand right, you are attracted to other women and would like to share this with your BF, but when you do (or plan to) you feel jealous of those women.

Do you feel like that about all other women that you find attractive, of do only certain body types etc trigger the feelings of jealousy?

Do you have any rational suspicious, about your BF, or (as it sounds), is it an irrational reaction?

Do your feel jealous of attractive women in non-sexual situations?

Can you fantasize about you, your BF and another woman, or does that trigger the same sort of feelings? I'm absolutely NOT suggesting you actually engage in a threesome or anything - I'm just trying to get some feel for how your mind works on this.

Will you get my reply if I just reply or do I need to reply with quote. I assume that's only if I want to include someone's specific message or a piece of it when I'm replying. Just not sure if it has anything to do with how your notified of my response.

[rcoreyus]

I check back on threads I post in, so yes I got your reply. Still thinking of ideas / suggestoins, nothing yet.

[736Angel]

OK thank you very much for keeping me in thought. If you have any questions or need clarification on anything I've said or need to ask about another connecting area of my life please feel free to ask anything over the post or message. I just want to be as open as possible so I can get any piece of advice that may help me somehow to get through this. I've been going through it too long and I'm tired of hurting from it and am so tired of seeing him hurt from it. I hate that isn't enough for my brain to just fix it.

[Pollon]

Angel,

This whole scenario strikes me as a boundary issue. The short explanation of that is that, because of your past experience, you have difficulty identifying where your limits (desires, wants, control, relationship, sexuality, etc) begin and end.

Abuse is a complete boundary violation. Your family and ex bf constantly intruded into your "space" and usurped your thoughts, power and control. It got so confusing you couldn't even recognize yourself as a fit rather than overweight person.

It sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend who has helped you get a grasp on some of your issues. However, the boundaries of your relationship are still rather unclear.

Think of your boundary as a fence around yourself that protects you from the outside world (and protects the world from you). If you are in control of the boundary, that means that you control the gate and determine who comes in and who stays out. Your family and ex bf controlled your gate, not you. That creates a lot of anxiety in you. It sounds like your current boyfriend respects your personal boundary and doesn't mess with your gate. That has helped you feel safe with him.

You also have a boundary around your relationship with your boyfriend. In a healthy relationship, you both share control of the gate. Neither of you let anyone or anything through the gate without the other's agreement. It seems you have that in the relationship ACTIONS as well. However, all the open indiscriminate DESIRE for others doesn't make it feel safe.

Healthy sex/physical intimacy is really an experience of lowering your fence and letting someone else in. You are relatively new to the experience of being "safe" in an intimate relationship. You've only experienced that with your current boyfriend.

Inviting even the fantasy of another person into your intimate life is a reminder of how out-of-control things used to be which provokes your anxiety. When you alone fantasize about something that turns you on, you are in complete control of your PERSONAL boundary/gate because only you are involved.

You feel safe with your boyfriend and your initial response is that you want to bring him inside your PERSONAL boundary to share the experience/fantasy.

However, somewhere between your initial response and actually sharing it with your boyfriend, you realize that in doing so you are moving from your PERSONAL boundary (which you alone control) to a RELATIONSHIP boundary with which you share control of with your boyfriend. And that provokes memories of being in an out-of-control boundary-less relationship. The same thing happens when your boyfriend speaks up first about an attractive woman. In both cases, you are talking about the RELATIONSHIP boundary.

All of your talk, fantasizing, and planning about other women causes anxiety because it is about giving up some control of the RELATIONSHIP gate. Of course, the vast majority of women and men would have anxiety about it as well. Most people want to feel secure that the gate is being fully manned by both themselves and their partner and that you both fully agree on the terms under which the gate will be opened.

If your partner is as open, honest, devoted, caring and loyal as you say, then I would suggest that until you are ready, you both agree that the gate stays firmly shut and the terms for opening it are crystal clear. Exactly how checking out, talking about, fantasizing about or making plans with other women is to be done should be clear to both of you. That doesn't mean either of you can't have those thoughts inside your respective PERSONAL boundaries, but they don't spill into the RELATIONSHIP boundary until you have a firmer grasp of things.

The other boundary issue relates to your thoughts and feelings. Part of what goes on is that we can sometimes believe/think that our thoughts are our partner's thoughts. That is a boundary violation as well. When you "desire" someone else, that doesn't mean your partner does. Assuming that they do is projection. I suspect that when you see someone desirable, you assume (maybe correctly) that your partner would too AND then you add the projection that he would want her more than you. That's an insecurity that gets in the way. However, you can use that to be the most awesome girlfriend in the world. If you believe that you are really being that to the point that he would be crazy to leave you, then if he does, you know he was too crazy to keep anyway.

You sound like you treat your man as wonderfully as you can. Don't think he would be foolish enough to leave you.

I hope that helps

[effy2014]

It seems to me that you want things to move faster than your emotions will let you. As I understand it, you were in an abusive relationship for three years. Give yourself time to heal before you force the other issues. Therapy might really help you sort through the abuse and get real closure. Get your anxiety under control before you bring the trigger (porn) into your new loving relationship.

Porn aside, you should really think through whether brining a third person into your loving relationship is a good idea. It doesn't matter if you are bi or straight. In a loving relationship, sex isn't just sex -- it is the most intimate of all encounters that expresses your love and commitment. Seeing your boyfriend sharing that intimacy with another woman may drive you crazy and make you think about every flaw you have that she doesn't. It happens frequently with men whose fantasy is to see his wife have sex with another man -- only to re-live that event in horror every time he touches her again. One other thing -- if he is as crazy about you as he seems to be, your boyfriend does not need another woman as a present from you. He is and should be completely satisfied with your gifts. Perhaps your feelings of inadequacy caused by past abuse lead you to the conclusion that your current boyfriend needs more than you.

Recover from your abuse -- it may take a long time. Keep your relationship monogamous until you are fully healed -- and then discuss with him whether the fantasy is worth the risk.

[LilahX]

Jealousy, which stems from insecurity, is such a destructive thing - and no one can do anything about it except you. Sounds like you have a great guy who does all the right things to constantly reassure you about the sincerity of his feelings for you. While I think it's great that you want to share your bi intersts with him, and it can truly enhance a relationship , I'd put all that out of your head until you sort out your head bc that's where your jealousy stems from. Self-examination isn't easy but it's the only way you can fix this - good luck!