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Selfish Husband

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  • Selfish Husband

    My husband recently got a new job that pays much more money than we ever had. Before we were barely getting by and always felt deprived. I thought having this extra money would mean we could do more special family outings or do nice things for our girls like take them shopping for stuff they couldn't have before. But all my husband ever thinks about is what he wants and buys it as soon as he gets paid. Last week he suggested taking a family day trip to Seattle to go see a sighting and visit Pike Place Market this weekend. But after he just purchased a new car stereo, and new subs and amp to go with it, there's not a lot leftover. I'm really ticked off because I was looking forward to taking our girls to Seattle for some fun and shopping. I try talking to him about his spending but then he goes off saying how he works hard and deserves to get himself whatever he wants. What about me?! I spend 24 hours a day at home cleaning, cooking, and taking care of our children. He thinks I laze around all day watching television but he doesn't realize how hard and stressful it is. I don't know how to get it through to him that he has a family to consider and he needs to stop acting like he's a young bachelor. I don't feel like there is much else I can do other than to keep "nagging" as he puts it. His selfish ways are really ticking me off!

  • Hi Hashon,

    He sounds like a kid in a candy shop Perhaps it will settle down once he purchases a couple of things for himself.

    It sounds as if he did have plans but went a little to far with the extra income to be able to do it, I'd try the reverse approach.

    "Good for you, you do deserve new things and thank you for the offer of the trip, how about we do that next weekend, maybe split things a little".

    I don't believe nagging gets any woman anywhere, I think people rebel on that.

    Whereas if you accept that he should also have things so should you, so should the kids, make him feel it's "ok" to buy himself something and thanks regarding the trip and more outings to come as well, you may find that guilt works into the factor and he actually will spend on his family as well.

    I think some people grow up with their Mother's tending to the household and children and expect it, don't see it was work and can't get a grip on the hours put in and how tired we become from it all, they see working for an income to be hard work.

    Get a video or something and put it on one night (visuals are good) whereby he sees just want a mom does throughout one week

    Use reverse psychology.


    • Maybe a better way would be to start a savings plan so if times change, you will still have enough. Then you won't fight over who spends what because neither would be spending a lot. This would allow you to take a trip every once in a while and still have money for education when your kids get old enough.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • bump!


        • So I tried talking to my husband about planning a budget and setting financial goals but he wouldn't hear any of it. There was no convincing him that we could set aside some money in the budget for his "toys". I have no problem with him getting the things he wants, but if it's expensive I just want him to save for it rather than purchasing it all at once out of the blue. I doubt his spending will slow down either. He's kind of always been this way. I just think it's unfair how I always try to be frugal while he gets to splurge. I guess all I can do is present a budgeting plan to him if he'll even look at it. I was just kind of hoping it would be something we could work on together.


          • If he has blatantly said "he won't hear of it". He's classing his money as his own to do what he wants with it and when he wants he will then spend on you and your child. That's not a husband that's a batchelor. In my opinion.

            I would personally tell him that he can pay for day care as you now intend to get some part time work so you also have money.

            I think that would shock the shirt out of him and he'll disagree with that as well. So I would then point out " if you intend to act like a batchelor then I intend to obtain work, married couples are exactly that, what is mine is yours and visa versa, I've already said have your toys but you have a family as well".


            • It's an unfortunate fact that some men these days still don't see that staying at home running the house and nurturing the kids is 'work'. They feel that they're the one 'earning' the money and therefore it's just theirs to do with what they will. If he's not even willing to discuss it and, as you say, he's just being the way he always has been. Earning your own money may be the only way and hopefully he'll see he can't have it both ways, but if he's going to be a complete Neanderthal and insist you stay home and work for nothing - well it'[ll be your choice whether that's the sort of life/relationship you can live with. Good luck.



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