Sexual unhappiness

[CheekyNess]

Hey guys,

I've posted on here before about how my pretty new marriage has been pretty up and down from the get-go. It's still like this, but I've been tending towards letting a lot of things slide. Like last night, just before bed, I had asked him if he was tired, and he said that he didn't know how to answer that question. Usually he reads before bed, so maybe in the back of my mind, I was offhandedly wondering if he were planning on tackling a chapter in his book. Really though, it was more just a curious question on my part. I asked him why he couldn't answer, and he said, "well, it's all relative". Huh? Okay, eyeroll and walk away. He apparently was wondering if we were going to have sex, and linked my question to that.

Anyways, that brings me to a question for you all: has anyone ever felt that they could live quite happily in a sexless marriage with their spouse? Has anyone broached this subject to said spouse, and if so, how? I'm wondering because when it comes to this part of our marriage, it's something I've come to have quite a bit of disdain for, and really would just rather not do it. My drive has always been quite high, it just isn't with him anymore, and I could happily never partake in it with him.

[jen1447]

Ouch Cheeky, what would be the plan then? Open marriage? If you have a high drive, there's no possible way you're gonna just do without hon. Needs fixed.

Why don't you want him, if I can ask? That might help us figure it out.

[CheekyNess]

Yeah, Jen, I'd probably bring up the subject of having an open marriage to him, as really, a vibrator will only keep a woman satisfied for so long.

Why don't I want to be with him in that way? Probably a bunch of reasons...

1. our marriage got off to a rocky start and that has remained with me, as he thinks that he's done nothing wrong with some of his actions, and for a long time, refused to acknowledge that he had any part in putting a lot of stress on our relationship.
2. I've been learning more and more that when we were dating, he didn't give me the full details on some opinions (like having a family), and that doesn't sit well with me.
3. our communication styles are totally different and I don't know if I'll ever understand him. Again, this changed after marriage.
4. because we have sex still so seldom, I really feel more like his sister or a roommate.
5. he doesn't really listen to me or my body when it comes to bedroom activities. There have been times that he's blown my mind, but that is about 5-10ish% of the time. During those times, I let him know that I'm enjoying myself, and continue to tell him afterwards.

The one thing I should mention was that before me, he was a virgin, and was (and still is) very inexperienced. He unfortunately, doesn't seem to remember techniques from time to time, and kissing him is sometimes like an Olympic sport! He almost took a bite out of my face one time when he approached me for a kiss with his mouth gaping open. Thank goodness my eyes were also open at that time! The kissing is either really voracious with him, or he lays there not moving. So, it's mostly foreplay thing that we don't mesh in a lot of the time.

[jen1447]

Hm. (I reviewed some of your older posts for a recap of your situation ...) I'm sure I'm projecting a bit hon but I just couldn't live that way. First you have the sexual dissatisfaction, which for me would just be a total deal-breaker. I have to have it, no two ways about it, and I don't really think that's abnormal at all. Would you really want to resign yourself to a sexless life with your husband? But beyond that is just the regular disdain. I can't imagine living my life with someone I disliked, let alone being married to them.

You might think that I would say that a lover who's skilled between your legs in the most important thing, but believe it or not, I think good kissing trumps that. Mainly because all else comes from the connection established thru kissing. It's the most intimate form of communication there is. (I'm convinced I know more about a person by kissing them for an hour than by talking to them.) So if you don't kiss well together, you don't communicate well. If you don't communicate well, the relationship has nowhere to go.

I'm sorry if this is all doom and gloom but I hate the idea of you settling. Stick up for yourself and take more from life, girlfriend. No one is going to do it for you.

If you're determined to live it thru this way, what are the prospects for him consenting to you sleeping with others? And how do you honestly think that would affect your marriage, with you not just adding partners but replacing him with them?

[CheekyNess]

First you have the sexual dissatisfaction, which for me would just be a total deal-breaker. I have to have it, no two ways about it, and I don't really think that's abnormal at all. Would you really want to resign yourself to a sexless life with your husband? But beyond that is just the regular disdain. I can't imagine living my life with someone I disliked, let alone being married to them.
It's not something I wished for, and things weren't like this in the bedroom before the wedding. I mean, it slowed down a bit because we were up past midnight every night doing wedding prep. But, it seemed like the wedding band killed the sexual activity. It's weird, and I don't know if anyone else has experienced that. It's not as though I dislike the man; I like him a lot. I'm just finding that we aren't as compatible together as we once were. Dating was fun, and I pictured a long, happy, fun life with him. But again, with wedding planning and the everyday hum-drum, we don't have time to do the things that once brought us together. His Saturday consists of a morning breakfast with his cousin, a meeting until 11am, lunch, then errands for his Mom. By the time he gets home, it's supper, then it's prepping/marking assignments for the next week.

You might think that I would say that a lover who's skilled between your legs in the most important thing, but believe it or not, I think good kissing trumps that. Mainly because all else comes from the connection established thru kissing. It's the most intimate form of communication there is. (I'm convinced I know more about a person by kissing them for an hour than by talking to them.) So if you don't kiss well together, you don't communicate well. If you don't communicate well, the relationship has nowhere to go.
I'm not sure that I agree about getting to know a person better through kissing than talking with them, but I certainly agree that it's an important form of communication and intimacy. I think good kissing trumps sex as well, and I've tried getting him to ease up on the force that he does it with. He's no longer mashing his face into mine (for most part), but his technique just isn't for me. I'm not sure how much I can say without offending, and I don't even know how I'd word it anyways, so I just find it easier to pucker up and ride it out. I can certainly say that we neither kiss well nor communicate well together either!

I'm sorry if this is all doom and gloom but I hate the idea of you settling. Stick up for yourself and take more from life, girlfriend. No one is going to do it for you.
True that!

If you're determined to live it thru this way, what are the prospects for him consenting to you sleeping with others? And how do you honestly think that would affect your marriage, with you not just adding partners but replacing him with them?
Honestly, I don't know. Years ago, he did have a threesome (non-intercourse on his part) with his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. I'm hoping that if it really does come down to this, that he'd be willing to try an open relationship. As for replacing him with them, it would be more like an addition, I think. I would still sleep with him, but we would both have the option of different experiences on the side. I don't know. Now that I've typed it out, it just sounds ludicrous! I would imagine that it would have a negative impact on any relationship, but would hope that maybe he'd also gain some insight into women, and some experience to bring to our bedroom as well.

[rcoreyus]

I don't think its a good idea to stay in a relationship with poor or too little sex. Even if you can tolerate it now, you will miss it and resent him for the position he's put you in. If he agrees to an open relationship, it will be very easy for you to end up attracted to and falling in love with someone with whom you can be happily intimate. Good sex really does bind people together. An open relationship for variety when you have a good sex life at home is fine, but I expect it rarely works for long when the primary relationship sex life is bad.


Love is intertwined with sex. Without sex, love is just the sort of close friendship you might have with a sibling.

I was in a nearly sexless marriage for many years and it was miserable. Now that we have fixed things my entire life is better. Don't wait, fix it or leave.

[Motorguy]

Yeah, Jen, I'd probably bring up the subject of having an open marriage to him, as really, a vibrator will only keep a woman satisfied for so long.

Why don't I want to be with him in that way? Probably a bunch of reasons...

1. our marriage got off to a rocky start and that has remained with me, as he thinks that he's done nothing wrong with some of his actions, and for a long time, refused to acknowledge that he had any part in putting a lot of stress on our relationship.
2. I've been learning more and more that when we were dating, he didn't give me the full details on some opinions (like having a family), and that doesn't sit well with me.
3. our communication styles are totally different and I don't know if I'll ever understand him. Again, this changed after marriage.
4. because we have sex still so seldom, I really feel more like his sister or a roommate.
5. he doesn't really listen to me or my body when it comes to bedroom activities. There have been times that he's blown my mind, but that is about 5-10ish% of the time. During those times, I let him know that I'm enjoying myself, and continue to tell him afterwards.

The one thing I should mention was that before me, he was a virgin, and was (and still is) very inexperienced. He unfortunately, doesn't seem to remember techniques from time to time, and kissing him is sometimes like an Olympic sport! He almost took a bite out of my face one time when he approached me for a kiss with his mouth gaping open. Thank goodness my eyes were also open at that time! The kissing is either really voracious with him, or he lays there not moving. So, it's mostly foreplay thing that we don't mesh in a lot of the time.

Cheeknes I think your marriage is doom if you don't care to have sex with your husband. And you been married a short time and you thinking of a open marriage now wow. If he's OK with you going out finding a new man to have sex with out him then I see this marriage going no where fast. if you really truly love him then go see professional help with sex therapist to find out if he does have a sexually issue and the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you. But it looks like the communication is not there so first you two need to sit down and say do you want to stay married and see how that go's only if you want this marriage to continue if not then seriously you need rethink the whole dissolve the marriage thing.

[effy2014]

Relationship communication is not a skill most people -- especially young people -- are good at. Four of the five problems you identified relate to the lack of communication in your marriage. Go to a good marital therapist and learn the skill. There are also some fantastic books out there that may quick start the process (Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix are two of my favorites). Those books will help teach you to communicate.

I hope you will find that, through honest communication, the two of you could rebuild the emotional bond and trust that will facilitate more intimacy. A marriage in which you need to find lovers in order to satisfy your sexual needs is not much of a marriage at all. Before you give up, put in the work to resolve your issues.

[jen1447]

Honestly, I don't know. Years ago, he did have a threesome (non-intercourse on his part) with his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. I'm hoping that if it really does come down to this, that he'd be willing to try an open relationship. As for replacing him with them, it would be more like an addition, I think. I would still sleep with him, but we would both have the option of different experiences on the side. I don't know. Now that I've typed it out, it just sounds ludicrous! I would imagine that it would have a negative impact on any relationship, but would hope that maybe he'd also gain some insight into women, and some experience to bring to our bedroom as well.

I'm sorry to bash, but it sounds like a bit of a longshot, honestly. You're pinning your hopes on the notion that he will learn how to satisfy you by gaining experience with others. If all he needs to satisfy is you, he shouldn't need others - he's got you right there for all the practice he could possibly need. Also, people with a lot of sexual experience tend to get better at casual sex and one night stands and stuff like that, not true intimacy with their sole partner. So the best you could hope for is that he would become some kind of Don Juan who's good at pleasing women in general but not you in particular.

I'm not sure that I agree about getting to know a person better through kissing than talking with them, but I certainly agree that it's an important form of communication and intimacy. I think good kissing trumps sex as well, and I've tried getting him to ease up on the force that he does it with. He's no longer mashing his face into mine (for most part), but his technique just isn't for me. I'm not sure how much I can say without offending, and I don't even know how I'd word it anyways, so I just find it easier to pucker up and ride it out. I can certainly say that we neither kiss well nor communicate well together either!

That's just a shame. I've trained a few people in proper kissing, and my technique to start with is to just tell them to sit still and not do anything and let me kiss them and they should pay attention while I do it. Then slowly they can be allowed more leeway to get into the back and forth after they start grasping the principals. This takes the heat off of them because you're not expecting anything of them (so they can't fail), and because the tacit implication of you going to those lengths is acceptance and not rejection. No idea if he could actually be trained that way or is approachable tho.

[CheekyNess]

I've mentioned the idea of going to a therapist to him, and I think he'd be on board. I'm not sure he really gets that there's a problem though! Also Motorguy, just to clarify, he is more than willing to have sex, it's only me who shies away from it.

Cheeknes I think your marriage is doom if you don't care to have sex with your husband. And you been married a short time and you thinking of a open marriage now wow. If he's OK with you going out finding a new man to have sex with out him then I see this marriage going no where fast. if you really truly love him then go see professional help with sex therapist to find out if he does have a sexually issue and the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you. But it looks like the communication is not there so first you two need to sit down and say do you want to stay married and see how that go's only if you want this marriage to continue if not then seriously you need rethink the whole dissolve the marriage thing.

[CheekyNess]

Thanks Effy, I will definitely check out those books! Also, just to clarify, neither of us is "young", although everyone's definition of what young is would be different. However, we are: 36 (me) and 44 (him). Quick background: we started dating in 2012 after knowing each other for years, and being matched online. We dated for 3 months, got engaged, and flew through wedding planning, all in just over a year. It's been a whirlwind to say the least! Seeing that I knew his Mom fairly well, I thought I knew what I was getting into, but once we got engaged, her attitude towards me changed entirely. She's gotten a little nicer in recent months, but still issues the occasional put-down. Hubs always has a reason for why she says what she does, and apparently, she never means the words that come out of her mouth, but something entirely different. I find that hubs talks this way as well, so I never really know what he means... It's always a guessing game! But, thank-you, I will throw those books on my Amazon wish list and order them in the near future.

Relationship communication is not a skill most people -- especially young people -- are good at. Four of the five problems you identified relate to the lack of communication in your marriage. Go to a good marital therapist and learn the skill. There are also some fantastic books out there that may quick start the process (Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix are two of my favorites). Those books will help teach you to communicate.

I hope you will find that, through honest communication, the two of you could rebuild the emotional bond and trust that will facilitate more intimacy. A marriage in which you need to find lovers in order to satisfy your sexual needs is not much of a marriage at all. Before you give up, put in the work to resolve your issues.

[CheekyNess]

Hey, I might try this method, thanks! :-)

That's just a shame. I've trained a few people in proper kissing, and my technique to start with is to just tell them to sit still and not do anything and let me kiss them and they should pay attention while I do it. Then slowly they can be allowed more leeway to get into the back and forth after they start grasping the principals. This takes the heat off of them because you're not expecting anything of them (so they can't fail), and because the tacit implication of you going to those lengths is acceptance and not rejection. No idea if he could actually be trained that way or is approachable tho.

[effy2014]

CN -- that's one of the important purposes of therapy. It puts issues on the table. The second one, the most important in my view, is to teach relationship communication. If you have the ability to talk through problems without getting defensive and with empathy for the feelings of your partner, a couple can solve most any problem.

The only problem in a relationship that most men recognize is the lack of sex. Give a pathway to solving that and you will have him working on the others.

[Romy]

It's very difficult to live in a sexless marriage but sometimes it's not quite so simple to leave.....for example if you had children together. For me, keeping the family together is a top priority and my opinion (rightly or wrongly) is that if a person left the marriage because there was no sex and left young children in a broken family it would appear very selfish. There is no easy answer with regard to this subject. Being sexually compatible and having sex daily is absolutely a top priority for me. If no children are involved I would definitely consider leaving.

[Trixareforkids]

I agree to this to a point. If the only real issue is sex and it's not spilling over into the other aspects of the relationship, both people are still civil and affectionate then it's really up to the principles. If however, the lack of sex spills over and resentment becomes palpable, there's open disrespect for one another and/or open fighting, it would actually be better for the kids for the parents to split.