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Another silly argument

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  • Another silly argument

    Hubby and I had been doing really well in the arguing department, and hadn't had one for a number of weeks. What made the difference: we didn't talk about anything of importance; it was pretty much the mundane, everyday stuff of how are you feeling, how was work, how was your meeting, etc.

    Last night, we got into a discussion about evolution vs. creationism, and for some reason, things got heated. My argument: people are entitled to believe what they like without being criticized. His argument: that my opinion was wrong. However, upon further inspection (about 20 minutes in) was that he was ticked off that he's heard some creationists call themselves scientists. Now, how the heck am I supposed to know, from the get-go, what his opinion is, if he doesn't voice it at the start?! This started a whole round of stupidness, and we ended up arguing well into the later evening.

    Stuff that came up: our communication, which sucks. We can't talk about anything of significance without arguing. He doesn't generally remember to do things (fill dog bowls; take them outside for piddles), and I've been told that I will need to remind him a few times. So, I have been reminding him when I'm not there to take care of them. Apparently, I was also supposed to know when to stop reminding him. He said last night that he didn't want to tell me that he's OK to remember certain things now, and that I don't need to keep reminding him. The reason he didn't tell me was because he felt that that would make me feel like I'm being treated like a child, so he let me keep treating him like a child because he thought I enjoyed treating him like that. My God.

    He asked me what kind of relationship I wanted. We both took the "Love Languages" test a few weeks ago, and we have different languages. His is "words of affirmation", mine is "acts of service". So, instead of helping me out more, which would make me feel appreciated, he's been leaving notes around the house for me, which is sweet, but they don't mean much to me when I've cooked all Sunday afternoon for us for weekly dinners, and then have to also do the entire cleanup while he goes and does his own thing. So, I told him that it would mean the world to me if he would help out around the house without being asked to. I want the kind of relationship that's give and take, equal, I want a husband who can go off of anti-anxiety drugs and still be healthy, I want good communication instead of these, "well, I didn't say/mean that; you misunderstood" episodes.

    So, I took the dogs for a walk last night at 9:30, came back at 10 to find him dusting. Then, he decided to move ALL the furniture upstairs so he could vacuum. Yeah, I want him to help, but it didn't have to be immediately, and especially not late at night on a weeknight when I have to be up at 6:30 the next morning. I meant just on a general basis. It was like the sex issue all over again: it gets brought up, we do it, then nothing for 2-3 weeks until I bring it up again.

    In the end, really late at night last night, we agreed to still try. He's determined that things will get better; I'm hopeful. Really though, my heart is elsewhere. It's back with my single girls, and being able to live life without having to check in. It's back with the career change that was so close to happening for me before he proposed. I got married for very different reasons than he did. He did it for love; I did it to make life easier for us both, and look how well that's working out!

  • Honestly, it can be such a struggle especially if you both have different point of views I think that is the hardest.

    You can't go through life talking mundane. Boredom comes from that to start with... And, then mundane becomes laziness as well, nada, nothing until the cycle starts all over again, discussions, accusations, feelings, emotions.

    Is there any reason why you can't go back part time and follow your career dream? Go out once a week or fortnight with girlfriends? Sounds to me that you need a life, instead of just being a wife
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment


    • He's said the same thing, but it scares me because arguing makes me feel awful. I don't want to go through the rest of our lives fighting to be heard, and fighting constantly. I would rather do the mundane thing. Actually, I would rather be single if given the choice, but we put so much blood, sweat, tears and money into our wedding and relationship already, and I'd feel like a tool giving up on things.

      I can't do the career change because I put that allotted money into the big wedding that he wanted, and need to build the bank account back up again. The career change would involve going back to school, and setting up shop in our basement. When he moved in, most of his stuff went into the basement, so there's no room for a studio down there any longer either.

      As for going out with girlfriends, in January, I made a point of getting together with a different one every couple weeks. This works great for me and them, but I usually feel quite guilty, as hubs admitted last night that he has no friends who live close, and was never taught how to make friends past high school. This is probably why he hangs onto his "best friend" even though they live in the past, and don't talk about their lives now. I'd invite him along when going, but most of my friends are single, and when my married friend and I do coffee, she usually doesn't bring her husband. I mentioned to him about joining something where he could meet some men, but he said he doesn't have time.

      Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
      You can't go through life talking mundane. Boredom comes from that to start with... And, then mundane becomes laziness as well, nada, nothing until the cycle starts all over again, discussions, accusations, feelings, emotions.

      Is there any reason why you can't go back part time and follow your career dream? Go out once a week or fortnight with girlfriends? Sounds to me that you need a life, instead of just being a wife

      Comment


      • I can't do the career change because I put that allotted money into the big wedding that he wanted, and need to build the bank account back up again. The career change would involve going back to school, and setting up shop in our basement. When he moved in, most of his stuff went into the basement, so there's no room for a studio down there any longer either.
        As for going out with girlfriends, in January, I made a point of getting together with a different one every couple weeks. This works great for me and them, but I usually feel quite guilty, as hubs admitted last night that he has no friends who live close, and was never taught how to make friends past high school
        I mentioned to him about joining something where he could meet some men, but he said he doesn't have time.
        Re-read all of that.

        Can you see where it's "me, me, me problem?" including discussing mundane verses real discussions, you are wrong.

        You gave up a lot for this marriage, a heck of a lot. You gave up yourself.

        Are you going to continue to do this? Marriage is also about being two separate people, as "one" unity.

        It is about equality, helping each other and having each others own space as we as combined.

        It's about having your own identity and being happy within yourself and the direction of your life.

        Follow your dreams. If you continue to do everything around him, to try to make him happy you will continue downwards and become depressed and you will eventually split in any event when you finally burst.

        You must tell him the above, he must get out there on his own find his own friends, give you some space in that basement and see if there are part time on-line courses, you must go back to going out with friends or you will lose your identity and you will lose all your friends and become like him... Having no one.
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • I agree with CW sweetheart, your man sounds like an anchor. Honestly it's great that you're seeing this now - you've put a lot into it BUT it's still early.

          Originally posted by Cheeky
          so there's no room for a studio down there any longer either.
          What kind of studio?
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

          Comment


          • Okay CW and Jen, I see what you mean, and yes I do need to get back to a happy place. We talked about that last night as well; he thinks I've been depressed for a long time, and while I'll say that I probably am now, before our engagement was one of the happiest times in my life! I had a great future, and was super-excited to make it happen. Then the stress came, and it hasn't left yet...

            I agree though that he also has to make an effort to make some friends outside of me. This high school friends now live far away, with the closest being 3 hours away; the furthest being in Europe. When they're in town though, he does make a point of getting together with them as often as possible, but the thing is that he always wants me there too. It's nice, but he needs time with them on his own too.

            There are online courses, but for what I'm wanting to do, I'd feel more comfortable doing it hands on. I had met with the head of the school a couple years ago, and was told that they would allow me to do it part time. Jen, it's for dog grooming.

            Comment


            • People who work with animals seem like some of the most fulfilled out there, so I'm guessing that's something that's close to your heart ....all the more reason not to sacrifice it. When/if you let those kinds of things go, a little piece of you goes with them. Don't let that happen!
              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

              Comment


              • I agree with you, and yes, this is something that is very near and dear to my heart; dogs are my #1 love in life!

                Originally posted by jen1447 View Post
                People who work with animals seem like some of the most fulfilled out there, so I'm guessing that's something that's close to your heart ....all the more reason not to sacrifice it. When/if you let those kinds of things go, a little piece of you goes with them. Don't let that happen!

                Comment


                • Can't fix everything, but try for just one: Try to think of it as discussing, not arguing. I disagree with lots of people on lots of things, and will often have long discussions. The goal isn't really to convince them, but to make both of us think through and analyze the issues involved. I get excited in these discussions, I wave my arms around and talk loudly - but deep down I know that I don't really ****care**** about the answer.

                  Stillness and I had a discussion here on evolution and the age of the earth etc. I didn't convince him, he didn't convince me. I DID learn a lot about the way people who think the way he does think about the world.

                  Comment

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