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Torn about calling it quits

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  • Torn about calling it quits

    Hi everyone. I guess I need to start from the beginning...my husband and I have been together since I was 14, we met in 9th grade. Half my life, he was my first and I his. We grew up on very opposite sides of the fences, me poor in the pjs with no family structure, him from an affluent and wealthy family. Not to mention we are interracial. We were faced with adversity from the start. His family hated me and needless to say didnt appapprove, but now love me and I love them. Ok, now he had a gf, when we met (at 14), who he broke up with for me. She and I had a few rounds of nasty fights over him. Now this was 15 years ago, but it is significant. When I was 16, my unstable mother moved us suddenly 400 miles away. He and I maintained a long distance relationship for a year and he just let me go. Stopped calling, writing, everything. I was crushed. I was 17, in a place I knew nothing about, my home situation was horrifying at the time and he broke up with me without telling me. I did get over it a year later. I eventually met the rebound guy who treated me awful and beat the crap out of me.
    One day I contacted my now husband and told him what I was going through and he arranged for me to come visit him. I went and never came back. After a year we were pregnant and married during the pregnancy. The next pregnant again. I found while 8 months pregnant with our second child ( by his grandmother) that he was in fact in a relationship with the ex from high school while i was away and we were distanced. I was cool with it because it was in the past and he married me. But the kicker was that she was currently visiting his grandmothers home seeking after him. His grandmother was forced to tell her she was not welcome. His grandmother, not him.
    Years went by just fine with no problems. We had a third child. 6 years into the marriage we are doing considerably well for our young age. This is when I noticed a change in him. He became selfish in jbed, with money, his time, his love, his everything. He became a shell of a man that was cold and mean.
    I had a gut feeling. For the first time, I started checking his cell logs, texts, vms, and emails. All the while having heart to hearts with him to solve the issue, doing the 'spice up your marriage' bid, and begging for counseling to no avail. I became obsessed with stalking him, then one day I found what I was looking for. Social media messages between him and the ex...pictures being sent, plans to meet, deep detailed convos. I knew it. I confronted him and he swears I took it wrong and they are just friends. He convinced me that im jealous and have nothing to worry about. I forgave him but to this day he has not removed her from his friends. We have a great home life and a stable environment for our kids so I stayed. He stopped talking to her (so I thought).
    6 months later.....guess what. Found a pic of her in his cell. She sent him a pic for his birthday. After yet another argument, he promised to change his number (which he did) and vowed she would never get it.
    And guess what....5 months after the number change I started seeing a strange number in his logs based around the times hes at work. On top of that his coworker confused me for another woman once when I called. I eventually blocked my number and called the strange number and lo and behold. ....her again. I questioned my husband for 4 months ( without pulling my evidence) to see if he would be honest, he lied and lied until I couldn't take it anymore and smacked him with his call and text print outs highlighting her phone number multiple times. Up 87 times in one week! He was busted red handed and had to confess.
    Yet again folks, he insisted they are only friends and he only hid the friendship because of mine and her bad history. Being young, I retaliated in the worst way- I cheated to get back at him. It backfired miserably. He carried on the relationship with her openly at that point....which drove me further away and I fell in love with the other guy.
    After months of living together during all this and constantly arguing, we decided to give the marriage one more go. We agreed to cut of the outside relationships and focus on us. I did just that. Im an open book and havent given him a reason to distrust me since. I totally committed to making it work. Thats what I thought we were doing......until I found hes contacted her for her birthday this year and the same number is showing up in his text and call logs. He doesn't know I know this info. And silly me he wants another baby. As of yesterday he has changed all his phone codes, passwords, and even has extra security on his cell that seems to be geared towards keeping me out of his logs. I know its her again. Should I be suspicious?
    Any advice?

  • You know what they say - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. He's doing the same things he's done twice before. Certainly you should be suspicious. He seems bent on continuing a relationship with this woman, no matter how much it hurts you or your marriage.

    So, ask yourself what is worth saving here? If you confront and forgive him again, it seems that you'll just be stuck in a loop. You say you want to keep a stable environment for the children, but they are likely picking up the tension and selfishness between the two of you. It's reasonable to not want to throw away years of marriage and simpler coparenting, but can you reasonably live like this knowing your husband is covertly interacting with his ex?
    <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

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    • Have the two of you been through marital counseling? It seems to me that the two of you need to communicate better about your needs and desires in the relationship. I'm not talking about sex -- this is about the relationship as a whole. If he still needs this other woman, there is a hole in your relationship that needs to be explored and fixed.
      "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

      Comment


      • It sounds like he won't change. Maybe bringing everything out in the light would make it less exciting for him. One thing is certain, he has not broke off with you to go to her, so either he is resisting it or she doesn't want it. Maybe invite her to family functions. Figure out how to include her in family photos. I'm not sure it can get much worse, so what is there to lose?
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment


        • Can you pretend he doesn't exist? Try!

          Comment


          • One day I contacted my now husband and told him what I was going through and he arranged for me to come visit him. I went and never came back. After a year we were pregnant and married during the pregnancy
            I know this sounds harsh and for that I am sorry, I am only providing my opinion and that is, that you know at a young age when you meet someone and you think that's it, they are the one? We've all done it and I guess for you it's your husband but I believe for him it was the other girl.

            When you rang him and told him of your hardship the whole reason why he fell for you the first time, wanting to protect you, care for you, his heart felt. He asked you to go over and you never left.

            His Grandmother told you of her because I suspect he has told his Grandmother that she was the one he loved.

            He told her to tell her to go, because he is married, has children.

            If he is cold, holding back sex, money, love, words. He was never your soul mate, only someone who wanted badly to be there for you, which is still a beautiful thing, perhaps along the way he got confused and he would have loved you but true love as in soul mate love is different.

            I believe that he is still in love with this other girl and now older, realises that.

            I am so sorry but no matter how much it hurts you, you don't need this pain.. You deserve better and the understanding.
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Bump!
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment

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