[Leftyfromnyc]

This is a really strange problem. I'm 33, we've been married four years and have been best friends. I'm attractive and take care of myself. Unfortunately my husband's work schedule causes him to be very tired and we don't have much sex (once every 2-3 months). We went to therapy for a year and he promised to work on this issue but not much has changed. We have had some difficulty with our marriage in terms of seeing eye to eye on lifestyle, money, in laws etc., but nothing that can't be worked out. I don't want to leave, but now am really considering calling it quits.
Now, I realize I'm getting older and want to have a baby, but we are having minimal sex so the baby thing is never going to happen. I've begged and pleaded to get this issue resolved. I've tried to talk about it and asked for him to open up but to no avail. I need some advice- I am considering leaving because it's getting really bad and as I get older and older my window is closing. I feel like I'm in a roommate/ brother-sister relationship where we love and respect each other but there is no sex. Most forums talk about how there is no sex in their marriage after kids, but I can't even seem to have enough sex TO have kids in the first place!
I have a high sex drive and am sad that I'm in a marriage with someone who isn't so interested in sex- it's definitely third and fourth priority after work and social life. I nearly filed for divorce over a year ago but instead we decided to go to therapy but here we are at the same place all over again. I don't want to end up resenting this person and blame him for not having kids but I also don't want to leave because I fear not being able to find someone I like again.
Help! What do I do??

[rcoreyus]

Does he want kids? Is it that he won't talk about it, or does he not want them?

[jen1447]

I'd imagine marriage is full of compromises, but I'd think baby-making is non-negotiable. In that sense the question you have to answer is pretty clear.

Fwiw I really dislike hedging bets and looking at tradeoffs. If babies are important and he can't deliver, it seems kind of insignificant that he'd be good at karaoke or have nice hair. Don't negotiate on stuff that goes down so fundamentally that it's basically part of your identity.

[rcoreyus]

Children are non-negotiable, but also something where someone should never be pressured.

If he does actively want children but you aren't having enough sex, that is a completely different issue.

[effy2014]

You have gone through the right steps. You have tried to communicate with him and gone to therapy for a year. Yet, there has been no change. What more can you do?

If you are in relationship saving mode, then separate with a deadline of 6 months to resolve the child issue. He may not believe that you are currently serious. Separation is a bold step.

This isn't just a child issue. It's an intimacy issue as well. Can you live without children AND sex in a lifelong committed marriage? You know the answer to this question. You will also find so done more compatible. The year in marital therapy should have honed your communication skills and narrowed the traits you need to have a wonderful relationship.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I feel like I'm in a roommate/ brother-sister relationship where we love and respect each other but there is no sex.

This happens.. And, hopefully you can still remain "friends" after but it's not really a marriage is it? Taking the baby making aside.. A great friend, yes. Love there, yes. Respect there yes. Brother / sister/ room mate (no) that to me is a great friend that you can get along with.

That's not love, that's not happiness, laughter, intimacy, bonding, sensuality, sexuality they exist as well.

What happened when you went to therapy anything? And, how long for, who stopped it?

CW

[Leftyfromnyc]

He definitely wants kids and feels strongly about legacy and leaving someone behind in the world for after when we're gone.

[Leftyfromnyc]

If he does actively want children but you aren't having enough sex, that is a completely different issue.

This is indeed the issue rcoreyus. Not enough sex, but he wants at least one child. We talked about kids before we got married - its definitely something we both want, maybe he thinks we can have sex one time and i'll get pregnant and we will move along with our lives. UGH!

[Leftyfromnyc]

This happens.. And, hopefully you can still remain "friends" after but it's not really a marriage is it? Taking the baby making aside.. A great friend, yes. Love there, yes. Respect there yes. Brother / sister/ room mate (no) that to me is a great friend that you can get along with.

That's not love, that's not happiness, laughter, intimacy, bonding, sensuality, sexuality they exist as well.

What happened when you went to therapy anything? And, how long for, who stopped it?

CW

We went to therapy for a year (from Feb 2013 to March 2014). It certainly worked as far as communication/bonding/understanding each others needs/resolving conflict/learning respect. I would say it "saved" our marriage. I didn't end up filing for divorce and the biggest thing is that he realized all the things that he was doing wrong and also realized that the onus is now on him (with some help from me) to uphold his end of the bargain. The major issues we were having were as follows:
- He works too much and makes this his TOP priority ( like if a partner in his firm wants a conference call at 11pm on a Saturday night, he will oblige - he insists this is his line of work, and that I knew what I was getting into)
- Poor communication (we would go days without really speaking about anything of any importance)
- Poor conflict resolution - we would argue about something and then talk about what's for dinner LOL, so no resolution ever
- No sex (this is the one that is not resolved yet)
- Me feeling like I'm jumping through hoops to make this work and that he is putting in the minimum effort needed to keep me in the relationship.

Bottom line is we've been out of therapy now for about 2 months and he's been better about giving me more time, but work is STILL top priority (still working 70-80 hours a week) but at least he is not spending his free time with his MBA buddies or playing golf - he is upholding Friday night date nights etc.

The brother-sister/no sex thing is a the MAJOR issue still. There is nothing romantic about date nights lol (we mostly plan our next career moves and talk about each others office politics, or plan vacations - at least we're talking!)

CW- you're exactly right about the sensuality/sexuality/intimacy thing - that is NOT a marriage. We are best friends (I certainly am his) and good sounding boards for each other esp since we're both career minded and such.

EFFY2014 - you make great points also. Can I live my entire life with NO sex AND no kids? Definitely not - 10000000% not. You're right, therapy did tell me EXACTLY what I need from a relationship and also what I am capable of giving ( not only did we go to couples therapy, I went to individual therapy for 5 years prior to that - I was initially depressed, but then just LOVED my therapist, so continued going - she changed my life). I've worked SO hard on myself and I just want the same from him, but that might be a very high expectation.
I also think you make a fantastic point about him not knowing HOW serious I am. I TALK about it, but I have yet to take any ACTION. I do not like to work with ultimatums (I just don't think strong arming people into doing something is the best way, but then again I'm a tough cookie and have no problem asserting myself ) Plus ultimatums don't make for good sex/intimacy/bonding.

IDEALLY, I want good sex AND kids AND a best friend. I have 1 out of 3. and won't sex get WORSE after kids? Wait, back to my first point, Not enough sex TO have kids. AARGHGH!!! I'm going in circles.

Ultimatum it is, maybe? What does everyone else think?

[effy2014]

Lefty:

I have so much respect for what you have accomplished. You understood how important it was for you to know yourself as well as to get marital advice. You know what you need and want out of life. That puts you ahead of 90% of the population. Kudos to you.

Don't think of this as an ultimatum. This is not a power play. While ultimatums are uncomfortable, you have taken the right steps without result. Think of it as the last step to save your marriage. You can't be in a marriage without kids and sex. Yes, kids make sex more problematic ... but if couples make intimacy a priority, it can still be done.

My only word of caution is the work issue. As a professional in a service industry, I understand that one one rarely has the choice whether or not to be on a conference call at 11:00 when you are in the middle of a deal. It's not how much time he spends at work, but how he makes you feel when he is not working. Is he present in the relationship or just waiting for the not call? Does he take your calls at work? When you have an issue, does he make it a priority over mundane work.