Newly Married and Devastated

[orchiddreams]

Hi folks. Wall of text apologies in advance. I just got married and realized my husband has been having some kind of affair for years with a coworker. I really don't know what to do. He knows I am on to him, but he doesn't know the full extent of my knowledge. I haven't made any accusations but do ask him a lot of questions to the level of interrogation but indirect. (He's obviously aware of this.) We have had conversations regarding cheating- not understanding why someone would get married if they like the freedom of some variety. He has assured me he would never hurt me and never put his junk where it didn't belong.
I am really starting to wonder whether he just needs some strange sexts and pics to keep him lively. What bothers me are the lies and frankly I think if it was a complete stranger I would not care. It's the fact that it's an ongoing thing with specifically one person.
Background. Awhile back I saw that he had received sexy pics from this other woman via email. Yes I snooped. I confronted him and he claimed that it was a joke someone had gotten a hold of her phone at work and sent it to him. I took him for his word. After we got married I borrowed one of his extra phones (he gets a lot of gadgets to test and repair- his line of work) and found her photo tagged to a contact that had a male name. Phone number matched, and it had her home address. (Why would anyone have a coworker's home address that is not a friend outside of work [whom I have never met]). So my guard is up- and I am sure he lied to me about the initial incident. When I brought the incident up at a later date he said she had a son and no longer worked there. Son's name is a derivative of my husbands name. Interesting...
I believe the son is 4-6 years old from some Facebook snooping.
A few months into our marriage she Facetimes him. I confront him and he claims it was a coworker who's phone was broken. (None of my coworkers FaceTime- who does that except to do some kinky stuff or to speak to a long lost relative). Immediately after this incident he turns off his notifications on his iPad. I haven't mustered up the guts to call the work place and verify whether she is still there. His story doesn't match up. If she had a son and left why would she FaceTime him now?
Additionally he has created a separate email account at some point in time- username her phone number.
Also he recently downloaded a messaging app to avoid any records. 007 stealthy stuff. I can't access it because of security features and intruder alert features. So I have to get phone records while there are still some records. The longer I wait the less I will know. When I asked him for our cell phone account pass code he asked me why I wanted it...shady stuff.
I just want to call this woman and flat out ask what's going on. I want to get this child's birth records.
Is this just a sexting thing or is this a full blown life with this other person?
To top it off we just found out he has cancer. Lucky me right? Do I stay complacent. I really don't know how long he will live considering his lifestyle choices have not changed since the diagnosis which is manageable if he makes changes- which he has not.
Is he polyamorous? Can I brush it under the rug? My self esteem is in the pits. I lost my job after we got married. I am no longer independent.
I need to know if he is having sex with her. Getting an std panel done but I doubt he'd be that stupid. I am a gorgeous woman two decades younger than him- fought to marry him because of the age difference. FOR THIS?!?! I want revenge but I know it's not right considering the illness. I am absolutely devastated with the hand of cards I was dealt. I have been 100% honest, upfront and loving. Granted he is not happy with the snooping and now feels vulnerable and disappointed and I know I have anymore conversations regarding this our relationship may be over. It already is to me, the only reason it's not yet are the unanswered questions.
What would you do? How would you deal with this? He is very computer savvy so he's probably always a step ahead of me. Do I need to change my mentality on love and fidelity? Do some people just not consider sexting an act reserved for the significant other?

[rcoreyus]

The cancer is a horrible discovery, the cheating is a horrible discovery - you are going through a lot. You need to sit and think about what you want to do.

The first question I would ask is do you love him? Are you happy when you are with him and is he happy with you. Be sure of your feeling on that first, then think about what to do.

Could you live in an open marriage?

[atskitty2]

Are you planning to ask him about the things you've found? Or are you going to decide what to do with the info and then tell him all at once?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Orchid.

I wonder, when we try to bring excitement into our lives, whether or not it creates a fantasy that turns to reality..

My husband and I introduced MFM in our dirty talk and it is quite a turn on for us both. We play with the idea of actually doing it, imagining scenarios of how it would play out.

Being the female, I sometimes wonder if I could go through with it. I think that's part of the fantasy... Fantasizing that I could be that kind of woman- sexually open and uninhibited.

I think it's a grey area, and even if you actively decide to do it, no one really knows how it would go. Aside from the sexual pleasure, I often wonder what would the ramifications be of bringing a third party into our private life- not to mention the health risks, etc.

I read this on one of your other posts as I recalled you had stated something along those lines. Perhaps it's all text messages and face book messages and that's it. I would still call that greed. You introduced something he would not otherwise have had, if he's taken that further with someone else, without sexual intercourse it's still greed to do so.

Also, over 50 perhaps he is going through a mid-life crisis and with cancer? Perhaps he is also in denial, doesn't comprehend he can fix this, rather is destroying himself. You have been with him for quite some years, can you judge his personality and what he may be thinking? And, why?

[orchiddreams]

I have to admit that I do love him deeply, but to me it would feel one sided if I knew that there was an affair. I could no longer give my love at that point. Would I want to divorce him in these circumstances, I don't know if I could do that with the cancer in his life. If there was no cancer I think I would have a much simpler decision. With regard to an open marriage, if he had come to me about it on his own accord I think I might give it more thought, despite my previous statement.

[orchiddreams]

Atskitty2, I have not gone to him with all of the information I have. I also need to obtain more information to get a grasp of when these contacts happen and how often. Whether she still works there, etc.

[orchiddreams]

ChandlersWish, thank you for looking deeper in trying to understand the issue. I do think fantasy can be ok, I'm ok with porn. When it's someone that you know, have access to- that's when it crosses the line for me into the possibility of real sex.

I wish I could say that it's just the cancer, I do think this woman was in the picture before the diagnosis. In fact I am sure because I did see her pics before all of the health issues came up.

Do I think he is having sex with her now- no. In my heart of hearts I don't believe so. He is an honorable person kind of paradoxical considering the lies about her phone not working etc.

We had a conversation about cheating the other night- I wanted to get a gauge of his thought process. I do believe he thinks that sex is where it becomes cheating- where as I explained that I think cheating is when you actively hide something from the other person. I don't what I got out of that discussion except more uncertainty. I do know that he feels that if he knows a relationship is secure then the type of interaction he may have with her is a non issue therefore no need for me to know about it hence the hiding and the lies.

I really don't know what to feel or think. I do know that my love for him is so strong and my code of ethics is so high that the cancer is a higher priority and I need to be there for him in his time of need. As much as it would kill me to know that something was going on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You're welcome. I think it's important to look outside a box and try to see what is inside

IDK. People hide things that they think is kinda "ok" because they are not sure what the other person will think, which is lying and hiding. I don't think it's cheating. BUT, it is disrespectful to text another woman without your woman's knowledge or photos or anything of that kind and I would be hurt and I am quite open minded.

I guess I am saying when you put temptation in front of someone, sometimes, they take that further be it mild or full on.. Because the temptation is there.

Remember as a kid, lollies left on the table, tempted to have one but told you can't before tea and when your Mother's back is turned you pinch one and hide it and eat it?

[English Lady]

Hi, I have just come back to this forum after over 3 yrs absence and spotted your thread. It rang alarm bells for me based on my own situation/thread back in 2010 (Please Help - My husband has a love child) I have come through the hardest part of my life on the other side and am now extremely happy and loved once again. My advice to anybody going through a situation involving cheating is to GET OUT!!! Life is too short to spend on people that do not want to put you first, meaning your self esteem and respect disappear and your love is wasted. The pain of letting somebody go is difficult but short lived in comparison to the rest of your life torturing yourself with jealousy and doubt.

There are men out there who are looking for a loving, loyal partner so why should you give any more of your time to someone who obviously thinks flirting, sexting...CHEATING! is acceptable. It just isn't in any form. Would he really be ok with you doing the same thing? I expect not.
Yes, it is awful he has cancer but this doesn't give him a free pass to being a ****************k. Especially as his bad behaviour began before he found out.
Don't feel obliged to stay with this man because of his health issues - Medicine is amazing these days and he may (hopefully) have many years left.

If you have a husband that is already looking elsewhere, at some point there will be a woman looking back!! Please don't allow yourself to be drawn into a scenario like mine... or worse!!
It sounds like you are an attractive, articulate woman with time on her side. So go out and find somebody
that not only feels lucky to have you, but wants nobody but YOU!!

[veer]

Hi, I have just come back after one month becuase its a marriage season in India and I still attended 5 to 10 marriage party during this 1 month. I believe marriage is relation which depends upon trust of both. So i just say to talk your husband upon that topic and be honest. If you are want to indepent and thinking about the job and talk to husband and told him about your feeling. Its a beneficial and works well when both you take decision together.