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I am just beyond frustrated with my husband and our sex life and problems

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  • I am just beyond frustrated with my husband and our sex life and problems

    Ok, so here's the dirt on my situation and I'm hoping I can get some advice/perspective.

    My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. During this time, our sex life has deteriorated. Before marriage we were very active, usually once a day often twice. A year after marriage I began to develop several physical problems, and went to doctor after doctor and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me or told me I was making it all up. Finally, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and put on some medication in February when I switched doctors (yet again). I'm starting to come out of the fog, my pain has improved and my energy level is up. Needless to say, over the past couple of years, my condition has certainly impacted our sex life. Fast forward to this past fall, my husband wrote me a letter in which he expressed his frustration and growing resentment that I didn't clean up the house or do chores, I didn't balance work/home (I'm a PhD student in a very demanding program), and mostly, that I didn't want sex or intimate physical contact. The letter was written because we were caught in a constant cycle of conversations about the same things over and over again. He basically said, please make more of an effort or we need to figure out how to end our marriage. He was sick of feeling like my roommate and not my spouse. I didn't take the letter well, as I was overwhelmed with preliminary exams the week he wrote it and I was feeling horrible physically. My pain level was at a 7-8/10 and I was not sleeping. But I took the time and evaluated what he said. While his resentment hurt, I felt like I owed it to our marriage to make an effort to work on the things he was unhappy about. I started making an effort around the house, I nagged my doctor more to figure out what was wrong with me, I tried to make a more equitable work/home balance and be more efficient with my time. He acknowledged that I improved things and said he appreciated the effort I was making. Things seemed to improve a little bit.

    But what he doesn't think he needs to do is work on anything that bothers me. There are several points of contention that I am starting to really resent. I don't want to resent him, as I love him and want our marriage to work. However, I am starting to feel bitter that I've put effort into improving things that were bothering him, but it takes him years (literally as I will explain in a moment) to address concerns I have with him. The first thing, is that since we got married he has developed sleep apnea. He always did snore, but before our marriage it was more of a dull humm. Now you can hear him snorting and choking through 3 walls and 2 doors in our house. Part of my condition is sleep difficulties. I have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep, which exacerbates the pain and foggy brain symptoms, which in turn makes me even less likely to want to have sex and it really does effect my work. Two years ago, it got so bad that I had to start sleeping on the couch and I've been sleeping there since. Since I can sleep through the night, I do feel better. The problem is he takes it personally. When the issue first started to affect my ability to sleep in the same room, I insisted he see a doctor. We went together since he doesn't like doctors and his new doctor gave him a script for a sleep study. It took him 3 months just to call and schedule it. Then after the sleep study was done and showed that he had obstructive sleep apnea and would need an at home sleep study, it took him a year to get that scheduled and another 2 months to turn in the device that recorded his sleep at home. That was last summer. Last week he FINALLY saw the pulmonary specialist to see about getting a CPAP. Over this time period, he gave me multiple and conflicting excuses for why he was not getting this done ranging from the doctor's office wouldn't call him back, to the doctor told him he didn't have sleep apnea (which is a lie because I saw the lab result and the diagnosis on it), to he was playing phone tag. It does not take a year to get someone on the phone at a major hospital pulmonary clinic. I know he never even bothered to call. So he is finally getting the CPAP machine next month after nearly two years of dragging his feet. All throughout this time I have missed the closeness and intimacy of sleeping in the same bed with him. He said he missed it too, and became resentful of the fact that we weren't physically close anymore. Every few months he'd bring it up that he was unhappy because we weren't having sex. I told him I needed to feel a certain physical closeness and emotional intimacy in order to get in the mood, and until he got the CPAP and we could resume sleeping in the same room, the situation probably would not get any better.

    Another problem that has more recently become an issue that prevents me from feeling intimate with him is the fact that he has stopped brushing his teeth. He has periodontal disease. I can see the gums receding and the plaque build up on his teeth. He has taken up smoking cigars (which I normally wouldn't mind since he doesn't smoke in the house) which has compounded the problem (and probably isn't helping his sleep apnea either). I know he has periodontal disease, as I work with researchers who study periodontal bacteria and disease. I know what it looks like and… (forgive me if this is too gross) smells and tastes like. His kisses often taste like the crap you floss out of your teeth. It disgusts me. Kissing, for me, is one of the things that gets my libido going. I can't feel sexual if I can't stand to kiss him. I've tried asking him gently to keep up with proper hygiene, I've tried being blunt, I've tried buying him a softer toothbrush, I've tried buying special toothpaste… Nothing. He can go weeks without brushing. It is seriously disgusting. But yet he wants us to be more intimate. I feel like I've taken steps to work on things on my end, and I feel like he should do the same but if I ask him to do so he claims that "I'm trying to change him". I don't think asking someone to practice regular hygiene is changing someone, especially since it wasn't an issue before our marriage.

  • This isn't a surprise. For him, the only problem in the marriage was the lack of intimacy. Once that was solved, marriage issues solved. Of course, that is not your experience in the relationship.

    You have the right to have your issues addressed just as he had the right to address his issue. My advice is to go to counseling. The two of you need to learn how to communicate your issues and to have them addressed. The dental hygiene issue would be a deal killer for me -- kissing is so important in a relationship. If he wants more intimacy, it seems to me that he should take every step to make himself appealing to you.
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


    • It seems both of you are pretty stubborn, somewhat self-centered and losing any empathy you might have had.

      I'm with effy. It's time for some professional counseling.


      • Jinxd

        In reading that, no-where did I read where you showed him the seriousness of fybromyalgia and the effects that it has on a person. Doctors often tell patients it's in their mind because they don't really know the reason behind it, how it starts or how it ends to be honest.

        Fybromyalgia is chronic pain, not a little, chronic. It can get better but seriously has to be monitored. Doing too much housework can trigger it off, typing too much and when you have a bad bout of it, you get chronic fatique as well, some get myofascial pain, & some also get IBS.

        Did you have a serious accident before marriage, or a really stressful situation that bought you down for a while? They say that this is the cause - a serious stressful problem with your body through injury and the stress associated or stress.

        The point I am trying to make is, it may be difficult for a partner to understand this condition, what is associated with it, the pain when you lift a vacuum and start vacuuming and apart from the pain the fatigue that you suffer and yet, you are trying to study making it worse as you use your hands for typing or writing. I think if he was to read up on the said subject he'd see what you have and are going through and how real this problem is.

        Some tips for you to help in that area:-

        Drink 2 litres of water a day
        Walk 10 minutes a day swinging your arms
        Stretch every 20 minutes or so when working
        Don't eat dairy products, spices and small amounts of red meat.
        If you can afford it get a massage once a month.
        No sleep or little affects it more, and this is where one of the problems occurs for you even more so with your disability and yes it is a disability, see if you can take naps during the day 20 minutes is all you need.

        So if he was to know the reality of your disability he may realise it's not all about him, there is a real reason why you have been the way you have medically...

        Regarding his snoring and periodontitis.

        Periodontitis is not necessary caused by smoking, smoking can esculate the timing of loss of teeth. The gums just don't recede the bones shorten and nothing can be done about it, you end up with Dentures.
        I guess this would maybe depress him don't you think? Why brush my teeth I am going to lose them anyway, why stop smoking I am going to lose them anyway.

        Actually by stopping smoking he will keep most of them 5 or so years longer . But imagine? That's one of the worse things to lose I think your teeth and that smile.

        So in my opinion, he needs to see your problem as a real disability. See if there is a way financially someone can help clean. You need to see his condition would be very depressing as well, both of you would be feeling depressed.

        Why not explain fybro and show him some cases and then why not tell him you understand the depression he must feel about his teeth but instead of working towards losing them, how about working on saving them for 5 plus years instead. Try to get into a balance of understanding what each is going through, instead of the hygiene side aim at the core of the problem, his possible depression over this situation, not all men show their fear or own pain, internally or externally.

        The snoring is another problem because if he skips a beat here and there after a snore then that can be fatal. Is he over-weight? Someone needs to explain to him it's not just about snoring and keeping a partner a wake there are steps there too to ensure you are safe and don't have heart problems especially whilst asleep.

        He has to value his life he has to feel you value it as well, he has to get out of any depression and you have to work on acknowledging what you have but beating it enough that it's ok, you can smile and laugh and live again.

        I think it's not about you both being stubborn it's about you both not understanding any of the serious conditions that you both actually have and working together as a team to lessen it and accept each other for who you are now, giving this prognosis that you have both been given.

        Acceptance is hard.
        Working on the disabilities is not as hard as you think.
        Understanding them and how your significant other half is coping or not coping is a must



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