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Husband considered marriage over with then changed mind.

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  • Husband considered marriage over with then changed mind.

    Me and my husband have been married for two years, a bit after our first child was born. Now we are working on having our second little one (at the end of May) and a few weeks ago he said he cared about me but didn't love me anymore. That alone hurt because I still very much love him, all of the flaws and fights we have I still don't want things to just be over like that. So we talked and he said he needed time to think. My mother when I told her asked what 'time's' name was. I didn't quite understand her meaning behind this till I thought longer on it. He had been talking to a co-worker of his for a good week or so. Telling me that he was just talking to her as a friend and that nothing was going on. But he was glued to his cell phone. To this day still won't leave it in a room without him being there.

    So after a few days he decided that we shouldn't try, all we do is fight anymore and we've been together for 4-5 years and married for not even two yet. I accepted this and agreed we should remain friends and on good terms and come June after the baby was born he'd move out. Of course I bawled my eyes out trying to be strong and act like I could carry on with my life but I just couldn't. We are in the same house and I watched him carry out everyday life like nothing happened, like I was so easy to forget about or throw away. So I focused mainly on the little one we have and trying not to stress or strain myself where I am expecting. All the way till we had another talk and he changed his mind.

    He decided we should try because when we were first together we had something. My friends personal thoughts are he is jealous of the baby and with having another he knows he won't get the attention he wants or use to have. He keeps blaming all of the issues on me in that I don't communicate enough with him, I admit I don't speak up as much as I should but I just stay so tired anymore I don't feel the energy to try to fight over my point of view on things. I want them to work so of course I jumped at the thought that we could keep talking and trying to work the marriage out. But he refused to stop speaking to the co worker of his saying they were just friends. To me that hit me as odd.. he was defensive of her and such.

    All of my pent up hurt and anger came out one day as I confronted him on a video and a photo she had sent him in his emails. His excuse was it was during the period that we were split up. That it was that one time and he had told her not to do it again. The fact he didn't tell me right away in the first place hurt enough as he tried to say I would have blown up on him, no I would have been thankful. More so in fact that he was honest with me from the get go. This only got worse as I checked his emails once more as he left them open... there was a receipt where he sent this woman nearly 40$ in roses for V-day... I was crushed by that.

    I eventually confronted him on this and he got ticked at me for going through his emails. Trying to avoid the real issue here as he tried to come up with a story. Saying hat the pre-paid card he was using would have been used on me instead but it was the day that I first confronted him about the photo and video... Though his computer history for looking at that flower shop in that state (not our state even) showed he was looking at doing this long before we had that first fight. I had questioned him if he had done anything for V-day for that woman but he said no, he actually told me when I asked about the flowers that he had forgotten.. Yes I am sure...

    Recently I found he was lying to me more then I first thought. I had contacted the phone company we are with and asked for phone records for his cell phone. According to my husband he had been texting this woman very little and was also texting a male co worker who was having relationship issues, thus why he was glued to his phone. The paper work said otherwise. There was no other odd number on the paper work besides pages.. and I do mean pages of nothing but him and that woman calling or texting back and forth. Starting from back on the 27th of January.. The report I had only covered up till right before V-day sadly. Not to mention I counted at least 37 photos that were sent or received (I stopped counting after 37 and I didn't look to see if he sent any of them because I was shaking so bad seeing how much he had lied to me but I will check the papers today once he goes to work).

    I asked him last night because he asked what was wrong because I seemed down. Of course I am I am still very hurt that he flirted with another woman. Even if he tries to excuse it with it being during the few days he decided we weren't together... So I explained it just still was bothering me and I needed time. So I spoke up asking if the photo and stuff was a one time thing. He looked dead at me saying that there were no other photos I even questioned in texting, still got the answer of no. Then he seemed to nearly stumble or trip up when I asked how the co-worker was. I had to explain to him the one he spoke about having a relationship issue, the guy. He said oh he moved on, doing better.

    It hurts because in my heart I want to keep him and hold onto the happiness we had. But I don't trust him, I'm not sure if I ever will again after all of this. Every time we talk about it he gets defensive if I mention her. Now that we are back to working on things he swears he stopped talking to her because it makes me upset. I want to trust him but I just can't bring myself to do so. He still texts on his phone every so often, not as much of course. Though he goes out of the house often enough to make me think its a excuse to get time away from me. Even with everything screaming at me that he more or less is or was having a online affair I still care and love him. Even though I am beyond miserable with my life as it is.

    We'll soon have two kids, but he hardly fools with the one we have so two won't change anything for him other then not having to deal with me. every time we talk or I express my concerns he flips it around to it being my fault or I'm wrong. I do all the chores around the house (dishes, trash, clothes, taking care of the little one) and he says I do nothing... he says I sit on my ************ all day doing nothing and the baby only requires me to take care of her for four hours out of the day. According to him anyway. He says he works his ************ off for us. But given recent events I doubt that. I mean when I was in the room (he works from home on a phone help line for a company) he would be taking calls or be sitting there texting because it wasn't busy.

    Even now that we are working on things... he hasn't changed. He's a bit nicer to me and that is a welcome change but he should have been nice to me all this time instead of snapping at me and treating me like he didn't want me around. He works normally from 5pm till 1am and sadly with the almost 2 year old I have to get sleep because I have to get up at 8am for her. But here I am almost 3 months from delivering the second baby and sleeping on the sofa. I don't mind sleeping there when he is working, I think i do snore. But when he gets off work he goes and gets on skype with lord knows who because he doesn't leave that logged in unless he's on the computer... and then he's playing games and talking on there till 5am in the morning when he finally comes to the living room and gets me that he's going to bed so I can as well.

    I asked him a few nights ago if he had to be on skype because I was exhausted. His reply was asking if the sofa was that bad. I had to leave the room before my mouth said something I couldn't take back. Last night I brought up after I get back home from delivery I shouldn't be on the sofa. His reply to this was that I could buy a air mattress for the living room. I was in shock at this, instead of saying oh ok hun I'll try to go to bed earlier or at least not get on skype with the guys... No skype is more important to him then me is seems. I can sleep through him being on his computer in the bedroom, but I can't sadly sleep through talking or him being loud as he normally is when talking with people.

    I even had to tell him or ask when was it going to be wife time. He had informed me last night he would be playing a game with a co-worker after he was off work. Thats fine I don't care I'm happy he has friends I really am. But this was the third night in a row that I was camping on the sofa waiting for him to go to bed so my sides and back would stop hurting from laying on the sofa. I shouldn't have to ask when wife time is, he should just think to ask at times. But his excuse is that I don't talk to him or try to start things. Well I am always informed of pre-made plans.. so when or how would I get the time?

    I'm just so lost in thought on what to do. My head screams to give him the boot in June because we said we would see how things were turned out in June after the baby was born. But yet even with all of this and me knowing he has lied to me about more then a few things... I still want to try. I feel like a fool for wanting to try and I try to act like it doesn't all effect me when it very much is. Most I talk to say I deserve better and he should step up as a father and help but I know that won't happen. Others say that they are surprised I've taken how he treats me this long. But the saying love is blind may apply here, maybe I'm just blinding myself to the truth that is screaming in my face.

    Are things over? Should they be over? We don't say I love you anymore, we hardly hug or kiss. I don't even want to think on sex because of how awkward I would feel. I just feel like I'm being used or saved as a fall back if that other woman doesn't work out. He swears he's not talking to her and that he wants to try but he's not proving it to me. I don't want all of his free time but he's hardly done anything with me, I play games too we could play games together for all I cared... just anything as my head screams I want the attention he had given this other woman.

  • I'm reading this rather lengthy post and I can only imagine the amount of energy it even took to just type this out, yet alone live with the on-going issues. FWIW - I think you may want to look at your options outside of this marriage. Make a plan to live and raise your two children without him. At this point I think he is probably just sticking around because he feels guilty, perhaps guilty enough to try again, but not guilty enough to stop his contact with the other person.

    In all likelihood once the baby is here, once you appear to be settled in the routine with two children and the house, he'll probably take a leave of absence again. It may be physical or he may just check out of the relationship emotionally and mentally leaving you to hold things together.

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news but at this point in your pregnancy I think you need to forget about him, focus on you and your baby and do everything in your power to maintain some type of composure. There will be time enough for stress and tears after the baby is born. Don't do it now. Take your time, plan and decide how you want to live. It certainly shouldn't be like this.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.


    • I was already figuring that out, my mom is talking to a lawyer friend of hers to see what we should or need to be doing at this state. I already foresee him leaving in June of his own accord but we literally just got a new car (its only in his name though i had to stay home as the baby was causing a lot of trouble that morning). I don' want to be mean about things and I don't want to keep him from seeing his kids (or his family, I love his family to bits). But I also have to look out for the fact I have no job, and will have two kids. As much as I'd love to trust him for child support I don't think he'd give a fair amount to support two children. I already rely on my mom and others sending me clothing for the children more then he's ever bought for our current little one.

      I'm already raising the one baby alone so adding a second won't change things that much. Luckily we were living with my mother to save money to get a house together in a few years so when this goes down I won't be stressed in finding a place because I'll have one. I think I'm just still in shock of all of this really. My mind already has it self made up in that he needs to go. I can't tailor my life around his stay at home job because he has to have silence.. well the two year old already makes noise and a new born doesn't understand what inside voice is.

      Also I am sorry it was long winded... i wanted to be fair on the points and detail everything out. Because it might be part my fault he looked to others for attention but at the same time we had children together. I can't drop everything and give him attention. Nor can I stay up till 5am to do things with him when I have to get up at 8.


      • I wasn't saying anything about the length of the post, really. I was just saying I could see how much out of you it was taking to get it all down. I don't know where you live, but here in Canada there are Federal child support laws for each Province that are based on a sliding scale dependant upon the earning of the person paying support. So, that is to say there is a minimum that he would have to pay and then a percentage of his earning over that if he is making more.

        Anyway, keep your head about you, ask yourself what is it you really want. Do you want two happy children without a father but having a happy peaceful mother or do you want them to have two parents yelling and arguing about things and eventually them. I'm not saying that he couldn't make a change, I'm just saying unless he really wants to, it will be unlikely. I wish you luck, I really do. Keep us informed and let us know of developments, maybe some things we say can help.
        That which we forget may as well never really happened.


        • You've already got it right in your mind hon - more than three strikes already, he was out before you even posted this. I could go into a long thing about how he's lying about the friend/texts/intentions but no need, you're right about it already. Send him packing come June (or earlier), don't look back, have your baby, and you may just find that 4 or 6 or 16 months down the line another more loving and decent guy enters your life.
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


          • Hi Hon.

            This is my thoughts.

            Firstly, you are pregnant it's February nearly March, you are having a baby in a couple of months. He does not own the house, it's a joint thing the word "marriage"... It's your bed, the computer needs to be moved into the lounge, you are pregnant and you need to sleep, rest and take care of this baby.. Get that straight because that's important. And, put that into action.

            Secondly, you are having a baby Fortunately you are a way along but, you need to be calm, focused on this little one and your other child and not him.. At least for now until the baby is born.

            You are not silly, you can see what's going on you don't have to ask him anymore. 37 pictures, roses, text messages, phone calls apart from being a lier, and a cheat, he's not taking care of you or his baby, having you on a lounge is he.

            So you know what he is worth.
            You know what you are worth.

            What you love is what he loved. The beginning, that lust, honeymoon stage.

            Even, if you walk out "after the baby" you have a choice to still make your marriage work or not. I personally would not give him a second chance. You deserve more.

            We love what we know, we love who we met. But you will be totally surprised of how much love there is out there and that you can love again.

            Yes, I know you have no job, your Mother helps but it's time to call a family meeting and let them know what is happening, what you have established and ask for their help, let them know for now you are going to concentrate on being healthy and remain calm, for the baby and your child's sake until the baby is born and then, you'd like suggestions and help.

            You will be amazed at how your family will react, treat you and help you.


            • Time for him to go. I can't see how you believe a single word coming from his mouth.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


              • Well as a update I relooked over the papers I have on his cell phone logs and such.. some of the pictures were sent from his phone so he's as equally as guilty as the woman he speaks to. Yet I still want to call the phone company and get another record recorded and sent to see if he is still talking to her or not when I know the answer. I guess a bit of denial in all of this... I know what I have to do I have to set my foot down Im just scared and don't want to. The last thing I wanted for my kids was to have a broken family. But each day that passes he seemed to not care or not try or say I should be trying..

                That other woman didn't have to try for his attention so why should I have to fight for it?

                Jin - I don't to be honest, thats the main issue. I never did because of how he started to act and now I have proof that almost over flows that he's been lying and lord knows about what else.


                • I agree with you that you're in a bit of denial - I'm glad you recognize that in yourself It's difficult to accept that a husband would do this, and it takes some time for the reality to "set in". You keep looking for more proof, updates & trying to convince yourself that it's really going on - IT IS - and it's probably gone much further than you are ready to accept as well.

                  So, you know you have a difficult choice to make, and part of the choice is WHEN to do what you already know you have to do, right? Don't torture yourself too much, dear...it only makes it harder, when this is hard enough.

                  Oh, and keep in mind that being together, still married, doesn't mean your family isn't broken. Your kids would be raised in a broken family even if you are together & he's not committed to you all, and out doing his own thing, right? I understand what you mean about having kids grow up in a broken family, but this type of lifestyle isn't healthy for any of you.

                  Trust your gut, listen to that still voice inside you & let that be all you need. More "proof" is only going to hurt you more...you have all you need.
                  In my experience, our instincts are almost never wrong...it's learning to hear it, listen & heed what it's telling us that's hard...

                  Peace to you - we're all here for venting & support as you go forward.


                  • I was reading somewhere that venting or expressing thoughts on something like this helps keep you calm and keeps you from flipping out on the other when that is not needed. I know what I have to do but my mind and heart seems to be at war with itself. I know he has to go, I don't trust him, not when he can straight out lie to me about things and not own up later even i confront him...

                    But now he seems to be all for trying to spending time with me and it hurts. It's like what did things fall through with your other woman already, or your friends aren't online or something... Yet I still for whatever reason cling to that stupid bit of of hope that things are redeemable. I know they aren't whats to stop him from doing this again? Maybe worse next time. Im torn in my thoughts if im making the right choice to boot him out in June, though he might leave on hos own accord anyway who knows.. I'm not use to something like this, im use to others coming to me for advice not me being so lost and confused I don't know what to really think.


                    • I can relate to how hard it is to reach out, when you're typically the one people go to for support. I also agree that venting is good, in context.

                      There's nothing wrong with trying to make a marriage work, giving it all you have. I'm not one to encourage divorce as a knee jerk reaction, but it sounds like you already know he isn't going to stay faithful, and you're finished with the lying and cannot move fwd with out trust. There's nothing wrong with that either.
                      You have to protect yourself and your kids. I'm sure there's a lot more going on that you haven't shared as well-and I'm not suggesting you should share. Do what's right for yourself and your babies, that's all that you should do right now.


                      • I am truly sorry your going through all of this, but he needs to go. Now. You are pregnant due to give brith soon you in no way should be sleeping on the couch not ever. (he's made me very angry reading this) You deserve better much much better. Tell him to take a hike, he treats you like rubbish, doesn't help with anything by the looks of it and you are raising your child by yourself as well. Get out of there, I hope things improve I really do xxx


                        • Hey girl. None of this is your fault. Even if you were not providing him with something he needed, he should communicate that with you and not go out and cheat. A man will confess and tell you that you are more important and he can stop talking to any girl for you. I normally am pro working things out but this man has checked out. He is not willing to do better or be a better person. I understand your in denial and it takes a while to move forward but know that being a good mom also means allowing your children to see a healthy relationship. Show your kids what a healthy marriage looks like by leaving this guy. He doesn't want to own up and do better. What else can you do besides move on?



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